Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I cut my hair...

A couple of years ago I had my hair cut to just above my shoulders. When I did this, I made a commitment to myself that I was not going to cut it again until I was pregnant. I told myself that as soon as I hit 200 pounds, I would make an appointment with my RE and we would start treatments again.

I have fought with these goals for the entire 2 years and I am no closer to getting there than I was then. I know that I posted my "fat pics" a couple of weeks ago and said that I was ready to try again...that lasted a whole 2 days before I fell off the wagon and have yet to get back up. It isn't that I don't have the motivation; I have plenty. I want to loose the weight and I want to have a baby more than anything else, so why is this so hard?

I think I have finally found that answer. I am scared. I have been over weight my entire life. I don't know any other way of living. After seven years of marriage with it being just the two of us, what is it going to be like having a child to care for? In some ways, I have just become so comfortable with my life being this way that the idea of it changing scares me. I know that my life can be so much better and that I will find much more fulfilment if I move forward but there is still that fear in the back of my mind that is holding me back.

I was looking in the mirror and I saw my hair as a symbol of that fear. It reminded me of how long I have been letting fear rule my life. I have been letting fear rule my life much longer than those 2 years but this was still just a physical measure of my failure to take control of my life. So...I cut it off. My hair once again falls to just above my shoulders. It is about time that I start writing my own story. And write it I will...one page at a time.

5 comments:

womb for improvement said...

I feel for you. And I wish I had the answer, I don't. best of luck.

organize-n-mama said...

Hello We need pictures!!!!!

the misfit said...

agree - want to see hair!

Secret D said...

It is difficult. You have two battles to fight and I wish you well, I really do.

P.S. Would also love to see the hair.

Bee Bee said...

I would provide you with pictures, but honestly it isn't anything special. It is just a standered old bob that falls to my shoulders. I would also like to remain faceless...at least for now. There is only one person that I actually know who reads this blog...okay two if you could the hubby. I tend to say things here that I would never be able to say out loud, and if someone that I know (other than those two) were to find this blog...I don't want them to know that it is mine.