Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Fork in My Road

There is no possible way for me to express what is going through my mind and my heart right now. This past week has been an extremely hard one full of heart ache, tears, and memories.

Early Tuesday morning (one week prior to our 8th anniversary) I lost the love of my life. He developed a large blood clot that became trapped in his lung and his heart was not able to keep up long enough for the E.R. doctors to do anything about it. I feel like I lost a piece of my soul that day. We had grown so close in the 8 years that we were given together. It almost felt like every breath we took was synchronized. We were perfect for each other. He made up for all of my weaknesses with his strengths. I love him more than I can express. I used to hold up a single finger and tell him that I loved him that much because that was the only way I could touch the universe; he would reply by holding up five fingers and telling me that he loved me five times more than that.

I think that during the past 8 years we began to loose site of the importance of our temple marriage. We knew that we had done the right thing and that we would be blessed because of it, but I don't think we really fully recognised what those blessings were. Today I am so grateful that we took that step and were sealed together for eternity in the temple. That knowledge is one of the major factors that is getting me through this.

Yesterday, as I stood next to him in preparation for the closing of the casket I made a promise to him. I told him that I will do everything in my power to live the rest of my life in a way that will leave no question as to whether I will be worthy to stand by his side when the time comes for us to be together again. I told him that I will make sure that the things we took for granted and the things we didn't do that we should have while we were together, will never be taken for granted again as long I live.

I plan on continuing this blog, but it will obviously be taking on a new direction. Gone are the days were infertility rules my every waking thought. There will be no more infertility treatments and no more plans of adoption. Instead there will just be the struggles, challenges, and achievements of a 29 year old widow.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Photo Therapy

I have been moving in and out of a kind of fog for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel that everything will work out for the best and that we are still headed in the right direction, then I suddenly plummet into the darkness with thoughts of us falling farther behind and the thought that if we wait it will be too late. The thoughts tend to consume me at times.

I then read Christine's latest post. She mentioned using photography as a form of therapy. I have always loved photography...the photo's on my blog are all mine. I have never thought of channeling my thoughts and emotions through it though. I decided to take her up on it and try it out. Here is the result of my day of "photo therapy."