Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Year...A New Me

Every year it seems that I make resolutions along with everyone else that involve loosing weight or getting out of debt, or having children by the end of the year, etc. etc. etc. This year I decided to look deep down inside and come up with a resolution that actually means something. I want to achieve something that matters eternally...something that I can take with me after I am done here on earth.

Once I started looking inside myself, I was shocked at what I found. I found that I have absolutely no self respect, no self worth, and no self confidence. To be honest, I don't know if I have ever had any of these things; if I have I surely don't remember when it was. I realized that I can't expect anyone else to respect, love, or find me of worth if I don't have these feelings for myself. So, it turns out that my resolution for 2010 will be the hardest challenge (or mountain) that I have ever attempted.

In order to climb this extremely large mountain, I have broken up my life into 6 pieces: Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, Work, School, and Home. Each month I will set a goal that involves each of these aspects of my life; all with the specific purpose of helping me develop love, respect, and confidence in myself. There will be no goals of weight loss this year; no goals of sizes reduced. If there is one thing that I have learned in my life so far, it is that tomorrow really never does come. I can't keep telling myself that I will love myself once I have lost weight, or once I have succeeded in becoming a mother. I need to embrace today, and make the most of it.

So, here are my goals for January...

Physical: I will take my prescribed medications every day. It is time that I start taking my health seriously and make living a priority.

Emotional: I will make one decision each day that is based on my own needs or wants rather than always putting my desires on the back burner. My opinions are valid and if I truly respect myself, I will acknowledge my opinions instead of always squashing them.

Spiritual: I will attend all of my church meetings during the month of January. If I am out of town, I will find a church in that area and attend. I can't expect my spirit to be fed if I am not taking it to the feast.

Work: I will put in a bigger effort to complete all of my tasks each day. I may not like my job all that much but I always feel better about myself when I know that I have put forth my very best effort even if the task is as mundane as filing.

School: I will get all of my assignments done on time and strive to get full credit. Once again, I always feel better when I know that I have done my best work. I also feel that gaining as much knowledge as I can will be a good investment in myself.

Home: I will get the kitchen completely clean and keep it that way by spot cleaning each day. I can be a good housekeeper and I am fully capable of taking care of my home. I just need to prove it to myself instead of telling myself that it is impossible.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Changing Dreams

When I was in high school, teachers regularly asked where we wanted to be in five or ten years. When asked, I would get an image of a husband and two or three children. I would then imagine adopting one or two more children to round off my family.

This image has been one that I have played in my mind time and time again over the years. When I was getting married I discussed this with my husband to be and I was excited to hear that he had wanted to adopt as well. We decided that we would work toward this ideal of having a couple first and then adopting.

As the years have past and those two children haven't entered our lives, we have spoken on and off about moving forward with our adoption plans. I feel like it is something that we should do but I have been hesitating and I didn't quite know why.

I have been following Ashley's blog for the past six months or so and it is through her that I realized what my problem was. By entertaining this dream of my perfect family I have come to think of adoption as my ending. I have never thought of it as a last means option. But, thinking of it as an ending has resulted in the same thing. When I think of adopting, deep down I am telling myself that I will never be able to carry a child and I'm not quite ready to give that up yet.

Ashley adopted a beautiful little girl a couple of years ago and now she is pregnant. She didn't give up; she just did what she felt was right to do for her family. Reading her blog has helped me begin to rework my thinking. I am beginning to realize that there is a plan for me and my family. I may not get my family in the same way that I have always dreamed about, but I do know that I will get my family as long as I follow the promptings of the spirit and do what I am told. Adoption can play a major part in my life and it doesn't have to be my ending.

Thank you Ashley for sharing your story.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

We are All Mothers

Surprisingly enough, that last post really helped me get a grip. The act of writing everything down solidified everything. It made it more real which helped me accept it and move on. Before that it was just a bunch of emotions running through my head making me feel like I was going crazy.

With that all out of my system, I want to dedicate my next few entries to some people who have really helped me a lot over the past year. We all have our own reasons for putting our blogs out here for everyone to see, but I don't think any of us truly understand the impact that our words can have on the people who read them. There have been many times where I have logged on, feeling so alone, and have found comfort from others who are traveling the same roads as I.

There once was a time when the phrase "we are all mothers" brought me a significant amount of pain. It was a phrase that was said to me a few different times. Each time, it was said in a manor that was meant to bring me comfort but it failed greatly. I was being told that I had been given the opportunity to mother my nieces and nephews and the children of others. The phrase stung because as much as I love my nieces and nephews it just isn't the same thing as having a child of my own.

Through the large heart of a faithful woman (Who's blog happens to be titled "We Are All Mothers") this phrase has started to bring me comfort. Ever since I found her blog Christine's words have brought me a wealth of knowledge and comfort. In some ways you could say that she has become a "mother figure" for me. Through her words she has lifted me up multiple times without even knowing it.

Now, I know that having an opportunity to "mother" me isn't quite what she is looking for in her life. But, the knowledge I have gained from her has made me realize that I can't take for granted those opportunities I have been given to mother the children of others.

The phrase "we are all mothers" still doesn't ease the pain of not having a child of my own; but it stands for something now. It brings to light the other blessings and responsibilities I have been given.

Thank you Christine.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Stress and Fear

My hubby lost his job six months ago. There have been a couple of contracts he has gotten but nothing solid. He currently has two contracted jobs that he is doing right now. One is only giving him about 5 to 10 hours a week and the other one ends in a couple of weeks. The unemployment is gone. When this contract ends, I don't know what we are going to do. We aren't making ends meet as it is.

We can't afford the condo anymore; the payments are too high. I want to put it on the market. I know that it can take up to a year or more in order to get it to sell but at least I would feel like we were doing something. The hubby doesn't want to sell it; he says that it doesn't feel right. We also have some damage in one of the bathrooms that needs to be repaired before we could sell, and we don't have the money to fix that either. My home no longer brings me comfort and peace when I walk in the door; it just reminds me of all the things that aren't right in my life right now.

Going along with the financial situation, we have had to borrow some money from my in-laws to help pay the bills. This in and of itself causes more problems than good for all the obvious reasons. I hated the idea before we borrowed and I still hate the idea. To make matters worse, I just found out that they borrowed the money against their house in order to lend it to us. I want to throw up just thinking about it. I can't stand the fact that I am living on borrowed money from someone that didn't have the money to give it in the first place. It makes me feel dirty.

At work, there used to be two of us doing the same job. It was nice because when one of us started to get too busy the other would step in and help out. The other girl had a baby a few months ago and they gave her the option of working part time when she came back from maternity leave. I don't begrudge her the opportunity that she has to stay home with her baby. But, the increase it has placed on my workload is getting harder and harder for me to handle. She doesn't see it either. She comes in and acts like it isn't a big deal. In addition, she has picked up the attitude that she is the only one who works. She acts like all I do is sit around while she slaves away. I used to love my job...I don't anymore.

I mentioned in my last post that my hubby was diagnosed with diabetes and that he has a diabetic ulcer on the bottom of his foot. I am the sole person responsible for changing the bandages twice a day and making sure that it remains clean and continues to heal. As of right now, it is doing great. But, I can't help but worry about what happens if I do something wrong. If it stops healing or gets infected again then it is my fault. It is my responsibility.

My house work has gotten completely out of control. My hubby has always helped me out a ton. He took care of the dishes and helped out with the clutter control. He used to do laundry for me when I needed him to and he was the one that cooked dinner almost every night. With his foot issue, he has been put out of commission. He isn't allowed to put weight on his foot which means everything that he used to help me with is now back on my shoulders. The dishes are stacking up and the laundry is severely behind. Something smells in the kitchen. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to take care of everything...yet it is my responsibility.

I am also trying to finally finish up my degree. I was supposed to graduate in May with my Bachelors degree. I was able to take a class off because of my hubby's illness but I had to go back tonight. If I didn't go back then I would have to pay back my student loans for the semester because I wouldn't have had enough completed credit hours to qualify for the loan. All my break succeeded in doing was bumping me from a spring graduation to a fall one. At this rate I don't know if I am going to make it graduation. I can't concentrate on my classes with everything else going on.

Then there is the whole IF thing. This stress has been a constant companion for years. I know that I should be grateful to not have a child while I am going through all of this other stuff; but I can't seem to find it in my heart to be grateful. I have wanted a child to hold in my arms for so long that my arms ache with the emptiness. No matter how hard I try to remain positive, I can't help the tears from falling sometimes. I can't make the pain go away.

With everything that I am trying to deal with all at the same time, I find myself more and more tired every day. I could probably sleep for 24 hours straight and still wake up exhausted. More and more often I find myself staring at a blank wall because my brain just can't handle anything else. I have thought about going to the doctor and seeing if there is something that they can give me just to help me cope while all of this stuff sorts itself out. I know that it will all sort out and that everything will be okay...but trying to get there is the hard part. Sometimes I think that if I just had a little bit of help I can make it. This is where my greatest fear of all comes in to play though. We looked into adoption a while back and one of the questions that keeps floating before my eyes is "do you have any history of mental illness?" I am petrified that if I can't cope with all of this stress on my own, that they will deam me as mentally ill, and that I will loose all chance of ever being able to adopt. If I can't adopt, then I will probably never be a mother. And if I can't ever be a mother.........I just can't take that chance....I can't seal my fate like that.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

More Mountains

I had just come to terms with the mountains in my life. I had just started to enjoy the climb and the view when I was given another mountain.

On Halloween we went to my in-laws house so that we could see all of the nieces and nephews in their costumes. A few hours before "Witching hour" my hubby was sitting in a recliner and we noticed a very large blister on his foot. Closer inspection found that it was extremely hot, red, and their were dark streaks radiating out of it and up toward his ankle. We took him to urgent care where he was diagnosed with both diabetes and a diabetic ulcer which was extremely infected. He was immediately sent to the hospital where he spent the next two nights.

At the hospital they opened up the blister and cleaned out as much of the infection as they were able. They were also able to get his blood sugars down into a high-normal area. I sighed a breath of relief when I got to take him home. Little did I know that the true climb had just begun. Our days are now filled with doctors appointments, bandage changes, blood tests, and small meals every two to three hours. This is all between working full time and trying to juggle my classes at the University. Even then, the time that I spend at work or in class is spent wondering if everything is okay at home. Did I leave the house clean enough for him to get around? Will he be able to get his own lunch? He isn't allowed to put much weight on his foot because it slows the healing process. We are 4 weeks in and the doctor has said that it will probably be another 6 weeks before his foot is mostly done healing.

President Monson said that we shouldn't focus on what is missing from our lives; we should focus on what we do have. This has been difficult but with much effort I am coming to terms with this new challenge in our lives. I am truly grateful that I still have my husband with me and that the situation didn't get worse than it did. He could have lost his foot, or worse, his life. I am trying my best to focus on this time that we have been given together. This time where we can grow closer together and strengthen our marriage. We may have been given many mountains to climb, but we have also been given many blessings.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

My Mountain

I have been blessed with a mountain to climb. Most people wouldn't see a mountain that must be climbed as a blessing but I do. After being lost in a fog for so long, it is the most wonderful feeling to finally know where you are supposed to be going.

I love hiking even though it isn't something that I do very often. The reason why I love to hike is because it is the best way that I have found to connect with my Heavenly Father and everything that he has created on this earth.

It is for this reason that I look toward this new mountain in my life as a blessing. Through this climb I will be given the opportunity to witness many of the blessings that I have been given and may not know about quite yet. I will be given the opportunity to build new relationships, grow closer to my husband, and explore newly found talents. But most of all, I will be given the opportunity to increase my faith in the Lord.

My task in climbing this mountain is to prepare myself for motherhood and adoption. I have finally been able to answer the question of "Why." Why must I work so hard to obtain something that so many see and take for granted? The answer to this question is that this is one of my trials. Every person's trials are different. We don't choose our trials but we do choose how we handle them. I am choosing to place my feet on the path at the bottom of the hill and start the climb.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

New Beginnings

You is kind of weird when everything starts to fall into place after a long period of experiencing the unknown.

This Sunday past they changed the boundaries for our church. The group of condos that I live in have been taken out of one ward and put in another one. I see this as my chance at a new beginning. I am looking forward to Sunday for the first time in a very long time. I think that part of it is that I will now be in the same ward as a woman that I had the chance of working with a few years ago. When I knew her, she had just adopted a little girl because she was unable to have children. She understands what it is like. For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel alone anymore. There will be someone there who fully understands.

As for the newly found direction in my life, I am beginning to realize how difficult the journey ahead of me is going to be. What at first looked like a mild path winding down one hill, across a small valley, and up the other side is not quite so mild. I am beginning to realize that parts of this path are extremely steep and I won't be able to traverse them on my own. Other parts are lined with poison ivy and I am going to have to be extremely careful and stay directly in the center of the path as I go through. Then there are the parts that are lined with rose bushes and I see that there is no way that I am going to get through without some scrapes and scratches. Even with all of these obstacles in my way, I am still looking forward to this journey.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Moment of Clarity

Have you ever found yourself walking through a densely foggy morning? You never really know what is ahead of you and sometimes you question whether you are even headed in the right direction. As the sun begins to rise, your field of vision begins to open up but you still feel closed in and lost. Then suddenly like a veil being lifted the fog disappears and you experience that moment of clarity. That first moment when you realize exactly where you are and exactly where you are going. Everything seems new and alive and you can't help but smile.

I just experienced my moment of clarity this morning. For the past few months or even years I have been walking in a fog. I didn't understand why I was facing the challenges that I am and I didn't have a clue where my life was taking me or where I should be going. I felt lost and alone even when I was in a crowded room. I had moments when it seemed that I could see things on the edges of my vision but they were still cloudy and I couldn't see how they fit into my life. I tried to grasp onto them and to find comfort from them but they would slowly fade back into the fog...lost.

Today, my life has opened up before me and I can see where I am going. I can see what I need to do and where I need to go. I have a reason for waking up each morning, getting dressed, and going to work. The valley before me is green with beautiful wild flowers all kissed with the morning dew. The answers haven't all been revealed; I still don't know what is on the other side of my green valley. But, I can see the path that winds its way down the hill and across to the other side.

I feel at peace.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

More about the Diet

I didn't get my weekly weight in posted this past Saturday but it was 281.8.

I knew that I wasn't going to be loosing that week so I wasn't overly disappointed. I had too much on my plate last week to start my new diet so I started it this week. I am finding that it is a bit more difficult than I had thought it was going to be; but to be honest I was kind of expecting that too. I have done fairly well this week but I have slipped up a couple of times. Oddly enough though, I don't feel bad about those slip ups like I normally would. I just keep picking myself back up and trying again and that is truly a great feeling. I just pray that I can keep it up.

As for the diet itself I will give you a very brief overview. There are three basic rules that I have to follow:
1 - Every time I sit down to eat I have to eat at least on serving of protein
2 - I limit my carbs to no more than 2 serving per meal
3 - For each serving of carbs I eat, I have to eat a serving of protein
There is a bit more to it that this, but this is the basic idea.

I guess we will see how well I am doing on Saturday morning.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Is that a glimmer of TRUE hope?

Today's Weigh In: 282

I haven't ever lost my motivation for loosing weight; I just didn't know how to do it. There have been diets in the past that I have tried and I have lost weight on them but I had to stick to them religiously. The problem is that I couldn't keep them up. I would stick to them for a couple of weeks and then I would fall of the wagon. I thought that this was a problem with me and that my motivation and willpower just weren't strong enough, but I have recently found some information on another blog that pointed me in a direction that I have extremely high hopes for.

When I was diagnosed with PCOS my doctor said "loose weight and it will get better." My fertility specialist gave me a list of 5 diets to try and then said if they didn't work we could look at weight loss surgery. I tried the diets and failed and them. I don't want to do weight loss surgery, nor can I afford it so I have still been plugging along on my own. My primary care physician diagnosed me with Insulin Resistance and Metabolic Syndrome a few years ago. She put me on Actos and said "loose weight and it will get better." She gave me no guidance what so ever in regards as to how to loose the weight. It seems like all of my doctors agree that it is a problem with me and my willpower. They don't think I am trying hard enough. Heck, I didn't think I was trying hard enough.

The information that I got from this blog has led me to believe that maybe the problem isn't just me after all. Maybe there is more to it than that. I looked into the diet she mentioned her doctor gave her and I found a much more detailed version of it in a book called "The Insulin-Resistance Diet" by Cheryle R Heart, MD and Mary Kay Grossman, RD. This book actually explains why my brain may have been calling off those previous diets with cravings so intense that I felt I had not choice but to indulge. What I love the most about this diet is that (at least on paper) it looks really easy to follow and it doesn't seem like it is going to really feel like I am on a diet at all.

I'll keep you posted as to how it goes. With any luck this new way of eating will finally help me loose this weight. I have been overweight my entire life. I've never been able to go shopping a the mall for clothes. I have never been able to walk into any store I wanted and try on what ever I thought was cute. I have never been able to let myself think that I may be able to have a child someday...I may say it, but I never let myself actually believe it. You have no idea how great it feels to finally have some hope. I just pray that this works.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Starting Over.....Again

And it wasn't even Thanksgiving! I gained 5 pounds this last weekend. I am right back to where I was when I posted my "fat pics." I was doing so well there for a few days.

So, I'm starting over once again. At least it isn't taking me as long to pick myself back up between trys as it used to. I used to take a few months off after falling of the wagon. This time, it only lasted a few days and now I am trying again.

I don't need chocolate...I need a baby....I don't need chocolate...I need a baby...I don't need chocolate...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Defective Daughter-in-Law

Father's Day isn't usually quite as bad as Mother's Day for me, but it is still hard. I just feel like I am letting my husband down. I can't help him conceive a child and that breaks my heart. Father's Day just reminds me of what I can't give him. I almost made it through this Father's Day unscathed...almost.

We spent Father's Day with my hubby's mom and dad. Part of the family came over for dinner and the rest came over for desert. After the presents had been opened and everyone was just sitting around, the conversation turned to baby names. My SIL is pregnant and everyone is excited, including me. I was perfectly content with the problems at all, until someone mentioned the name Sarah. Everyone knows that my hubby and I have have always said that we were going to name our first girl Sarah (we claimed this name even before we were married), and so as a courtesy to us no one has taken that name. My SIL said that she really liked the name for a girl, but she knew that the name was "reserved." Then it happened. My MIL turned to my hubby and said "You had better get working on it or else you are going to loose your opportunity on the name"...or something to that effect...all I remember is that with those words my world came crashing down around me. I stood up and got out of there as fast as I could before they could see the tears spilling down my cheeks.

She made it sound like we haven't even been trying; like it is our choice that we haven't had children yet. It probably wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't know that she knows perfectly well what we are going through. It made me feel like she sees me as a failure to the family. All of the other women, including both of my BIL's exes, have produced children. Everyone has been able to pass on the family genes accept for my hubby...and it is all my fault.

I know that she doesn't really feel this way; at least I don't think she does. I also know that it wasn't her intention to crush me like that, especially in front of the entire family. But that doesn't make the pain go away.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

My New Theme Song

Everytime that I hear this song I am reminded of everything that I still have in front of me. I reminds me that I just need to keep climbing.

**Sorry, I can't get the music video to embed. Here is the link**

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I cut my hair...

A couple of years ago I had my hair cut to just above my shoulders. When I did this, I made a commitment to myself that I was not going to cut it again until I was pregnant. I told myself that as soon as I hit 200 pounds, I would make an appointment with my RE and we would start treatments again.

I have fought with these goals for the entire 2 years and I am no closer to getting there than I was then. I know that I posted my "fat pics" a couple of weeks ago and said that I was ready to try again...that lasted a whole 2 days before I fell off the wagon and have yet to get back up. It isn't that I don't have the motivation; I have plenty. I want to loose the weight and I want to have a baby more than anything else, so why is this so hard?

I think I have finally found that answer. I am scared. I have been over weight my entire life. I don't know any other way of living. After seven years of marriage with it being just the two of us, what is it going to be like having a child to care for? In some ways, I have just become so comfortable with my life being this way that the idea of it changing scares me. I know that my life can be so much better and that I will find much more fulfilment if I move forward but there is still that fear in the back of my mind that is holding me back.

I was looking in the mirror and I saw my hair as a symbol of that fear. It reminded me of how long I have been letting fear rule my life. I have been letting fear rule my life much longer than those 2 years but this was still just a physical measure of my failure to take control of my life. So...I cut it off. My hair once again falls to just above my shoulders. It is about time that I start writing my own story. And write it I page at a time.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Please don't take your children for granted

I am not a bitter IFer. I may get a tad sad when I hear yet another pregnancy announcement. I may throw myself pity parties on occasion. But I never hold a grudge against people who are able to conceive. In fact, I am genuinely happy for people who don't have to go through what I am going through in order to have children. However, I do hold a grudge against people who take these tiny miracles for granted.

I went to lunch by myself today. When I walked in I noticed a table of about 6 women who looked like they were probably old school friends or something. The majority of their plates were all empty and they were just talking. At the end of the table was a little 3 year old girl. She was sitting there quietly playing with some left over food. I ordered my food and then sat down at the table next to them. A few minutes after I sat down the little girl tried to get her mothers attention. She said "mommy" at least 5 times and her mother didn't even acknowledge that the girl had spoken. Rose (I've changed her name) proceeded to stand up on her chair, jump up and down, yelling "Mommy" at the top of her lungs. Her mother continued to ignore her. There wasn't a "shh, mommy is talking" or anything. Rose then proceeded to climb down from her seat and start walking around the restaurant. She came over to my table and said "hi" to me. She then walked around to every other table and proceeded to tell everyone her name and how old she was. She played with things on the other tables and even ate some food off of a plate that had been left by another customer.

It was a good 10 minutes before her mother even noticed that Rose wasn't at the table. Instead of getting up and trying to find her, the mother just yelled across the room and then went back to her conversation. About 3 minutes later the mother finally got up, picked Rose up and took her back to her seat. Rose proceeded trying to get her mothers attention once again by calling her name, and when her mother didn't respond (just like the time before) she got down from the table and started to walk around again. Rose walked across the restaurant, climbed up onto a bench, and cuddled up with a man sitting at the table. She started talking to him and asking him questions. He responded and tried to get the mothers attention at least once or twice. Anyone walking by would have thought that she was his. Her mother once again, hadn't even noticed that Rose had left the table. She finally noticed about another 10 minutes later and went and got Rose. She sat her at the table and said "you need to sit here or I am going to put you in a high chair...I mean it." No sooner had Rose's bottom hit the chair, Rose was up and running across the room again. Would you believe that her mother didn't notice her getting up again!?! Less than two seconds later!!! About 5 minutes later, from clear across the room, I heard Rose yell "Mommy come get me." in her high little giggly voice. No response what so ever from the mother. Then in a quieter voice laced with tears, but one that still carried across the room "Mommy PLEASE come get me." Her mom didn't budge.

At this point, I left with a tear running down my cheek. That poor little girl wanted nothing but a little bit of attention from her mother who obviously felt that her friends were more important than her own daughter.

Don't get me wrong, I know that kids can be a handful at restaurants. I've seen plenty of parents chasing kids over the years. I have seen my share of out of control kids. But seriously! If you are going out with your girl friends and you know that you are probably going to be sitting at the table for an hour plus after the meal is over, use your brain! A three year old isn't going to be able to sit there for that long with out some for of entertainment!

Any parent who actually cared would have at least brought a coloring book and some crayons for the child to play with. Any parent who actually cared would have at least acknowledged her calls by telling her that she was talking but would be happy to listen in a minute. Any parent who actually cared would have at least been paying close enough attention to know when the child left the table. Any parent who actually cared would have at least noticed when her daughter was talking to a stranger with whom she most likely would have left if he had asked her to.

Come on parents! Don't you understand what a blessing you have with your little ones? Can't you see how special they are? If you aren't prepared to give them what they need to grow up, then don't have them! There are too many of us out there who would give our lives to experience the miracle that you have received. Embrace your miracles, don't push them aside like trash.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Can I do it? Yes I can!

I've been thinking a lot about this weight loss thing. It seems like every time that I try to loose weight, I fail miserably. I start out with all the motivation in the world but I can't seem to hold on to it. I am gearing up to try again but I have no idea what is going to happen. I do have some tricks up my sleeve for this round and I am hoping that these will help me stick to it this time.

My first trick is that I am looking at weight loss as my current IF treatment. I may not be doing an IUI or IVF, but I am doing something. My body didn't respond at all to medications when I went to an RE a few years ago. My RE told me that my only chance to get pregnant was to loose weight. I think that I have completely lost touch with this reality. Something inside of me just keeps hoping that even though I have failed at loosing weight, I will still meraculously become pregnant one day. I now know that this just isn't going to happen. It is up to me to make it happen.

My second trick is that I am going to take a page out of the "pregnant lady" book. Have you ever noticed that almost all pregnant people take "belly shots" throughout their pregnancy? They start with that little bump and then grow into big tummies about ready to pop. I know that one of my SILs did this with hers and I think that the other one did to (did you?). Anyway, I am going to do this too, but for weight loss instead. I am going to start with a picture of my big belly and hope that as the weeks go on it will get smaller and smaller. With no further are my starting pics. (By the way it took some major guts to post these...I get tears in my eyes just looking at them)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Motivation Can Be Found in Some Very Unpleasant Places

This may sound terrible to some of you...but, on occasion when I am out and I see someone that I think is extremely overweight I compare myself to them by asking the person I am with if I am that big too. I know that I am overweight and that I have a long way to go before I am at a healthy weight, but for some reason, it makes me feel better to hear my hubby or my mom say that I am not "that bad." Well, I guess you could say that turn about is fair play.

The hubby and I were out at a restaurant this weekend. We had finished our meal and were standing up to leave. Our table was pushed up really close to a wall and I couldn't get out the other way because of another table that had people sitting at it. I slid off of my chair and slowly squeezed myself through the gap between the table and the wall. As we were passing the other table that was close to ours the woman leaned over to her husband and said "I'm not really that big am I?"

It didn't know whether I wanted to throw up everything I had just eaten or just sit down in the middle of the floor and start bawling. Fortunately I did neither; but I did come out of the experience with some serious motivation for loosing weight. I hope to never forget that moment there in the restaurant. With that memory and with the knowledge that my weight is preventing me from having children, I am hoping to push myself toward the breaking point where I can finally commit to loosing the weight once and for all.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Standing Still

I have been married just over seven years. The day I got married I was standing on an island in the middle of a rushing river. I saw my marriage as the boat that would get me off that island and take me to all of the places in my dreams. It would take me through the rapids of motherhood, the tranquil waters of safety and security, and out onto the hidden lake of accomplishment.

We boarded our boat and asked the river to take us toward our dreams. Only the rapids of motherhood quickly began to fog over until they could no longer be seen. Large boulders of debt began to block the way toward the tranquil waters of safety and security until there were too many to navigate around. The hidden lake of accomplishment lies on the other side of the tranquil waters and remains hidden behind ever growing self doubt and fear. As the ability to ever reach any of our dreams seems to grow farther and farther away we look up to find we are still beached on the same island we were on when we boarded our boat.

I have been married just over seven years. I am still sitting in the same place I was the day I got married; on an island in the middle of a rushing river. Waiting. Forever waiting, for my chance to dip my oars into the water and experience the true powers of life.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Our Chicken Doesn't Lay Eggs

Yesterday we had an early Mother's Day get together with my in laws. Generally my hubby's family is pretty content with just us being there and they don't bring up the fact that we don't have kids. My BIL was joking around and mentioned that we needed to adopt a little girl (long story as to how it came up; no need to go over it here).

Later, during dinner, the subject surfaced again. My SILs husband kind of looked at us with that question in his eyes. I basically just came out and said "it is most likely that we are going to have to adopt if we are going to have children." He replied that he thought we were going to use a surrogate. (We have had three women offer to be a surrogate for us, including his wife, and I think that is where this idea came from.) I sat there for a minute and then leaned over to my hubby and asked him how I should explain the situation without his mother getting offended by the "table conversation" and also to prevent an awkward moment due to the children that were within ear shot. I ended up going with this: "It isn't the oven that is broken. We just don't have all the ingredients to bake a cake."

I thought that this was very creative if I do say so myself...but apparently my hubby felt that I had left something out so he added "Our chicken doesn't lay eggs."

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Baby Dreams

Lately I have been plagued by baby dreams almost every night. They are extremely vivid, causing my arms and my heart to ache every time that I wake up. I have had these dreams before but it is usually just for one or two nights and then they are gone for a while. There is one other major difference between my recent dreams and the ones that I have had in the past. In each of these new dreams, the baby is adopted.

In the first one my husband and I had been speaking to a few different birth mothers. Our case worker arranged for us to go and meet one of them in another country. It was just supposed to be a meeting, nothing more. Once we arrived the girl went in to labor and then just handed me the baby and asked me to take it. We didn't have anything for the baby; no clothes, no car seat. I just had this baby handed to me and I had no idea what to do. But at the same time, I was filled with such love and such intense emotions that even my writing about it for this post is causing me to tear up.

There have been a few other variations of the "baby dream" but this first one was the most powerful and has stuck with me the longest. What I don't understand is why the switch to adoption? The hubby and I haven't talked about adoption for quite a while. I don't know anyone who is in the process or even talking about adoption. There are plenty of people who are pregnant...shouldn't I be dreaming about that?

Monday, May 4, 2009

So much to tell...and yet so little time

There has been a ton of stuff going on in my life lately. My life is finally starting to get into a rhythm again...although it is a much different rhythm than it was a month ago. I thought that I would take a minute to give you a quick glimpse of the highlights.

My hubby has joined the ranks of the unemployed...not by choice. This is the fourth time in the seven years that we have been married. Apparently his line of work is very closely tied to the economy. He is the first to have a job when it starts to go well and the first to loose his job when things go bad. He has been officially unemployed now for 3 weeks. There hasn't been a single nibble on his resume. We are currently looking nationwide and have still come up empty handed. By the way...does anyone need a piping designer?

The hubby's B-Day was a couple of weeks ago. I planned a nice long weekend trip to the Denver area to see the Mammoth play their last game of the regular season. The weather was sooooo nice leading up to that trip. We left on a Wednesday afternoon, drove most of the way and then stopped for the night in Ft. Collins, CO. It is a lovely little college town. We didn't get to see too much of it though because it rained all day on Thursday. We stayed with one of the hubby's aunts for the rest of the weekend. We planned on doing some sight seeing...only that rain from Thursday turned into a massive snowstorm on Friday. Events were being canceled and kids were being sent home from school. We braved the storm and rode the train into downtown to the Pepsi center. I figured that we had traveled all the way from Utah to see that game and snow or not, we were going to see a game. We made it back to the house we were staying at safely. The next morning...we were snowed in. We spent all of the day on Saturday inside, watching the snow fall...18 inches of the white stuff. On Sunday morning the sun shown down and melted all that snow away, perfect for our trip home. I don't think that they ever want us to go back to Denver...apparently we are bad luck.

On to the next little tidbit. On the Wednesday before last, I gave birth to a couple of bouncing baby kidney stones (one in each kidney no less) and I did the majority of it without pain medication. I will admit that I had apparently already given birth to the left one prior to the trip to the ER. It was the right one that caused the need for that field trip. The ER doctor looked extremely surprised when he found out that I hadn't had a drop of pain medication during the 4 and a half hours that it took for them to figure out what was wrong with me. Go figure.

I'm terribly sorry if I got any one's hopes up there for a second. There still isn't even a glimmer of baby news in my foreseeable future. But at least I now know that it is entirely possible that I may be one of those women who can handle child birth without pain meds. But then again, now that I have experienced the pain without...I figure, why do it more than once in a life time, I want the drugs!

That about wraps up the highlights from post...Baby Dreams

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Loneliness is a very lonely place indeed

**WARNING** This post is long and there is no humor **WARNING**

When I went in to the 9th grade, I made a new friend. I was hesitant at first because she was far from being popular with any crowd and I was already way too unpopular on my own, but it ended up working out. I will admit that through high school I was far from the perfect friend. We had a ton of fun but I can't honestly say that I never made fun of her when I was with other kids...trying to fit in. She never seemed to mind though. She was always there for me.

After graduation I realized what a true friend I had in her. I regretted the fact that I had taken her friendship for granted. She said that she understood and that everything was fine. But now, I won't say how many years later, I am starting to realize that our friendship was broken at that point.

When she went to college in Idaho and I stayed behind in Utah she never wrote and rarely called. When she did call, it was generally because she needed a shoulder to cry on. I listened to her talk about the new friends she was making and I tried to be happy for her. I have never been good at making friends so while she was in Idaho living it up, I was here alone. I didn't have anyone else. So, when she called and asked if I could drive up and help her move back home for the summer I dropped everything and went. While she was here we rarely saw each other because we were both working. Then her family moved to Oregon and she went with them.

While she was in Oregon, we exchanged one or two emails over a span of a year or two. She rarely called. I went up to visit her twice. She never once came to see me. She went back to Idaho and she called to cry about boys. She came down a couple of times and stayed with me but it was only because she had a couple of guys that she was dating down here. I was okay with it though. She was here right?

She then got engaged. She called me and was so excited. She started talking to me about planning the wedding and asking for my advise. She made reference to me possibly being in her wedding party. Then the calls stopped until I got one where she said that she was getting married in a week and was scared about the wedding night. She wanted someone who had already gone through it to talk to. A week before the wedding! I hadn't even received an invitation! But, I let her come over and we talked about all of her fears and I gave her the advise she was asking for. I didn't go to the stung...but I still pressed on.

Then she got married. Her husband doesn't like my husband and I; he did everything he could to let us know that he didn't want us around. He refused to come over to our house with her. She stopped coming. Then I got the call that they had split and once again she stayed with me for a while. I listed to her cry. I tried to be there for her as best I could. After a week or so she moved in with her sister. She called every time that he did something stupid. I tried calling her a couple of times when we thought my mom had cancer, and when my hubby and I were having a rough patch but she was always too busy to talk.

Then she and her husband got back together. She called to let me know. Hubby and I were still in a pretty rough spot, but she was reorganizing her DVDs and couldn't concentrate on what I was trying to talk about...I didn't really need to talk to her about it anyway. I knew things would work out between hubby and I so it was okay....but the sting made it's presence felt and it never really faded this time.

She called me again once to tell me that her mother had told her that she didn't want to be her mom anymore. She was in hysterics. Come to find out that her mom was having a really rough time. Her dad was sick and he had lost his job. She wasn't worried about what her mom was going through...she was worried about herself and what she was going to do without her mom??? Seriously?!? If I was her mom and she was acting that selfishly I probably would have told her that I didn't want to be her mother anymore too! I basically told her as much but in a much nicer know the friendly way. I smoothed it over and told her that she needed to help her mom through this time. I gave her an idea to send her mom a gift basket. I even offered to make it for her. She said that she would call me the next day so that we could get together and put it together...she never called back.

At this point I realized that I had spent all these years trying to make up for the mistakes I had made in our friendship clear back in high school. I thought that I had done enough repenting. I still wanted to be her friend more than ever, but I told myself that she was going to have to step up to the plate and be there for me if I was going to be there for her.

Since that point in time she did call once for no apparent reason but to ask how I was. I thought that we had reached a turning point. But then months passed by with nothing more than two text messages begging me to come to a Mary Kay party that she was hosting... I never returned them.

With that said and done, I have still held out hope that someday we would be best friends again. That we would find a way to communicate within our schedules and maybe do something together once a month or so. That tiny bit of string that I have been holding onto over all this time was cut last night. I found out from her sister that she is pregnant. She didn't call... didn't send an email...nothing. I guess she has moved on and now it's my turn.

Looking back I know that the only reason why I have held on this long is because I don't have anyone else to turn to. I have my loving hubby who means more than anything else in the world to me...but I don't have a single girl friend. No one to cry with or discuss girly things with. Now that I don't even have that last little string of hope to hold on is a very lonely place to be.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"Mind the Big Rocks!"

Have you ever seen Robin Hood: Men in Tights? There is a scene toward the beginning when Prince John has his first encounter with Robin Hood. Robin slices through one of the straps on Prince John's saddle and John finds himself still sitting on the saddle but it is now strapped to the horse's stomach. Robin then sends the horse off while calling "Mind the big rocks" and you see the horse ride off over the hill with Prince John's head hitting the ground with each stride.

This is how I rode my horse throughout the month of February. In the past, if I have ever "fallen off the horse" I generally sit there in the dirt for a year or so before finding the motivation to get up and try again. I easily loose sight of my motivation and my goals. This time I didn't loose sight of my goals at all, I just couldn't seem to get upright on my horse and I kept beating my head on the rocks with every step forward. Now that I have finally gotten my horse stopped I have found that all those painful steps forward were actually steps in a great big circle. I haven't really gone anywhere accept for possibly a little bit backward. I have absolutely nothing to show for the pain.

Oddly enough, I believe that it was my youngest niece that helped me regain my footing. Yesterday we were over at her house and she looked at me and said "Aunt Bee Bee, do you have any kids?" Normally this would have broken my heart because I had to tell her no, but it didn't. It just kind of shook me back to reality. I guess you could say that her innocent comment helped me fix my saddle and get back up on my horse. Tomorrow I will once again set off on my journey...and this time I will do my best to "mind the big rocks."

Saturday, February 7, 2009

What in the world is happening to me?!?

A few years ago when my nephew was being potty trained he would yell "what in the world is happening to me?" every time that he had a bowel movement on the potty. We all thought this was hilarious at the time. Once he outgrew this "phase" it was soon forgotten; but it came back to my mind this evening as I was contemplating this last week and I now sympathize with him.

Have you ever been with a group of people and you suddenly realize that you are mirroring another person's body language? You immediately uncross your arms and switch the way that your legs are crossed and secretly hope that no one noticed; only to find yourself mirroring them again minutes later. The mirroring is a subconscious act. Other subconscious acts involve phrases that we use all of the time, the way that we react to certain situations, nervous habits, etc. We generally don't notice that we do these things until someone points them out to us and this is where my nephew's plight comes in.

You have been doing something for years and you don't know how or why you do it; it just happens. Now you are aware of it and every time that you do it something clicks in your brain and you notice how odd or different it is. Sometimes you even catch yourself right before you do it but you can't stop yourself from doing it anyway. Eventually it starts to bug you because you just can't understand it and if you keep going without gaining an understanding you start to get frustrated...eventually you find yourself yelling "What in the world is happening to me?" (picture a little 3 year old who suddenly feels like his insides are comming out...yep he is going to want to know what in the world is happening to him)

I reached this level of frustration with myself this morning. The habit I have been fighting all week is that of eating small but calorie filled snacks throughout the day and not sticking to my diet. Each day I woke up this week and said that I was going to stick to the diet but each day I kept shoveling it in. I tried to fight it. I consciously knew that what I was doing was wrong and I really wanted to stick to the diet but I just couldn't make myself do it. I was so frustrated with myself because I didn't know why I couldn't get my brain to keep my hand from going to my mouth. I have finally figured it out.

It was emotional eating. I have been doing so well over the past month that this came as a really big shock. Heck, I made it all the way through a round of Provera and a full week of AF with very few temptations to break my what happened last week that put me over the edge? One of my coworkers is pregnant. She just got married 3 or 4 months ago. I didn't think that it was bothering me because I really truly am happy for her. She had some rough times in her past and gave up 2 babies for adoption. I know what it feels like to want a baby of your own that you can keep and I am glad that she will no longer have to face that emptiness in her arms.

But I guess subconsciously it has dredged up those old feelings of "when will it be my turn." I have been really trying to keep a positive attitude lately but I know that realistically the feelings won't just go away. At least now I can acknowledge them once again and work on separating them from my eating habits.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

A memorial to January

January; you brought me many gifts over the past 31 days. You brought me some very exciting hockey games. You brought me a little bit closer to my sister-in-law. You brought me more incite and knowledge. On the other hand you also brought with you a cycle of Provera which made me crabby and emotional. You brought with you the week of torture called AF. And for your final gift to me, you brought me my birthday today. Another birthday that I wish hadn't come just yet. Over all I would say that we had some good times and some bad times. As my gift to you I give you the 6 pounds that I lost during your time with me. May you take them far away so that I never have to see them again. I will always remember you as the month that I finally started to get it together and realize what my life is really about. While we did have our struggles, I will always remember you fondly.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Well it sure isn't fresh!

The other day my husband and I were discussing my upcoming birthday. I will be turning 28 years old. I was kind of down for a number of reasons. I was still quite emotional from this latest round of Provera. In addition, I tend to look at each birthday as another failed attempt at the life that I have always wanted. I don't have any kids yet and all I seem to have to show for this 28 years of life is a whole lot of debt and a job that I don't like. I looked at my husband and said "look at me...I'm just an old fart." He replied with a very straight face "you are a bunch of stale air from the bum?" Not fully understanding what he had said I repeated back to him "a bunch of stale air?" and he said "well it sure isn't fresh!"

It is moments like these that I know I am truly blessed. No matter what the situation, my husband can always help me find the humor in it.

Monday, January 19, 2009

20 sticks of butter

I have lost almost 5 pounds so far this month/year.  Taking it one week at a time seems to be doing rather well so I will continue doing things that way and hopefully in the end that 5 pounds will begin to multiply.  Sometimes thinking that it is only 5 pounds and knowing how much I really need to loose can get me down so I developed this imaging technique.  When you buy a box of butter it generally comes in 1 pound boxes split into 4 sticks.  So for each pound I loose I am technically loosing 4 sticks of butter right?  So by loosing 5 pounds I have in essence lost 20 sticks of butter.  I then picture myself with all of those sticks of butter taped to my body in various places.  It really helps me realize how much of an accomplishment 5 pound really is. My goal...adding another 10 sticks to that week at a time.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

They have pills for that?!?

I work in a small office with only 3 other employees, two of which are female.  One of the girls is a little bit younger than me and the other is about the same age as my mom. When our boss (the only male) is out of the office we tend to banter about anything and everything including those personal female things.  Most of the time it is just me and the younger girl that are talking but occasionally the older one will join in.  

On Thursday I took my first dose of Provera for this months induced "cleansing" cycle.  I don't know about anyone else that has taken Provera but I usually end up having major PMS with it so I have dubbed Provera the "B" pill.  When I took this first dose I apologized up front to my two female coworkers and told them to please forgive me if I am extremely moody over the next week.  The younger one just kind of laughed at me because she knew what I was talking about from previous conversations, the older one just kind of looked at me with this quizzical look on her face.  I went on to explain to the older one that I had to take a cycle of pills that turn me into a real Bi*ch.  She became very quiet and after a few seconds of this quiet contemplation asked "They have pills for that?"

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A New Year...A New Woman?

I have done a lot of soul searching and I have formulated one single resolution for this year.  It is something very personal and I hold it in my heart like a fragile egg.  I fear that if I were to say it out loud to anyone other than my husband, I would be tarnishing it. It is the purist wish I have ever made, and I intend on doing everything that I can to achieve it.

In order to obtain this goal, I am going to use my newly found method of taking one week at a time. I have identified each of the steps that I need to complete and then broken those steps down into manageable pieces that can each be handled in single week increments.  This week my goals are as follows:

1. Log everything that I put into my mouth.
2. Exercise for 30 min. at least 3 days this week.
3. Take my medications every day
4. Complete all of my school assignments for this week.
5. Complete 7 pages of the book I am currently working on
6. Create and review our budget for this month.

It may sound weird, but this year has brought something new with it for me.  It smells different...sounds different.  I feel like 2009 holds something very precious within it's grasp, but I have to be ready and willing to accept what it brings...the good and the bad.  I feel myself changing already....who am I going to be when 2009 ends?  Only time will tell.