Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Defective Daughter-in-Law

Father's Day isn't usually quite as bad as Mother's Day for me, but it is still hard. I just feel like I am letting my husband down. I can't help him conceive a child and that breaks my heart. Father's Day just reminds me of what I can't give him. I almost made it through this Father's Day unscathed...almost.

We spent Father's Day with my hubby's mom and dad. Part of the family came over for dinner and the rest came over for desert. After the presents had been opened and everyone was just sitting around, the conversation turned to baby names. My SIL is pregnant and everyone is excited, including me. I was perfectly content with the problems at all, until someone mentioned the name Sarah. Everyone knows that my hubby and I have have always said that we were going to name our first girl Sarah (we claimed this name even before we were married), and so as a courtesy to us no one has taken that name. My SIL said that she really liked the name for a girl, but she knew that the name was "reserved." Then it happened. My MIL turned to my hubby and said "You had better get working on it or else you are going to loose your opportunity on the name"...or something to that effect...all I remember is that with those words my world came crashing down around me. I stood up and got out of there as fast as I could before they could see the tears spilling down my cheeks.

She made it sound like we haven't even been trying; like it is our choice that we haven't had children yet. It probably wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't know that she knows perfectly well what we are going through. It made me feel like she sees me as a failure to the family. All of the other women, including both of my BIL's exes, have produced children. Everyone has been able to pass on the family genes accept for my hubby...and it is all my fault.

I know that she doesn't really feel this way; at least I don't think she does. I also know that it wasn't her intention to crush me like that, especially in front of the entire family. But that doesn't make the pain go away.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

My New Theme Song

Everytime that I hear this song I am reminded of everything that I still have in front of me. I reminds me that I just need to keep climbing.

**Sorry, I can't get the music video to embed. Here is the link**

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I cut my hair...

A couple of years ago I had my hair cut to just above my shoulders. When I did this, I made a commitment to myself that I was not going to cut it again until I was pregnant. I told myself that as soon as I hit 200 pounds, I would make an appointment with my RE and we would start treatments again.

I have fought with these goals for the entire 2 years and I am no closer to getting there than I was then. I know that I posted my "fat pics" a couple of weeks ago and said that I was ready to try again...that lasted a whole 2 days before I fell off the wagon and have yet to get back up. It isn't that I don't have the motivation; I have plenty. I want to loose the weight and I want to have a baby more than anything else, so why is this so hard?

I think I have finally found that answer. I am scared. I have been over weight my entire life. I don't know any other way of living. After seven years of marriage with it being just the two of us, what is it going to be like having a child to care for? In some ways, I have just become so comfortable with my life being this way that the idea of it changing scares me. I know that my life can be so much better and that I will find much more fulfilment if I move forward but there is still that fear in the back of my mind that is holding me back.

I was looking in the mirror and I saw my hair as a symbol of that fear. It reminded me of how long I have been letting fear rule my life. I have been letting fear rule my life much longer than those 2 years but this was still just a physical measure of my failure to take control of my life. So...I cut it off. My hair once again falls to just above my shoulders. It is about time that I start writing my own story. And write it I page at a time.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Please don't take your children for granted

I am not a bitter IFer. I may get a tad sad when I hear yet another pregnancy announcement. I may throw myself pity parties on occasion. But I never hold a grudge against people who are able to conceive. In fact, I am genuinely happy for people who don't have to go through what I am going through in order to have children. However, I do hold a grudge against people who take these tiny miracles for granted.

I went to lunch by myself today. When I walked in I noticed a table of about 6 women who looked like they were probably old school friends or something. The majority of their plates were all empty and they were just talking. At the end of the table was a little 3 year old girl. She was sitting there quietly playing with some left over food. I ordered my food and then sat down at the table next to them. A few minutes after I sat down the little girl tried to get her mothers attention. She said "mommy" at least 5 times and her mother didn't even acknowledge that the girl had spoken. Rose (I've changed her name) proceeded to stand up on her chair, jump up and down, yelling "Mommy" at the top of her lungs. Her mother continued to ignore her. There wasn't a "shh, mommy is talking" or anything. Rose then proceeded to climb down from her seat and start walking around the restaurant. She came over to my table and said "hi" to me. She then walked around to every other table and proceeded to tell everyone her name and how old she was. She played with things on the other tables and even ate some food off of a plate that had been left by another customer.

It was a good 10 minutes before her mother even noticed that Rose wasn't at the table. Instead of getting up and trying to find her, the mother just yelled across the room and then went back to her conversation. About 3 minutes later the mother finally got up, picked Rose up and took her back to her seat. Rose proceeded trying to get her mothers attention once again by calling her name, and when her mother didn't respond (just like the time before) she got down from the table and started to walk around again. Rose walked across the restaurant, climbed up onto a bench, and cuddled up with a man sitting at the table. She started talking to him and asking him questions. He responded and tried to get the mothers attention at least once or twice. Anyone walking by would have thought that she was his. Her mother once again, hadn't even noticed that Rose had left the table. She finally noticed about another 10 minutes later and went and got Rose. She sat her at the table and said "you need to sit here or I am going to put you in a high chair...I mean it." No sooner had Rose's bottom hit the chair, Rose was up and running across the room again. Would you believe that her mother didn't notice her getting up again!?! Less than two seconds later!!! About 5 minutes later, from clear across the room, I heard Rose yell "Mommy come get me." in her high little giggly voice. No response what so ever from the mother. Then in a quieter voice laced with tears, but one that still carried across the room "Mommy PLEASE come get me." Her mom didn't budge.

At this point, I left with a tear running down my cheek. That poor little girl wanted nothing but a little bit of attention from her mother who obviously felt that her friends were more important than her own daughter.

Don't get me wrong, I know that kids can be a handful at restaurants. I've seen plenty of parents chasing kids over the years. I have seen my share of out of control kids. But seriously! If you are going out with your girl friends and you know that you are probably going to be sitting at the table for an hour plus after the meal is over, use your brain! A three year old isn't going to be able to sit there for that long with out some for of entertainment!

Any parent who actually cared would have at least brought a coloring book and some crayons for the child to play with. Any parent who actually cared would have at least acknowledged her calls by telling her that she was talking but would be happy to listen in a minute. Any parent who actually cared would have at least been paying close enough attention to know when the child left the table. Any parent who actually cared would have at least noticed when her daughter was talking to a stranger with whom she most likely would have left if he had asked her to.

Come on parents! Don't you understand what a blessing you have with your little ones? Can't you see how special they are? If you aren't prepared to give them what they need to grow up, then don't have them! There are too many of us out there who would give our lives to experience the miracle that you have received. Embrace your miracles, don't push them aside like trash.