Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dusting Myself Off

I fell off the wagon again.  I have recently awoken to the knowledge that once again I allowed myself to fall into the trap of "eat, sleep, work."  My room is a disaster, I haven't lost any weight, I have lost more hair that I care to admit to, and I have been called "sir" so many times in the past few weeks that I am beginning to really wonder...

I think the combination of PCOS, grief and stress has taken it's toll on me over the past year. My PCOS has gone into overdrive.  I was loosing my hair before but not like I am now.  I have also gotten to the point where I have to shave my beard and mustache off ever flippin' morning where before I only had to do it once or twice a week.  I look in the mirror and see someone who has aged a good 10+ years over the past 12 months.  Something has got to give; I can't keep living like this.

In an effort to pick myself up and dust myself off I gave myself a pedicure last night. Painted my toenails and everything. Then, I couldn't just let it go at that so I had to pain my fingernails too. I also found a really cute pair of sandals that I can wear to work or on the weekend. Decidedly girlie.


Tomorrow I plan to start doing my makeup again and I will get back on track with my medications. With any luck the hair loss isn't permanent and I can reverse it, otherwise I may just have to go wig shopping before too long...oh how I wish I was joking.

I really miss Wayne.  I took him for granted in a lot of ways that I am only now beginning to see.  I miss the way that I never had to dress up or do my make up in order to feel pretty or feminine when he was around.  All I had to do was look into his eyes as he looked at me and I automatically felt loved, adored, wanted...beautiful. He treated me and made me feel like a woman. No one ever called me "sir" when I was with him.