Friday, December 31, 2010

Empty Arms

Last year at this time, I sat in the arms of a man who loved me and thought that I was beautiful.  Our goals for the new year held hope for our future together.  We spoke of getting our health in order and of finding a way to have children some day. We talked about our jobs and finding a way to obtain a better financial outlook.  We even made plans of writing a book together.  Our dreams and our plans were entwined together; two people planing their future as one.

Today, I sit alone in the arms of no one.  The sky outside my window is dark.  A fog rests over the ground and the window is spotted by lightly falling rain. I will be sitting here, in this same spot tonight as the year draws it's final breath and moves on to the next.  Gone is the man who loved me and thought I was beautiful.  Gone are the dreams of having children of my own.

Deep down somewhere inside I know that there is a reason why I have been asked to endure these trials and this pain, but I can't tell you what that reason is because I have yet to find out for myself.  I can tell you though, that immediately after I wrote that second paragraph, the sun burst through the clouds and the fog outside started to lift.  Some people may call that an odd coincidence...I call it a sign.  Through all of these trials I have never once felt unloved by my Heavenly Father.

I want to share with you a slide show that I made last year a few weeks before Christmas.  At the time I was grieving for the children that I hadn't yet been blessed with. All I wanted was to have a child of my own that I could share the wonders of Christmas with.  I found comfort in the words of the song, and even though I have now had my wonderful husband taken from me as well, I am still able to find some comfort here.  The song is called Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby by Michael McLean.  The pictures are all taken by me (except for the few that have me in them). I hope that maybe, it can bring some comfort to someone else who's arms are aching this New Years Eve.

video

Monday, December 27, 2010

Coming Home

When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror I didn't recognize the person who was looking back at me.  The past 10 months have changed me more than I ever imagined they would.  The person that I have become isn't necessarily bad by any means, but I don't know that person at all.  If I search deep down, I can find glimmers of who I was but those glimmers fade almost immediately after I locate them.

I am not going to say that "I" died when Wayne did because that isn't really what happened.  My death was slow and gradual.  I also can't really say that I didn't know it was happening, because there were points in the past 10 months where I tried to stop it.  If I look at the posts that I wrote after his death I can see that. But there came a point where I stopped fighting; I guess that I just subconsciously decided that I was going to stop rowing my boat and let the current take me where ever it had in mind. I gave up.

So, today I find myself sitting in my boat in the middle of a vast lake.  There are multiple rivers and streams that leave from this lake, but I am smack dab in the middle.  The current is gone and the only way that I can move is to take up my oars.  I must make the decision now; no one can make it for me.

I look at this opportunity as a positive thing in my life.  I get to create and be anyone that I want to be.  Through the process of letting myself go, I have been stripped down.  Yes, there were some really good things about myself that I lost, but there were some bad things that I lost as well.  With the choices that I make now, I get to rebuild.  Maybe I can even regain some of those really good things.

I stopped writing this blog and started another one when I started hiding my feelings from my family, and then I stopped blogging at all when I decided to stop feeling all together. So, the first step I have decided to make in the creation of the new me is to come back here.  I am coming home to my blog with two purposes in mind.  The first and most important is to start allowing myself to feel again. The second is that I hope to reawaken the passion that I used to have for writing.  Writing was something that I enjoyed doing with all of my heart, it was one of those really good things that I lost.  Maybe I am asking too much of my simple little blog but it is a start.  I'm coming home.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Goodbye

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and this blog just doesn't seem to fit who I am anymore. When ever I come here, I remember the me from what seems so long ago. I have changed so much since I first started this blog. My life is on a completely different path than it once was. Every time that I try to write a post here, it just doesn't seem to fit. It feels wrong. So, I have decided not to keep it going. I will keep it up for the time being, but I won't be adding to it. I may or may not keep writing, but it won't be here. If you are interested in still following me and my story, then let me know in the comments. If I do start a new blog, then I will let you know where to find it.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and has supported me through my struggles. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Friday, June 25, 2010

One of Lifes Most Important Lessons

I know that it has been quite a while, once again, since I posted last. I have had my ups and downs ever since my husband passed away. Good days and bad days; even good weeks and bad weeks. I have been doing much better over the past couple of months. I have kept up on reading everyone's blogs, but I just couldn't bring myself to writing anything because I didn't really feel like I had anything to say.

It has been four months and my life is so much different now that it was then. Everything has changed. I have been dealing with a lot of confusion. Part of me feels like I need to move on and that there is something out there for me that I need to focus on, but then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not giving Wayne the amount of time he deserves to be grieved for. Deep down, I know what I am supposed to do. I know what Wayne wants me to do; but is scares me. It scares me for multiple reasons which I won't get into right this moment, but someday I will.

On another note, I have discovered something about myself though that saddens me. I have gone through my life always looking for what comes next. I have never been satisfied with my life and I have never lived my life to the fullest. I was always thinking things like "when I have a child, I will be happy" or "when I loose weight, I will be happy." I was never happy with my life the way it was.

Wayne always did everything he could to try and make me happy. He always did everything he could to try and make me feel beautiful and make me feel loved. He would get frustrated because when he would tell me that I was beautiful, I would kind of shrug him off because I couldn't see it...or more like I wouldn't see it.

I am just now beginning to see what he was trying to show me all of those years. I look at all of the pictures that were taken of him...and there are a ton...and he was always so happy. He lived his life to the fullest no matter what his circumstances were. He never cared about whether he would look stupid in a picture or if someone would think he was being a "dork." Yes, he had dreams and he had a wish list of things that he wanted out of life, but at the same time he never let NOT having those things get in the way of his happiness. He was happy even though we had a messy house, a lot of debt, no children, and health problems....he was happy because we were together and he was confident in who he was.

I am starting to gain that confidence. I am starting to live for today. I am starting to see someone different in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I just wish that I had been able to see this and learn it while he was still here. It saddens me that it took him being taken away from me, to realize all of the blessings that I had and have. I think of all the things I missed out on. I know that he can see me changing now and that it makes him happy to see me finally "get it." For him, I won't let what could have been get in the way of what will be. For him, I promise to start living my life to the fullest today...not tomorrow. I can be happy with who I am and with what I have; I learned it from the best teacher my Heavenly Father could have ever given me.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Awakening

The last two months have been a blur. I have been going through all the motions of life but I haven't really been living. It feels like I have been existing in some sort of fog; standing still while everyone else flies past me while they go about their lives. I go to work and I go to school but I haven't really had any motivation at all. I have eaten nothing but crap and I feel like crap.

Yesterday marked 2 months since my hubby left this life, but it also seems to have marked something else. I felt something stirring deep inside. It is like my brain and my soul have started to awaken. The feeling reminds me of a flower struggling to break the surface of the ground after it has slept through the winter. The fog is starting to lift and I am beginning to crave...something...its hard to explain. I guess you could say that I am craving structure and stability? I want to get out a calendar and start planning things; I want to create a new "normal" or a new daily routine.

The best way that I can describe it is this:
My hubby and I were deeply connected. We completed each other. My mom used to call us the twins. It was like we had been made for each other. The longer we were together the more connected we became and he became a part of me. We weren't Him and I anymore; we were "Us." When he died, "us" died with him. It felt like the right side of my body had just disappeared and I was left trying to live my life with just the left side. I was so used to having both sides that I didn't know what to do with just the one. I was just half a body twitching around on the floor with no grace or dignity what so ever.

Yesterday I began to refocus. My goals and my purpose are different now than they were before, but I still need to have goals and a purpose. I am finding that some of my goals are the same but my reasoning for them are different. I still want to loose weight, but I no longer want to do it so that I can have a child. Now I want to loose weight for myself; so that I will be healthier and feel better both physically and emotionally.

It is extremely hard to let go of those old goals and dreams. I wanted to be a mother so badly. But, I know that the Lord won't give me any challenges or trials that I can't handle. I will continue to look to him for guidance in my life and I will find my new purpose. For now, I think that I am going to head out into this beautiful spring morning and stop to smell the roses. It is kind of wonderful that the world is just starting to wake up after a long winters nap at the same time that I am staring to wake up as well.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Pakin' Up Is Hard To Do

I want to thank everyone for all of their kind words and support. I was beyond touched with all of your comments. I haven't had a chance to individually thank everyone, but I did want to at least thank everyone here.

I have been spending my days this week packing up all of my possessions and preparing to move. I will be staying with my in-laws until I can find a place of my own. This is a really scary time for me because I am having to let go of a lot, including control of what happens next. I know that I have mentioned our tough financial situation before...well, now with my hubby gone I have no choice but to file BK. I tried everything I could to figure out another option because I feel like I am taking a cop-out. My future is completely unknown. My biggest fears are loosing my wedding ring and loosing my camera in the BK process. Those two items are my life lines.

On the spiritual side I am finding that I have grown so much closer to the Lord through this. I constantly have a prayer in my heart and even though he called my husband home earlier than I could have ever imagined, he has been blessing my life and taking care of me ever since. He has never left me alone, and for that I am truly grateful.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Fork in My Road

There is no possible way for me to express what is going through my mind and my heart right now. This past week has been an extremely hard one full of heart ache, tears, and memories.

Early Tuesday morning (one week prior to our 8th anniversary) I lost the love of my life. He developed a large blood clot that became trapped in his lung and his heart was not able to keep up long enough for the E.R. doctors to do anything about it. I feel like I lost a piece of my soul that day. We had grown so close in the 8 years that we were given together. It almost felt like every breath we took was synchronized. We were perfect for each other. He made up for all of my weaknesses with his strengths. I love him more than I can express. I used to hold up a single finger and tell him that I loved him that much because that was the only way I could touch the universe; he would reply by holding up five fingers and telling me that he loved me five times more than that.

I think that during the past 8 years we began to loose site of the importance of our temple marriage. We knew that we had done the right thing and that we would be blessed because of it, but I don't think we really fully recognised what those blessings were. Today I am so grateful that we took that step and were sealed together for eternity in the temple. That knowledge is one of the major factors that is getting me through this.

Yesterday, as I stood next to him in preparation for the closing of the casket I made a promise to him. I told him that I will do everything in my power to live the rest of my life in a way that will leave no question as to whether I will be worthy to stand by his side when the time comes for us to be together again. I told him that I will make sure that the things we took for granted and the things we didn't do that we should have while we were together, will never be taken for granted again as long I live.

I plan on continuing this blog, but it will obviously be taking on a new direction. Gone are the days were infertility rules my every waking thought. There will be no more infertility treatments and no more plans of adoption. Instead there will just be the struggles, challenges, and achievements of a 29 year old widow.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Photo Therapy

I have been moving in and out of a kind of fog for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel that everything will work out for the best and that we are still headed in the right direction, then I suddenly plummet into the darkness with thoughts of us falling farther behind and the thought that if we wait it will be too late. The thoughts tend to consume me at times.

I then read Christine's latest post. She mentioned using photography as a form of therapy. I have always loved photography...the photo's on my blog are all mine. I have never thought of channeling my thoughts and emotions through it though. I decided to take her up on it and try it out. Here is the result of my day of "photo therapy."


video

Monday, January 25, 2010

Letting Go and Moving On

I have been working on this post for over a week...it is a hard one. Mostly because I am conflicted. I feel at peace but at the same time I also feel a bitter sting.

I finally spoke with my hubby about being on different pages. He said that he didn't think we really were on different pages; rather I just wasn't listening to him when he did talk. So, I listened to him. I found that we are in fact on different pages, but that it is mostly my fault because I wasn't listening to him. I was moving forward with decisions regarding our lives and our family when he wasn't ready. I had (have) a timeline that I was (am) obsessed over and I let that take control.

During our conversation, I found out that he isn't (we aren't) ready to have children right now. We were ready 8 years ago but when it didn't happen we made some decisions that placed us in a position where having children right now would be extremely impractical. When he really made me look at our situation, I knew that he was right. We really do need to focus on some other areas of our lives before we can go back to trying for children. We have decided that right now we need to focus our attention on improving our health and our financial situation.

So, for the time being we are no longer trying to have or adopt children. This isn't to say that we aren't going to try again down the road. I know that there are children out there for us. I don't know when or how they will come into our family but I do know that they are out there...somewhere.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Different Pages

There have often been times during my marriage (8 years on March 1st) where I have realized that my husband and I have been on different pages. Sometimes I need to slow down and let him catch up, and other times I need to speed up to catch him. We have never been more than a couple of pages away from each other though; getting back on the same page didn't take too much effort.

For the past couple of weeks though, I have been having a very difficult time finding him in our book. I have tried talking to him and I get silence. I push harder and I get the classic "I just don't know" or the even more classic "I need to think about it." I've been getting the feeling that I am the only one actually trying to work on finding a way out of our financial situation and that I am the only one actually thinking about how we are going to start our family and when.

This morning on our way to work (we are currently carpooling) I tried again. This morning I found out that we aren't just pages away from each other, we are chapters away from each other. I am beginning to wonder if we are even in the same book anymore. Either way, whether it is chapters or books, I have apparently sped past him and I am way ahead. I think he may have even started reading backwards, which could explain how we ended up so far apart.

He seems to think that everything is just going to miraculously fix itself and work out. I honestly think he is just waiting for a rich person to leave their child on our door step with the deed to a mansion and a couple of million dollars in the baby's bassinet with a note asking us to be good parents. It's nice to dream but we need to face reality. We got ourselves into this mess and we are the ones that are going to have to get ourselves out. We can just sit on our butts waiting for someone else to come dig us out.

What frustrates me most is that he seems to think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting another 5 or 10 years before we even consider trying to help ourselves if the miracle hasn't happened yet. I have been waiting almost 8 years for the miracle and I know that it isn't coming. I can't wait another 5 or 10 years; I need to take action now or I know that I am never going to be a mother. Only, I can't do it by myself and at this point, I don't know if my husband and I are ever going to be on the same page again. Maybe it is time that I just let go of my dreams...

Friday, January 15, 2010

Foot in Mouth

Have you ever said something that you look back on and totally regret? I am normally someone who thinks everything through before I speak and this is usually sufficient in keeping me out of trouble. But, every once in a while, this thinking everything through tends to get me into major trouble. I say major trouble for two reasons. The first is that I tend to over think things, especially when a situation is highly emotional. Second because I always end up doing it in writing. When a flub is made verbally you can immediately apologize and rectify the mishap, but when it is in writing there is no going back.

My latest foot in mouth episode came while I was trying to help a friend feel better. I kept running her situation through my mind and I felt so bad. I felt helpless but I wanted to give her some sort of comfort. I ended up sending a message to her. While I wrote it, I could only think of trying to lend her a bit of my faith and hope. After I hit the send button I realized a big mistake....the story itself I used probably did the exact opposite of what I had wanted it to. It was too late; I had already hit send. We both would have been better off if I had just kept my mouth shut and just prayed for her.

I don't know if she reads my blog anymore or if she has burned me off of her list, but just in case I will say now that I am more sorry for what I said that you will ever know. I only wanted to try and make you feel better but I realize that my message probably made it so much worse especially considering the situation. It would seem that even someone who has suffered the brunt of many unthoughtful comments can be the unthoughtful person who makes those comments. I hope I am never that unthoughtful person again.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Blessings

On Christmas Day I decided to go through our budget and see what we would need to payoff if I were to stay home and raise a family. On Christmas Day I found out that we have managed to get ourselves into so much debt that we will be well beyond our child raising years by the time we can pay off those debts and save enough for an adoption. On Christmas Day my heart broke.

I spent the next week working through the emotions involved with realizing my dreams of having children are never going to happen. I went through the whole grieving process. I was angry with myself for letting this happen. I cried for each of the children I will never have. In the end, I felt at peace. I found peace in the knowledge that the Lord never gives us challenges that we are incapable of handling. If giving up my children is a sacrifice that I am being asked to make, then I will do it with my head held high and with a prayer of gratitude in my heart for all of the blessings that I have been given and will continue to receive.

On New Years Eve I received a text message stating that my newest nephew was born. I was surprised that I didn't feel any pangs of regret; I just kind of felt indifferent actually. We went to the hospital that night to see him. In the past I have always sat in the background until the baby is place in my arms by someone in the family who wants a picture of the little one with their aunt. Once the baby was in my arms I would do everything I could to avoid looking down into those little eyes. This time I walked into the hospital room and went straight to the baby. I wasn't going to let this get to me anymore.

When it came my turn to hold him I readily opened my arms and looked down into his precious little face. In that moment it would seem that he spoke to me. He reminded me of a promise that I was given many years ago in a blessing.

I remembered that I was promised children and so was my husband. We were both promised this long before we even met. I also know that the Lord never backs down on a promise. The promise he gave us was not given unconditionally, and neither my husband or I have managed to fulfill our ends of the deal. But, it isn't too late for us to rectify our errors and if we do I know that we will received our promised gift. I don't know how and I don't know when; but I do know that it will happen.