Father's Day isn't usually quite as bad as Mother's Day for me, but it is still hard. I just feel like I am letting my husband down. I can't help him conceive a child and that breaks my heart. Father's Day just reminds me of what I can't give him. I almost made it through this Father's Day unscathed...almost.
We spent Father's Day with my hubby's mom and dad. Part of the family came over for dinner and the rest came over for desert. After the presents had been opened and everyone was just sitting around, the conversation turned to baby names. My SIL is pregnant and everyone is excited, including me. I was perfectly content with the conversation...no problems at all, until someone mentioned the name Sarah. Everyone knows that my hubby and I have have always said that we were going to name our first girl Sarah (we claimed this name even before we were married), and so as a courtesy to us no one has taken that name. My SIL said that she really liked the name for a girl, but she knew that the name was "reserved." Then it happened. My MIL turned to my hubby and said "You had better get working on it or else you are going to loose your opportunity on the name"...or something to that effect...all I remember is that with those words my world came crashing down around me. I stood up and got out of there as fast as I could before they could see the tears spilling down my cheeks.
She made it sound like we haven't even been trying; like it is our choice that we haven't had children yet. It probably wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't know that she knows perfectly well what we are going through. It made me feel like she sees me as a failure to the family. All of the other women, including both of my BIL's exes, have produced children. Everyone has been able to pass on the family genes accept for my hubby...and it is all my fault.
I know that she doesn't really feel this way; at least I don't think she does. I also know that it wasn't her intention to crush me like that, especially in front of the entire family. But that doesn't make the pain go away.