A few years ago when my nephew was being potty trained he would yell "what in the world is happening to me?" every time that he had a bowel movement on the potty. We all thought this was hilarious at the time. Once he outgrew this "phase" it was soon forgotten; but it came back to my mind this evening as I was contemplating this last week and I now sympathize with him.
Have you ever been with a group of people and you suddenly realize that you are mirroring another person's body language? You immediately uncross your arms and switch the way that your legs are crossed and secretly hope that no one noticed; only to find yourself mirroring them again minutes later. The mirroring is a subconscious act. Other subconscious acts involve phrases that we use all of the time, the way that we react to certain situations, nervous habits, etc. We generally don't notice that we do these things until someone points them out to us and this is where my nephew's plight comes in.
You have been doing something for years and you don't know how or why you do it; it just happens. Now you are aware of it and every time that you do it something clicks in your brain and you notice how odd or different it is. Sometimes you even catch yourself right before you do it but you can't stop yourself from doing it anyway. Eventually it starts to bug you because you just can't understand it and if you keep going without gaining an understanding you start to get frustrated...eventually you find yourself yelling "What in the world is happening to me?" (picture a little 3 year old who suddenly feels like his insides are comming out...yep he is going to want to know what in the world is happening to him)
I reached this level of frustration with myself this morning. The habit I have been fighting all week is that of eating small but calorie filled snacks throughout the day and not sticking to my diet. Each day I woke up this week and said that I was going to stick to the diet but each day I kept shoveling it in. I tried to fight it. I consciously knew that what I was doing was wrong and I really wanted to stick to the diet but I just couldn't make myself do it. I was so frustrated with myself because I didn't know why I couldn't get my brain to keep my hand from going to my mouth. I have finally figured it out.
It was emotional eating. I have been doing so well over the past month that this came as a really big shock. Heck, I made it all the way through a round of Provera and a full week of AF with very few temptations to break my diet...so what happened last week that put me over the edge? One of my coworkers is pregnant. She just got married 3 or 4 months ago. I didn't think that it was bothering me because I really truly am happy for her. She had some rough times in her past and gave up 2 babies for adoption. I know what it feels like to want a baby of your own that you can keep and I am glad that she will no longer have to face that emptiness in her arms.
But I guess subconsciously it has dredged up those old feelings of "when will it be my turn." I have been really trying to keep a positive attitude lately but I know that realistically the feelings won't just go away. At least now I can acknowledge them once again and work on separating them from my eating habits.