I have been blessed with a mountain to climb. Most people wouldn't see a mountain that must be climbed as a blessing but I do. After being lost in a fog for so long, it is the most wonderful feeling to finally know where you are supposed to be going.
I love hiking even though it isn't something that I do very often. The reason why I love to hike is because it is the best way that I have found to connect with my Heavenly Father and everything that he has created on this earth.
It is for this reason that I look toward this new mountain in my life as a blessing. Through this climb I will be given the opportunity to witness many of the blessings that I have been given and may not know about quite yet. I will be given the opportunity to build new relationships, grow closer to my husband, and explore newly found talents. But most of all, I will be given the opportunity to increase my faith in the Lord.
My task in climbing this mountain is to prepare myself for motherhood and adoption. I have finally been able to answer the question of "Why." Why must I work so hard to obtain something that so many see and take for granted? The answer to this question is that this is one of my trials. Every person's trials are different. We don't choose our trials but we do choose how we handle them. I am choosing to place my feet on the path at the bottom of the hill and start the climb.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
New Beginnings
You know...it is kind of weird when everything starts to fall into place after a long period of experiencing the unknown.
This Sunday past they changed the boundaries for our church. The group of condos that I live in have been taken out of one ward and put in another one. I see this as my chance at a new beginning. I am looking forward to Sunday for the first time in a very long time. I think that part of it is that I will now be in the same ward as a woman that I had the chance of working with a few years ago. When I knew her, she had just adopted a little girl because she was unable to have children. She understands what it is like. For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel alone anymore. There will be someone there who fully understands.
As for the newly found direction in my life, I am beginning to realize how difficult the journey ahead of me is going to be. What at first looked like a mild path winding down one hill, across a small valley, and up the other side is not quite so mild. I am beginning to realize that parts of this path are extremely steep and I won't be able to traverse them on my own. Other parts are lined with poison ivy and I am going to have to be extremely careful and stay directly in the center of the path as I go through. Then there are the parts that are lined with rose bushes and I see that there is no way that I am going to get through without some scrapes and scratches. Even with all of these obstacles in my way, I am still looking forward to this journey.
This Sunday past they changed the boundaries for our church. The group of condos that I live in have been taken out of one ward and put in another one. I see this as my chance at a new beginning. I am looking forward to Sunday for the first time in a very long time. I think that part of it is that I will now be in the same ward as a woman that I had the chance of working with a few years ago. When I knew her, she had just adopted a little girl because she was unable to have children. She understands what it is like. For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel alone anymore. There will be someone there who fully understands.
As for the newly found direction in my life, I am beginning to realize how difficult the journey ahead of me is going to be. What at first looked like a mild path winding down one hill, across a small valley, and up the other side is not quite so mild. I am beginning to realize that parts of this path are extremely steep and I won't be able to traverse them on my own. Other parts are lined with poison ivy and I am going to have to be extremely careful and stay directly in the center of the path as I go through. Then there are the parts that are lined with rose bushes and I see that there is no way that I am going to get through without some scrapes and scratches. Even with all of these obstacles in my way, I am still looking forward to this journey.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A Moment of Clarity
Have you ever found yourself walking through a densely foggy morning? You never really know what is ahead of you and sometimes you question whether you are even headed in the right direction. As the sun begins to rise, your field of vision begins to open up but you still feel closed in and lost. Then suddenly like a veil being lifted the fog disappears and you experience that moment of clarity. That first moment when you realize exactly where you are and exactly where you are going. Everything seems new and alive and you can't help but smile.
I just experienced my moment of clarity this morning. For the past few months or even years I have been walking in a fog. I didn't understand why I was facing the challenges that I am and I didn't have a clue where my life was taking me or where I should be going. I felt lost and alone even when I was in a crowded room. I had moments when it seemed that I could see things on the edges of my vision but they were still cloudy and I couldn't see how they fit into my life. I tried to grasp onto them and to find comfort from them but they would slowly fade back into the fog...lost.
Today, my life has opened up before me and I can see where I am going. I can see what I need to do and where I need to go. I have a reason for waking up each morning, getting dressed, and going to work. The valley before me is green with beautiful wild flowers all kissed with the morning dew. The answers haven't all been revealed; I still don't know what is on the other side of my green valley. But, I can see the path that winds its way down the hill and across to the other side.
I feel at peace.
I just experienced my moment of clarity this morning. For the past few months or even years I have been walking in a fog. I didn't understand why I was facing the challenges that I am and I didn't have a clue where my life was taking me or where I should be going. I felt lost and alone even when I was in a crowded room. I had moments when it seemed that I could see things on the edges of my vision but they were still cloudy and I couldn't see how they fit into my life. I tried to grasp onto them and to find comfort from them but they would slowly fade back into the fog...lost.
Today, my life has opened up before me and I can see where I am going. I can see what I need to do and where I need to go. I have a reason for waking up each morning, getting dressed, and going to work. The valley before me is green with beautiful wild flowers all kissed with the morning dew. The answers haven't all been revealed; I still don't know what is on the other side of my green valley. But, I can see the path that winds its way down the hill and across to the other side.
I feel at peace.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
More about the Diet
I didn't get my weekly weight in posted this past Saturday but it was 281.8.
I knew that I wasn't going to be loosing that week so I wasn't overly disappointed. I had too much on my plate last week to start my new diet so I started it this week. I am finding that it is a bit more difficult than I had thought it was going to be; but to be honest I was kind of expecting that too. I have done fairly well this week but I have slipped up a couple of times. Oddly enough though, I don't feel bad about those slip ups like I normally would. I just keep picking myself back up and trying again and that is truly a great feeling. I just pray that I can keep it up.
As for the diet itself I will give you a very brief overview. There are three basic rules that I have to follow:
1 - Every time I sit down to eat I have to eat at least on serving of protein
2 - I limit my carbs to no more than 2 serving per meal
3 - For each serving of carbs I eat, I have to eat a serving of protein
There is a bit more to it that this, but this is the basic idea.
I guess we will see how well I am doing on Saturday morning.
I knew that I wasn't going to be loosing that week so I wasn't overly disappointed. I had too much on my plate last week to start my new diet so I started it this week. I am finding that it is a bit more difficult than I had thought it was going to be; but to be honest I was kind of expecting that too. I have done fairly well this week but I have slipped up a couple of times. Oddly enough though, I don't feel bad about those slip ups like I normally would. I just keep picking myself back up and trying again and that is truly a great feeling. I just pray that I can keep it up.
As for the diet itself I will give you a very brief overview. There are three basic rules that I have to follow:
1 - Every time I sit down to eat I have to eat at least on serving of protein
2 - I limit my carbs to no more than 2 serving per meal
3 - For each serving of carbs I eat, I have to eat a serving of protein
There is a bit more to it that this, but this is the basic idea.
I guess we will see how well I am doing on Saturday morning.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Is that a glimmer of TRUE hope?
Today's Weigh In: 282
I haven't ever lost my motivation for loosing weight; I just didn't know how to do it. There have been diets in the past that I have tried and I have lost weight on them but I had to stick to them religiously. The problem is that I couldn't keep them up. I would stick to them for a couple of weeks and then I would fall of the wagon. I thought that this was a problem with me and that my motivation and willpower just weren't strong enough, but I have recently found some information on another blog that pointed me in a direction that I have extremely high hopes for.
When I was diagnosed with PCOS my doctor said "loose weight and it will get better." My fertility specialist gave me a list of 5 diets to try and then said if they didn't work we could look at weight loss surgery. I tried the diets and failed and them. I don't want to do weight loss surgery, nor can I afford it so I have still been plugging along on my own. My primary care physician diagnosed me with Insulin Resistance and Metabolic Syndrome a few years ago. She put me on Actos and said "loose weight and it will get better." She gave me no guidance what so ever in regards as to how to loose the weight. It seems like all of my doctors agree that it is a problem with me and my willpower. They don't think I am trying hard enough. Heck, I didn't think I was trying hard enough.
The information that I got from this blog has led me to believe that maybe the problem isn't just me after all. Maybe there is more to it than that. I looked into the diet she mentioned her doctor gave her and I found a much more detailed version of it in a book called "The Insulin-Resistance Diet" by Cheryle R Heart, MD and Mary Kay Grossman, RD. This book actually explains why my brain may have been calling off those previous diets with cravings so intense that I felt I had not choice but to indulge. What I love the most about this diet is that (at least on paper) it looks really easy to follow and it doesn't seem like it is going to really feel like I am on a diet at all.
I'll keep you posted as to how it goes. With any luck this new way of eating will finally help me loose this weight. I have been overweight my entire life. I've never been able to go shopping a the mall for clothes. I have never been able to walk into any store I wanted and try on what ever I thought was cute. I have never been able to let myself think that I may be able to have a child someday...I may say it, but I never let myself actually believe it. You have no idea how great it feels to finally have some hope. I just pray that this works.
I haven't ever lost my motivation for loosing weight; I just didn't know how to do it. There have been diets in the past that I have tried and I have lost weight on them but I had to stick to them religiously. The problem is that I couldn't keep them up. I would stick to them for a couple of weeks and then I would fall of the wagon. I thought that this was a problem with me and that my motivation and willpower just weren't strong enough, but I have recently found some information on another blog that pointed me in a direction that I have extremely high hopes for.
When I was diagnosed with PCOS my doctor said "loose weight and it will get better." My fertility specialist gave me a list of 5 diets to try and then said if they didn't work we could look at weight loss surgery. I tried the diets and failed and them. I don't want to do weight loss surgery, nor can I afford it so I have still been plugging along on my own. My primary care physician diagnosed me with Insulin Resistance and Metabolic Syndrome a few years ago. She put me on Actos and said "loose weight and it will get better." She gave me no guidance what so ever in regards as to how to loose the weight. It seems like all of my doctors agree that it is a problem with me and my willpower. They don't think I am trying hard enough. Heck, I didn't think I was trying hard enough.
The information that I got from this blog has led me to believe that maybe the problem isn't just me after all. Maybe there is more to it than that. I looked into the diet she mentioned her doctor gave her and I found a much more detailed version of it in a book called "The Insulin-Resistance Diet" by Cheryle R Heart, MD and Mary Kay Grossman, RD. This book actually explains why my brain may have been calling off those previous diets with cravings so intense that I felt I had not choice but to indulge. What I love the most about this diet is that (at least on paper) it looks really easy to follow and it doesn't seem like it is going to really feel like I am on a diet at all.
I'll keep you posted as to how it goes. With any luck this new way of eating will finally help me loose this weight. I have been overweight my entire life. I've never been able to go shopping a the mall for clothes. I have never been able to walk into any store I wanted and try on what ever I thought was cute. I have never been able to let myself think that I may be able to have a child someday...I may say it, but I never let myself actually believe it. You have no idea how great it feels to finally have some hope. I just pray that this works.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Starting Over.....Again
And it wasn't even Thanksgiving! I gained 5 pounds this last weekend. I am right back to where I was when I posted my "fat pics." I was doing so well there for a few days.
So, I'm starting over once again. At least it isn't taking me as long to pick myself back up between trys as it used to. I used to take a few months off after falling of the wagon. This time, it only lasted a few days and now I am trying again.
I don't need chocolate...I need a baby....I don't need chocolate...I need a baby...I don't need chocolate...
So, I'm starting over once again. At least it isn't taking me as long to pick myself back up between trys as it used to. I used to take a few months off after falling of the wagon. This time, it only lasted a few days and now I am trying again.
I don't need chocolate...I need a baby....I don't need chocolate...I need a baby...I don't need chocolate...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
The Defective Daughter-in-Law
Father's Day isn't usually quite as bad as Mother's Day for me, but it is still hard. I just feel like I am letting my husband down. I can't help him conceive a child and that breaks my heart. Father's Day just reminds me of what I can't give him. I almost made it through this Father's Day unscathed...almost.
We spent Father's Day with my hubby's mom and dad. Part of the family came over for dinner and the rest came over for desert. After the presents had been opened and everyone was just sitting around, the conversation turned to baby names. My SIL is pregnant and everyone is excited, including me. I was perfectly content with the conversation...no problems at all, until someone mentioned the name Sarah. Everyone knows that my hubby and I have have always said that we were going to name our first girl Sarah (we claimed this name even before we were married), and so as a courtesy to us no one has taken that name. My SIL said that she really liked the name for a girl, but she knew that the name was "reserved." Then it happened. My MIL turned to my hubby and said "You had better get working on it or else you are going to loose your opportunity on the name"...or something to that effect...all I remember is that with those words my world came crashing down around me. I stood up and got out of there as fast as I could before they could see the tears spilling down my cheeks.
She made it sound like we haven't even been trying; like it is our choice that we haven't had children yet. It probably wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't know that she knows perfectly well what we are going through. It made me feel like she sees me as a failure to the family. All of the other women, including both of my BIL's exes, have produced children. Everyone has been able to pass on the family genes accept for my hubby...and it is all my fault.
I know that she doesn't really feel this way; at least I don't think she does. I also know that it wasn't her intention to crush me like that, especially in front of the entire family. But that doesn't make the pain go away.
We spent Father's Day with my hubby's mom and dad. Part of the family came over for dinner and the rest came over for desert. After the presents had been opened and everyone was just sitting around, the conversation turned to baby names. My SIL is pregnant and everyone is excited, including me. I was perfectly content with the conversation...no problems at all, until someone mentioned the name Sarah. Everyone knows that my hubby and I have have always said that we were going to name our first girl Sarah (we claimed this name even before we were married), and so as a courtesy to us no one has taken that name. My SIL said that she really liked the name for a girl, but she knew that the name was "reserved." Then it happened. My MIL turned to my hubby and said "You had better get working on it or else you are going to loose your opportunity on the name"...or something to that effect...all I remember is that with those words my world came crashing down around me. I stood up and got out of there as fast as I could before they could see the tears spilling down my cheeks.
She made it sound like we haven't even been trying; like it is our choice that we haven't had children yet. It probably wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't know that she knows perfectly well what we are going through. It made me feel like she sees me as a failure to the family. All of the other women, including both of my BIL's exes, have produced children. Everyone has been able to pass on the family genes accept for my hubby...and it is all my fault.
I know that she doesn't really feel this way; at least I don't think she does. I also know that it wasn't her intention to crush me like that, especially in front of the entire family. But that doesn't make the pain go away.
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