Saturday, May 28, 2011

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Definition of Being Alone

I've only ever had one person in my life that I could honestly tell everything without having to sensor myself or think twice before opening my mouth.  I knew that he wouldn't judge me and that he would listen with a loving heart.  He would help hold me up when I was weak.  I could literally tell him anything, no matter how bad of a person those things may have made me seem and he wouldn't hold it against me.  He would just be there for me and help me work through those challenges and problems I was facing.

Lately I have been struggling with a few things...and I mean really struggling.  I actually found myself calling his name last night; reaching out for that lifeline that I so desperately need...but he wasn't there.  He never will be there again.  It's been over a year and I still miss him more than ever sometimes.  Making it even worse is that I can almost guarantee that if he WERE here...I wouldn't be struggling with these specific issues in the first place.

Being alone just really sucks!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hair Today...Bald Tomorrow

I know that it may sound vain, but my hair loss has really started to get to me.  It has been getting increasingly worse over the past few months and I am afraid that I am not going to have any left within the next year if I don't get it slowed down.  So, I finally broke down and talked to my doctor about it.  She actually said that she noticed a difference since I saw her last...only three weeks before.

We came up with a timid plan on how to get the hair loss to stop.  From the research I have done, I have found that I may even be able to get some regrowth.  The first step is for me to get back on my meds.  I am back on track with them and doing my very best not to miss any.  It seems like I usually do really well for a week or two and then I fall off the wagon and the next thing I know it is months later and I haven't taken a single dose.  I know that this isn't good for me and that I need to start really taking some initiative in this area.  I still haven't really figured out how I am going to prevent the cycle from repeating itself yet, but I hope to figure something out before it does.

The second step is that she is increasing my Metformin to the maximum dosage.  I'm not really looking forward to this part.  This medication really upsets my stomach for at least a couple of weeks each time that I get back on track with it and that was with the lower dose.  I think I am in for some major tummy troubles for the next little while.  I guess all I can do is warn everyone around me to stay out of my way when I stand up and run and ask them to pardon my grumpiness as I try to get through it.  Sometimes I think that the meds they give us that are supposed to make us better, are really worse than the original problem.

The third step is that she is sending me to a dermatologist.  A dermatologist is probably the last person I would have thought of when talking about hair loss.  I'm not sure why, but I just never made that kind of connection.  They are going to do a blood panel tomorrow to check for any things that would give them an indication of what is causing the majority of the hair loss and then my appointment with dermatology is in about 5 weeks (that is how far they are booked out).

Overall, I just really hope they are able to pin down the cause and help me out.  The idea of loosing all of my hair really scares me.  My hair used to be the only part of my outward appearance that I could honestly say looked pretty, now I don't even have that.

Monday, May 16, 2011

No More Waiting...

I have spent my entire life letting other people save me, protect me, and take care of me.  I lived with my mom until after I was 19.  When I left her home I moved in with my brother for a few months. Seeking some freedom I then moved into my own apartment...epic fail.  I got involved in stuff that I had no business getting involved with.  I wasn't smart with my money and immediately got behind on my bills and dropped out of college.  As the going started to get tough and I was beginning to start wondering what I was going to do I met Wayne.  He swept into my life and he made everything better.  We still had problems on and off throughout our marriage.  There were money issues and life challenges that we faced but he always held me up and helped me through.

After Wayne passed away, I moved up to the Layton area to be close to his family.  Even though I got an apartment of my own, I still relied on them a lot to help get me through emotionally.  His parents even helped some financially.  Even though I felt like I had suddenly found myself out in the world alone, I wasn't.  My family was still supporting me, protecting me, and taking care of me.

Then, I moved out here to Indiana.  I suddenly didn't have anyone that I could lean on other than myself.  Sure, I can call family and they will still bail me out of trouble if I need them too.  But, more than ever before, I am having to depend on myself.  I have to stand on my own two feet.  I came to the realization this weekend that I have been, not so much rebelling against this fact, but I haven't been doing it either.  Instead of growing and learning how to take care of myself, I have been sitting here waiting for someone to come and take care of me.  I have been doing the basic things needed for survival, but as much as I have talked about the Butterfly Project and other things, in reality I have failed those things because I was waiting for someone to come along that would help me.  I didn't/don't know how to do it on my own.  I've never before had to take care of myself.  I guess it is about time that I put on my big girl pants and learned...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

My Morning Walk

The Pond at Coxhall Gardens in Carmel, IN

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Glimmers of a Plan

There has been a lot going through my mind lately.  So much that I haven't really known where to even start in regards to trying to figure everything out.  Last night I tossed and turned all night long.  I guess in a way it was my brain's way of telling me that it was time.  So, when I woke up at 4 in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep, I let my mind wander through all of the problems and issues and wouldn't you know...I found a place to start.

Lately, I have been considering moving back to Utah...a lot.  I miss my family so much that it hurts sometimes.  I feel like I am missing out on all the wonderful things going on in their lives.  I told everyone that I would be making my decision in July, but I think everyone kind of suspects that the decision has already been made.  I guess in some ways, I kind of thought the decision had been made as well, I just didn't want to announce anything.

I am glad that I followed my instinct not to make any announcements because I finally got the answer to my prayers this morning and it isn't what I was planning on.  I will be staying in Indiana for a while longer.  There is a reason why I have been separated from my family for this time in my life.  This is a time that has been set aside for me to learn some very valuable lessons in life.  I have been fighting these lessons, just waiting for the chance to run back home.  I need to learn how to embrace these challenges and lessons.  Only then will I truly be ready to go back. And if I have learned the lessons properly I won't actually be running anymore, I will be returning with a purpose and a plan.

With the decision made to stay here in Indiana, all of  my problems and issues have started to lay themselves out before me.  I can actually see where they are all connected and how working on the first will automatically start helping with the second and so on.  I haven't been able to see this pattern before and now that I have a plan is starting to take form.  And wouldn't you know...it all still fits in with my discarded Butterfly Project.  I started that project with good intentions but my follow through was severely lacking and the project fell by the wayside and I regressed right back to where I was when I started.

It is time to pick myself back up for real this time and get moving again.  The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I get to go back to Utah.  And yes...I do realize that that sentence in and of itself proves that I'm not ready to go back yet and that I have a lot of work to do.