Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Year...A New Me

Every year it seems that I make resolutions along with everyone else that involve loosing weight or getting out of debt, or having children by the end of the year, etc. etc. etc. This year I decided to look deep down inside and come up with a resolution that actually means something. I want to achieve something that matters eternally...something that I can take with me after I am done here on earth.

Once I started looking inside myself, I was shocked at what I found. I found that I have absolutely no self respect, no self worth, and no self confidence. To be honest, I don't know if I have ever had any of these things; if I have I surely don't remember when it was. I realized that I can't expect anyone else to respect, love, or find me of worth if I don't have these feelings for myself. So, it turns out that my resolution for 2010 will be the hardest challenge (or mountain) that I have ever attempted.

In order to climb this extremely large mountain, I have broken up my life into 6 pieces: Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, Work, School, and Home. Each month I will set a goal that involves each of these aspects of my life; all with the specific purpose of helping me develop love, respect, and confidence in myself. There will be no goals of weight loss this year; no goals of sizes reduced. If there is one thing that I have learned in my life so far, it is that tomorrow really never does come. I can't keep telling myself that I will love myself once I have lost weight, or once I have succeeded in becoming a mother. I need to embrace today, and make the most of it.

So, here are my goals for January...

Physical: I will take my prescribed medications every day. It is time that I start taking my health seriously and make living a priority.

Emotional: I will make one decision each day that is based on my own needs or wants rather than always putting my desires on the back burner. My opinions are valid and if I truly respect myself, I will acknowledge my opinions instead of always squashing them.

Spiritual: I will attend all of my church meetings during the month of January. If I am out of town, I will find a church in that area and attend. I can't expect my spirit to be fed if I am not taking it to the feast.

Work: I will put in a bigger effort to complete all of my tasks each day. I may not like my job all that much but I always feel better about myself when I know that I have put forth my very best effort even if the task is as mundane as filing.

School: I will get all of my assignments done on time and strive to get full credit. Once again, I always feel better when I know that I have done my best work. I also feel that gaining as much knowledge as I can will be a good investment in myself.

Home: I will get the kitchen completely clean and keep it that way by spot cleaning each day. I can be a good housekeeper and I am fully capable of taking care of my home. I just need to prove it to myself instead of telling myself that it is impossible.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Changing Dreams

When I was in high school, teachers regularly asked where we wanted to be in five or ten years. When asked, I would get an image of a husband and two or three children. I would then imagine adopting one or two more children to round off my family.

This image has been one that I have played in my mind time and time again over the years. When I was getting married I discussed this with my husband to be and I was excited to hear that he had wanted to adopt as well. We decided that we would work toward this ideal of having a couple first and then adopting.

As the years have past and those two children haven't entered our lives, we have spoken on and off about moving forward with our adoption plans. I feel like it is something that we should do but I have been hesitating and I didn't quite know why.

I have been following Ashley's blog for the past six months or so and it is through her that I realized what my problem was. By entertaining this dream of my perfect family I have come to think of adoption as my ending. I have never thought of it as a last means option. But, thinking of it as an ending has resulted in the same thing. When I think of adopting, deep down I am telling myself that I will never be able to carry a child and I'm not quite ready to give that up yet.

Ashley adopted a beautiful little girl a couple of years ago and now she is pregnant. She didn't give up; she just did what she felt was right to do for her family. Reading her blog has helped me begin to rework my thinking. I am beginning to realize that there is a plan for me and my family. I may not get my family in the same way that I have always dreamed about, but I do know that I will get my family as long as I follow the promptings of the spirit and do what I am told. Adoption can play a major part in my life and it doesn't have to be my ending.

Thank you Ashley for sharing your story.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

We are All Mothers

Surprisingly enough, that last post really helped me get a grip. The act of writing everything down solidified everything. It made it more real which helped me accept it and move on. Before that it was just a bunch of emotions running through my head making me feel like I was going crazy.

With that all out of my system, I want to dedicate my next few entries to some people who have really helped me a lot over the past year. We all have our own reasons for putting our blogs out here for everyone to see, but I don't think any of us truly understand the impact that our words can have on the people who read them. There have been many times where I have logged on, feeling so alone, and have found comfort from others who are traveling the same roads as I.

There once was a time when the phrase "we are all mothers" brought me a significant amount of pain. It was a phrase that was said to me a few different times. Each time, it was said in a manor that was meant to bring me comfort but it failed greatly. I was being told that I had been given the opportunity to mother my nieces and nephews and the children of others. The phrase stung because as much as I love my nieces and nephews it just isn't the same thing as having a child of my own.

Through the large heart of a faithful woman (Who's blog happens to be titled "We Are All Mothers") this phrase has started to bring me comfort. Ever since I found her blog Christine's words have brought me a wealth of knowledge and comfort. In some ways you could say that she has become a "mother figure" for me. Through her words she has lifted me up multiple times without even knowing it.

Now, I know that having an opportunity to "mother" me isn't quite what she is looking for in her life. But, the knowledge I have gained from her has made me realize that I can't take for granted those opportunities I have been given to mother the children of others.

The phrase "we are all mothers" still doesn't ease the pain of not having a child of my own; but it stands for something now. It brings to light the other blessings and responsibilities I have been given.

Thank you Christine.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Stress and Fear

My hubby lost his job six months ago. There have been a couple of contracts he has gotten but nothing solid. He currently has two contracted jobs that he is doing right now. One is only giving him about 5 to 10 hours a week and the other one ends in a couple of weeks. The unemployment is gone. When this contract ends, I don't know what we are going to do. We aren't making ends meet as it is.

We can't afford the condo anymore; the payments are too high. I want to put it on the market. I know that it can take up to a year or more in order to get it to sell but at least I would feel like we were doing something. The hubby doesn't want to sell it; he says that it doesn't feel right. We also have some damage in one of the bathrooms that needs to be repaired before we could sell, and we don't have the money to fix that either. My home no longer brings me comfort and peace when I walk in the door; it just reminds me of all the things that aren't right in my life right now.

Going along with the financial situation, we have had to borrow some money from my in-laws to help pay the bills. This in and of itself causes more problems than good for all the obvious reasons. I hated the idea before we borrowed and I still hate the idea. To make matters worse, I just found out that they borrowed the money against their house in order to lend it to us. I want to throw up just thinking about it. I can't stand the fact that I am living on borrowed money from someone that didn't have the money to give it in the first place. It makes me feel dirty.

At work, there used to be two of us doing the same job. It was nice because when one of us started to get too busy the other would step in and help out. The other girl had a baby a few months ago and they gave her the option of working part time when she came back from maternity leave. I don't begrudge her the opportunity that she has to stay home with her baby. But, the increase it has placed on my workload is getting harder and harder for me to handle. She doesn't see it either. She comes in and acts like it isn't a big deal. In addition, she has picked up the attitude that she is the only one who works. She acts like all I do is sit around while she slaves away. I used to love my job...I don't anymore.

I mentioned in my last post that my hubby was diagnosed with diabetes and that he has a diabetic ulcer on the bottom of his foot. I am the sole person responsible for changing the bandages twice a day and making sure that it remains clean and continues to heal. As of right now, it is doing great. But, I can't help but worry about what happens if I do something wrong. If it stops healing or gets infected again then it is my fault. It is my responsibility.

My house work has gotten completely out of control. My hubby has always helped me out a ton. He took care of the dishes and helped out with the clutter control. He used to do laundry for me when I needed him to and he was the one that cooked dinner almost every night. With his foot issue, he has been put out of commission. He isn't allowed to put weight on his foot which means everything that he used to help me with is now back on my shoulders. The dishes are stacking up and the laundry is severely behind. Something smells in the kitchen. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to take care of everything...yet it is my responsibility.

I am also trying to finally finish up my degree. I was supposed to graduate in May with my Bachelors degree. I was able to take a class off because of my hubby's illness but I had to go back tonight. If I didn't go back then I would have to pay back my student loans for the semester because I wouldn't have had enough completed credit hours to qualify for the loan. All my break succeeded in doing was bumping me from a spring graduation to a fall one. At this rate I don't know if I am going to make it graduation. I can't concentrate on my classes with everything else going on.

Then there is the whole IF thing. This stress has been a constant companion for years. I know that I should be grateful to not have a child while I am going through all of this other stuff; but I can't seem to find it in my heart to be grateful. I have wanted a child to hold in my arms for so long that my arms ache with the emptiness. No matter how hard I try to remain positive, I can't help the tears from falling sometimes. I can't make the pain go away.

With everything that I am trying to deal with all at the same time, I find myself more and more tired every day. I could probably sleep for 24 hours straight and still wake up exhausted. More and more often I find myself staring at a blank wall because my brain just can't handle anything else. I have thought about going to the doctor and seeing if there is something that they can give me just to help me cope while all of this stuff sorts itself out. I know that it will all sort out and that everything will be okay...but trying to get there is the hard part. Sometimes I think that if I just had a little bit of help I can make it. This is where my greatest fear of all comes in to play though. We looked into adoption a while back and one of the questions that keeps floating before my eyes is "do you have any history of mental illness?" I am petrified that if I can't cope with all of this stress on my own, that they will deam me as mentally ill, and that I will loose all chance of ever being able to adopt. If I can't adopt, then I will probably never be a mother. And if I can't ever be a mother.........I just can't take that chance....I can't seal my fate like that.