Motivation Can Be Found in Some Very Unpleasant Places

This may sound terrible to some of you...but, on occasion when I am out and I see someone that I think is extremely overweight I compare myself to them by asking the person I am with if I am that big too. I know that I am overweight and that I have a long way to go before I am at a healthy weight, but for some reason, it makes me feel better to hear my hubby or my mom say that I am not "that bad." Well, I guess you could say that turn about is fair play.

The hubby and I were out at a restaurant this weekend. We had finished our meal and were standing up to leave. Our table was pushed up really close to a wall and I couldn't get out the other way because of another table that had people sitting at it. I slid off of my chair and slowly squeezed myself through the gap between the table and the wall. As we were passing the other table that was close to ours the woman leaned over to her husband and said "I'm not really that big am I?"

It didn't know whether I wanted to throw up everything I had just eaten or just sit down in the middle of the floor and start bawling. Fortunately I did neither; but I did come out of the experience with some serious motivation for loosing weight. I hope to never forget that moment there in the restaurant. With that memory and with the knowledge that my weight is preventing me from having children, I am hoping to push myself toward the breaking point where I can finally commit to loosing the weight once and for all.

What in the world is happening to me?!?

A few years ago when my nephew was being potty trained he would yell "what in the world is happening to me?" every time that he had a bowel movement on the potty. We all thought this was hilarious at the time. Once he outgrew this "phase" it was soon forgotten; but it came back to my mind this evening as I was contemplating this last week and I now sympathize with him.

Have you ever been with a group of people and you suddenly realize that you are mirroring another person's body language? You immediately uncross your arms and switch the way that your legs are crossed and secretly hope that no one noticed; only to find yourself mirroring them again minutes later. The mirroring is a subconscious act. Other subconscious acts involve phrases that we use all of the time, the way that we react to certain situations, nervous habits, etc. We generally don't notice that we do these things until someone points them out to us and this is where my nephew's plight comes in.

You have been doing something for years and you don't know how or why you do it; it just happens. Now you are aware of it and every time that you do it something clicks in your brain and you notice how odd or different it is. Sometimes you even catch yourself right before you do it but you can't stop yourself from doing it anyway. Eventually it starts to bug you because you just can't understand it and if you keep going without gaining an understanding you start to get frustrated...eventually you find yourself yelling "What in the world is happening to me?" (picture a little 3 year old who suddenly feels like his insides are comming out...yep he is going to want to know what in the world is happening to him)

I reached this level of frustration with myself this morning. The habit I have been fighting all week is that of eating small but calorie filled snacks throughout the day and not sticking to my diet. Each day I woke up this week and said that I was going to stick to the diet but each day I kept shoveling it in. I tried to fight it. I consciously knew that what I was doing was wrong and I really wanted to stick to the diet but I just couldn't make myself do it. I was so frustrated with myself because I didn't know why I couldn't get my brain to keep my hand from going to my mouth. I have finally figured it out.

It was emotional eating. I have been doing so well over the past month that this came as a really big shock. Heck, I made it all the way through a round of Provera and a full week of AF with very few temptations to break my diet...so what happened last week that put me over the edge? One of my coworkers is pregnant. She just got married 3 or 4 months ago. I didn't think that it was bothering me because I really truly am happy for her. She had some rough times in her past and gave up 2 babies for adoption. I know what it feels like to want a baby of your own that you can keep and I am glad that she will no longer have to face that emptiness in her arms.

But I guess subconsciously it has dredged up those old feelings of "when will it be my turn." I have been really trying to keep a positive attitude lately but I know that realistically the feelings won't just go away. At least now I can acknowledge them once again and work on separating them from my eating habits.

20 sticks of butter

I have lost almost 5 pounds so far this month/year.  Taking it one week at a time seems to be doing rather well so I will continue doing things that way and hopefully in the end that 5 pounds will begin to multiply.  Sometimes thinking that it is only 5 pounds and knowing how much I really need to loose can get me down so I developed this imaging technique.  When you buy a box of butter it generally comes in 1 pound boxes split into 4 sticks.  So for each pound I loose I am technically loosing 4 sticks of butter right?  So by loosing 5 pounds I have in essence lost 20 sticks of butter.  I then picture myself with all of those sticks of butter taped to my body in various places.  It really helps me realize how much of an accomplishment 5 pound really is. My goal...adding another 10 sticks to that image...one week at a time.

One week at a time...

Of my last two classes, I failed one and I came as close to failing the other as you can without actually doing it.  I then took a small break to sort out this mess that I have gotten myself into. I started my latest class last week and instead of starting the class like I usually do by telling myself that I am going to get an A and accept nothing else, I told myself that I am going to take this class one week at a time.  I made a goal for myself to get all of my assignments done that week...and I did it!  So far I am on track to meeting this weeks goal.  All of the stress and anxiety that I have been feeling for the past year regarding school seems to finally be fading into something much more manageable.  I think that I may have finally stumbled across my salvation and that maybe I have finally found the key to getting off of this emotional roller coaster that I have been on.

I already know that in order to give myself a chance at conceiving a child, I am first going to have to loose some major weight.  I have been looking at the weight issue as the first stepping stone and I have succeeded in nothing.  In a similar fashion to how I am now handling school, I am going to break down this stepping stone of mine into much smaller and easier to handle pieces.  Instead of looking at loosing 150 pounds, I am going to first try to loose 5 pounds.  After I loose that 5 pounds I will set another goal for myself.  

This is all trial and error, but I think that I have finally come to terms with that fact that life itself is all trial and error.  As we go through life we all make mistakes.  We learn from those mistakes and then we make progress.  I know that I have many more mistakes ahead of me, but I also know that I will experience many good and wonderful things along the way as well.

Here's to leaving my "down" on my way to an "up"....and let me stay up for a while...