Monday, January 25, 2010

Letting Go and Moving On

I have been working on this post for over a week...it is a hard one. Mostly because I am conflicted. I feel at peace but at the same time I also feel a bitter sting.

I finally spoke with my hubby about being on different pages. He said that he didn't think we really were on different pages; rather I just wasn't listening to him when he did talk. So, I listened to him. I found that we are in fact on different pages, but that it is mostly my fault because I wasn't listening to him. I was moving forward with decisions regarding our lives and our family when he wasn't ready. I had (have) a timeline that I was (am) obsessed over and I let that take control.

During our conversation, I found out that he isn't (we aren't) ready to have children right now. We were ready 8 years ago but when it didn't happen we made some decisions that placed us in a position where having children right now would be extremely impractical. When he really made me look at our situation, I knew that he was right. We really do need to focus on some other areas of our lives before we can go back to trying for children. We have decided that right now we need to focus our attention on improving our health and our financial situation.

So, for the time being we are no longer trying to have or adopt children. This isn't to say that we aren't going to try again down the road. I know that there are children out there for us. I don't know when or how they will come into our family but I do know that they are out there...somewhere.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Different Pages

There have often been times during my marriage (8 years on March 1st) where I have realized that my husband and I have been on different pages. Sometimes I need to slow down and let him catch up, and other times I need to speed up to catch him. We have never been more than a couple of pages away from each other though; getting back on the same page didn't take too much effort.

For the past couple of weeks though, I have been having a very difficult time finding him in our book. I have tried talking to him and I get silence. I push harder and I get the classic "I just don't know" or the even more classic "I need to think about it." I've been getting the feeling that I am the only one actually trying to work on finding a way out of our financial situation and that I am the only one actually thinking about how we are going to start our family and when.

This morning on our way to work (we are currently carpooling) I tried again. This morning I found out that we aren't just pages away from each other, we are chapters away from each other. I am beginning to wonder if we are even in the same book anymore. Either way, whether it is chapters or books, I have apparently sped past him and I am way ahead. I think he may have even started reading backwards, which could explain how we ended up so far apart.

He seems to think that everything is just going to miraculously fix itself and work out. I honestly think he is just waiting for a rich person to leave their child on our door step with the deed to a mansion and a couple of million dollars in the baby's bassinet with a note asking us to be good parents. It's nice to dream but we need to face reality. We got ourselves into this mess and we are the ones that are going to have to get ourselves out. We can just sit on our butts waiting for someone else to come dig us out.

What frustrates me most is that he seems to think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting another 5 or 10 years before we even consider trying to help ourselves if the miracle hasn't happened yet. I have been waiting almost 8 years for the miracle and I know that it isn't coming. I can't wait another 5 or 10 years; I need to take action now or I know that I am never going to be a mother. Only, I can't do it by myself and at this point, I don't know if my husband and I are ever going to be on the same page again. Maybe it is time that I just let go of my dreams...

Friday, January 15, 2010

Foot in Mouth

Have you ever said something that you look back on and totally regret? I am normally someone who thinks everything through before I speak and this is usually sufficient in keeping me out of trouble. But, every once in a while, this thinking everything through tends to get me into major trouble. I say major trouble for two reasons. The first is that I tend to over think things, especially when a situation is highly emotional. Second because I always end up doing it in writing. When a flub is made verbally you can immediately apologize and rectify the mishap, but when it is in writing there is no going back.

My latest foot in mouth episode came while I was trying to help a friend feel better. I kept running her situation through my mind and I felt so bad. I felt helpless but I wanted to give her some sort of comfort. I ended up sending a message to her. While I wrote it, I could only think of trying to lend her a bit of my faith and hope. After I hit the send button I realized a big mistake....the story itself I used probably did the exact opposite of what I had wanted it to. It was too late; I had already hit send. We both would have been better off if I had just kept my mouth shut and just prayed for her.

I don't know if she reads my blog anymore or if she has burned me off of her list, but just in case I will say now that I am more sorry for what I said that you will ever know. I only wanted to try and make you feel better but I realize that my message probably made it so much worse especially considering the situation. It would seem that even someone who has suffered the brunt of many unthoughtful comments can be the unthoughtful person who makes those comments. I hope I am never that unthoughtful person again.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Blessings

On Christmas Day I decided to go through our budget and see what we would need to payoff if I were to stay home and raise a family. On Christmas Day I found out that we have managed to get ourselves into so much debt that we will be well beyond our child raising years by the time we can pay off those debts and save enough for an adoption. On Christmas Day my heart broke.

I spent the next week working through the emotions involved with realizing my dreams of having children are never going to happen. I went through the whole grieving process. I was angry with myself for letting this happen. I cried for each of the children I will never have. In the end, I felt at peace. I found peace in the knowledge that the Lord never gives us challenges that we are incapable of handling. If giving up my children is a sacrifice that I am being asked to make, then I will do it with my head held high and with a prayer of gratitude in my heart for all of the blessings that I have been given and will continue to receive.

On New Years Eve I received a text message stating that my newest nephew was born. I was surprised that I didn't feel any pangs of regret; I just kind of felt indifferent actually. We went to the hospital that night to see him. In the past I have always sat in the background until the baby is place in my arms by someone in the family who wants a picture of the little one with their aunt. Once the baby was in my arms I would do everything I could to avoid looking down into those little eyes. This time I walked into the hospital room and went straight to the baby. I wasn't going to let this get to me anymore.

When it came my turn to hold him I readily opened my arms and looked down into his precious little face. In that moment it would seem that he spoke to me. He reminded me of a promise that I was given many years ago in a blessing.

I remembered that I was promised children and so was my husband. We were both promised this long before we even met. I also know that the Lord never backs down on a promise. The promise he gave us was not given unconditionally, and neither my husband or I have managed to fulfill our ends of the deal. But, it isn't too late for us to rectify our errors and if we do I know that we will received our promised gift. I don't know how and I don't know when; but I do know that it will happen.