Sunday, October 25, 2009

My Mountain

I have been blessed with a mountain to climb. Most people wouldn't see a mountain that must be climbed as a blessing but I do. After being lost in a fog for so long, it is the most wonderful feeling to finally know where you are supposed to be going.

I love hiking even though it isn't something that I do very often. The reason why I love to hike is because it is the best way that I have found to connect with my Heavenly Father and everything that he has created on this earth.

It is for this reason that I look toward this new mountain in my life as a blessing. Through this climb I will be given the opportunity to witness many of the blessings that I have been given and may not know about quite yet. I will be given the opportunity to build new relationships, grow closer to my husband, and explore newly found talents. But most of all, I will be given the opportunity to increase my faith in the Lord.

My task in climbing this mountain is to prepare myself for motherhood and adoption. I have finally been able to answer the question of "Why." Why must I work so hard to obtain something that so many see and take for granted? The answer to this question is that this is one of my trials. Every person's trials are different. We don't choose our trials but we do choose how we handle them. I am choosing to place my feet on the path at the bottom of the hill and start the climb.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

New Beginnings

You is kind of weird when everything starts to fall into place after a long period of experiencing the unknown.

This Sunday past they changed the boundaries for our church. The group of condos that I live in have been taken out of one ward and put in another one. I see this as my chance at a new beginning. I am looking forward to Sunday for the first time in a very long time. I think that part of it is that I will now be in the same ward as a woman that I had the chance of working with a few years ago. When I knew her, she had just adopted a little girl because she was unable to have children. She understands what it is like. For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel alone anymore. There will be someone there who fully understands.

As for the newly found direction in my life, I am beginning to realize how difficult the journey ahead of me is going to be. What at first looked like a mild path winding down one hill, across a small valley, and up the other side is not quite so mild. I am beginning to realize that parts of this path are extremely steep and I won't be able to traverse them on my own. Other parts are lined with poison ivy and I am going to have to be extremely careful and stay directly in the center of the path as I go through. Then there are the parts that are lined with rose bushes and I see that there is no way that I am going to get through without some scrapes and scratches. Even with all of these obstacles in my way, I am still looking forward to this journey.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Moment of Clarity

Have you ever found yourself walking through a densely foggy morning? You never really know what is ahead of you and sometimes you question whether you are even headed in the right direction. As the sun begins to rise, your field of vision begins to open up but you still feel closed in and lost. Then suddenly like a veil being lifted the fog disappears and you experience that moment of clarity. That first moment when you realize exactly where you are and exactly where you are going. Everything seems new and alive and you can't help but smile.

I just experienced my moment of clarity this morning. For the past few months or even years I have been walking in a fog. I didn't understand why I was facing the challenges that I am and I didn't have a clue where my life was taking me or where I should be going. I felt lost and alone even when I was in a crowded room. I had moments when it seemed that I could see things on the edges of my vision but they were still cloudy and I couldn't see how they fit into my life. I tried to grasp onto them and to find comfort from them but they would slowly fade back into the fog...lost.

Today, my life has opened up before me and I can see where I am going. I can see what I need to do and where I need to go. I have a reason for waking up each morning, getting dressed, and going to work. The valley before me is green with beautiful wild flowers all kissed with the morning dew. The answers haven't all been revealed; I still don't know what is on the other side of my green valley. But, I can see the path that winds its way down the hill and across to the other side.

I feel at peace.