Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Friends

I recently stumbled across a very popular networking website.  I decided to sign up for fun and see if I could find any of my old friends that I have since lost touch with.  I immediately started finding people and requesting that they authorize me as their "friend."As I look at the things that they have written on the site and take a peak at their posted pictures, I have found myself contemplating what makes a true friend.  

When I was in high school I had many acquaintances and a few people that I considered to be friends.  Then graduation came and went and along with it went many of those that I had counted among my friends.  I only ended up keeping in touch with one...and that relationship has grown very distant as time goes on.  I eventually came to think that these friends weren't really friends at all, but just more acquaintances that I knew a little bit better than the others.

Today I have decided that I sold them short by listing them among those who were not my closest friends.  There is one friend in particular that has accepted my friendship on the above referenced website.  While I have yet to actually converse with her, the memories are flooding back.  I have always remembered high school as the worst years of my life; but today I am laughing and remembering all of the fun that we used to have.  We may have lost touch when we graduated, but now I know that she made my life a bit easier during those rough years in my life...and that is what makes her one of my best friends, and she will remain one of my best friends for the rest of our lives whether we ever speak again or not.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Not a Blue Christmas, but a Very White One

I made it through Christmas with only one or two pangs of the Blues. For the most part I think that I am doing fairly well. I have gotten a couple of ideas for my New Years Resolutions and if I can stick to them then maybe next Christmas will be brighter.

We have been getting quite a bit of snow lately and it has been so cold that it has been accumulating. Yesterday morning dawned with snow flocked trees and untouched snowy lawns. The perfect setting for sitting by the Christmas tree and opening presents. It was a perfect Christmas day until last night. We were all gathered at my SILs house watching a movie as we digested our dinner, when we started hearing an odd noise. It was rain being pounded against the window. The rain quickly turned to hail and then to snow. We had nearly white out conditions for a couple of hours. We did make it back home but I was sure glad that I wasn't the one driving.

Talk about dreaming of a white Christmas....it turned out to be more of a nightmare. But on the bright side, it sure was pretty again this morning...especially when I got to call in and say that I was snowed in and couldn't get to work. They had to use backhoes to clear the streets out by my house.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

One week at a time...

Of my last two classes, I failed one and I came as close to failing the other as you can without actually doing it.  I then took a small break to sort out this mess that I have gotten myself into. I started my latest class last week and instead of starting the class like I usually do by telling myself that I am going to get an A and accept nothing else, I told myself that I am going to take this class one week at a time.  I made a goal for myself to get all of my assignments done that week...and I did it!  So far I am on track to meeting this weeks goal.  All of the stress and anxiety that I have been feeling for the past year regarding school seems to finally be fading into something much more manageable.  I think that I may have finally stumbled across my salvation and that maybe I have finally found the key to getting off of this emotional roller coaster that I have been on.

I already know that in order to give myself a chance at conceiving a child, I am first going to have to loose some major weight.  I have been looking at the weight issue as the first stepping stone and I have succeeded in nothing.  In a similar fashion to how I am now handling school, I am going to break down this stepping stone of mine into much smaller and easier to handle pieces.  Instead of looking at loosing 150 pounds, I am going to first try to loose 5 pounds.  After I loose that 5 pounds I will set another goal for myself.  

This is all trial and error, but I think that I have finally come to terms with that fact that life itself is all trial and error.  As we go through life we all make mistakes.  We learn from those mistakes and then we make progress.  I know that I have many more mistakes ahead of me, but I also know that I will experience many good and wonderful things along the way as well.

Here's to leaving my "down" on my way to an "up"....and let me stay up for a while...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Blue Christmas?

It may seem like it but I really haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I have had many ups and down over the past month or so. Right now I seem to be in the middle of a down.

My hubby and I are celebrating our 8th Christmas together. While we weren't married for that first Christmas, it still marks another Christmas with the present I want most of all not "under the tree." I fill each Christmas by doing Sub-4-Santa and buying gifts for me nieces and nephews that are way too expensive and over the top....trying to make up for the emptiness that I feel knowing that I may never have my own children to spoil on Christmas morning.

I have been really trying not to do the "poor me" thing, but it becomes harder and harder as each Christmas passes.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Mother-In-Law

I happen to love my mother-in-law a ton. I know that most women can't say that, but I really do like her. That's not to say that she doesn't at times get on my nerves or break my heart. I don't think that she does it intentionally by any means, she's pretty much too nice for that. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.

Last night we went out for ice cream. It was my husband and I, my mother and father in law, and my sister in law with her husband and two kids. The two kids wanted to sit at a table with my husband and I and the other adults sat at another table close by. The ice cream came and everything was honky dory until my niece decided that all she wanted to do was play in her ice cream and not eat it. I even asked her if she was going to eat it or just play with it and she told me straight up that all she wanted to do was play with it. So after she had made a fairly significant mess, I started to take it away from her so that we could start cleaning it up. My mother-in-law immediately came over and told me to give it back to my niece because my niece "needed it." After about 5 seconds of having it back my mother-in-law got frustrated with my niece because she was playing with the ice cream and she took it away from her again. HELLO!!! I had just done the same thing! So now all she managed to do is teach my niece that I don't have any authority.

This is just one instance of many. When the kids were babies, if they started to cry and I tried to pick them up she would immediately take them away from me. If one of the kids gets hurt and I go to comfort them, she immediately pulls them away from me. I think that in her sub-conscious, if not in her clear conscious, she thinks that because I haven't given birth to any of my own children that I can't possibly contain an ounce of maternal instinct or know how. Forget the fact that my mom ran a day care center the entire time that I was growing up and I started helping her as soon as I was out of diapers myself. I have been witness to more first roles over, crawls, and steps that I can count. I have kissed a ton "owies" and wiped away more than my fair share of tears. I even used to help some of the older kids with their homework, and taught the younger ones their alphabet and how to read. But, obviously I have no idea how to help out with my nieces and nephews.

So, with that all said and done, I went to bed last night feeling pretty insufficient. I don't think that I will ever be able to take care of her son (my husband) exactly the way that she would prefer and I don't know if I will ever be able to give her a grandchild. Yes, she has plenty of grandchildren from her other kids but that doesn't seem to count. I know that the whole "taking care of her son" part is normal. It is great that she loves him so much that she cares whether I will look at his toes or not when he tells me that they hurt. So, I just have to remind myself that we both love the same man with all of our hearts...I guess that I just wish she would learn to love and accept me as well.