Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Loneliness is a very lonely place indeed

**WARNING** This post is long and there is no humor **WARNING**

When I went in to the 9th grade, I made a new friend. I was hesitant at first because she was far from being popular with any crowd and I was already way too unpopular on my own, but it ended up working out. I will admit that through high school I was far from the perfect friend. We had a ton of fun but I can't honestly say that I never made fun of her when I was with other kids...trying to fit in. She never seemed to mind though. She was always there for me.

After graduation I realized what a true friend I had in her. I regretted the fact that I had taken her friendship for granted. She said that she understood and that everything was fine. But now, I won't say how many years later, I am starting to realize that our friendship was broken at that point.

When she went to college in Idaho and I stayed behind in Utah she never wrote and rarely called. When she did call, it was generally because she needed a shoulder to cry on. I listened to her talk about the new friends she was making and I tried to be happy for her. I have never been good at making friends so while she was in Idaho living it up, I was here alone. I didn't have anyone else. So, when she called and asked if I could drive up and help her move back home for the summer I dropped everything and went. While she was here we rarely saw each other because we were both working. Then her family moved to Oregon and she went with them.

While she was in Oregon, we exchanged one or two emails over a span of a year or two. She rarely called. I went up to visit her twice. She never once came to see me. She went back to Idaho and she called to cry about boys. She came down a couple of times and stayed with me but it was only because she had a couple of guys that she was dating down here. I was okay with it though. She was here right?

She then got engaged. She called me and was so excited. She started talking to me about planning the wedding and asking for my advise. She made reference to me possibly being in her wedding party. Then the calls stopped until I got one where she said that she was getting married in a week and was scared about the wedding night. She wanted someone who had already gone through it to talk to. A week before the wedding! I hadn't even received an invitation! But, I let her come over and we talked about all of her fears and I gave her the advise she was asking for. I didn't go to the wedding...it stung...but I still pressed on.

Then she got married. Her husband doesn't like my husband and I; he did everything he could to let us know that he didn't want us around. He refused to come over to our house with her. She stopped coming. Then I got the call that they had split and once again she stayed with me for a while. I listed to her cry. I tried to be there for her as best I could. After a week or so she moved in with her sister. She called every time that he did something stupid. I tried calling her a couple of times when we thought my mom had cancer, and when my hubby and I were having a rough patch but she was always too busy to talk.

Then she and her husband got back together. She called to let me know. Hubby and I were still in a pretty rough spot, but she was reorganizing her DVDs and couldn't concentrate on what I was trying to talk about...I didn't really need to talk to her about it anyway. I knew things would work out between hubby and I so it was okay....but the sting made it's presence felt and it never really faded this time.

She called me again once to tell me that her mother had told her that she didn't want to be her mom anymore. She was in hysterics. Come to find out that her mom was having a really rough time. Her dad was sick and he had lost his job. She wasn't worried about what her mom was going through...she was worried about herself and what she was going to do without her mom??? Seriously?!? If I was her mom and she was acting that selfishly I probably would have told her that I didn't want to be her mother anymore too! I basically told her as much but in a much nicer way...you know the friendly way. I smoothed it over and told her that she needed to help her mom through this time. I gave her an idea to send her mom a gift basket. I even offered to make it for her. She said that she would call me the next day so that we could get together and put it together...she never called back.

At this point I realized that I had spent all these years trying to make up for the mistakes I had made in our friendship clear back in high school. I thought that I had done enough repenting. I still wanted to be her friend more than ever, but I told myself that she was going to have to step up to the plate and be there for me if I was going to be there for her.

Since that point in time she did call once for no apparent reason but to ask how I was. I thought that we had reached a turning point. But then months passed by with nothing more than two text messages begging me to come to a Mary Kay party that she was hosting... I never returned them.

With that said and done, I have still held out hope that someday we would be best friends again. That we would find a way to communicate within our schedules and maybe do something together once a month or so. That tiny bit of string that I have been holding onto over all this time was cut last night. I found out from her sister that she is pregnant. She didn't call... didn't send an email...nothing. I guess she has moved on and now it's my turn.

Looking back I know that the only reason why I have held on this long is because I don't have anyone else to turn to. I have my loving hubby who means more than anything else in the world to me...but I don't have a single girl friend. No one to cry with or discuss girly things with. Now that I don't even have that last little string of hope to hold on to....it is a very lonely place to be.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"Mind the Big Rocks!"

Have you ever seen Robin Hood: Men in Tights? There is a scene toward the beginning when Prince John has his first encounter with Robin Hood. Robin slices through one of the straps on Prince John's saddle and John finds himself still sitting on the saddle but it is now strapped to the horse's stomach. Robin then sends the horse off while calling "Mind the big rocks" and you see the horse ride off over the hill with Prince John's head hitting the ground with each stride.

This is how I rode my horse throughout the month of February. In the past, if I have ever "fallen off the horse" I generally sit there in the dirt for a year or so before finding the motivation to get up and try again. I easily loose sight of my motivation and my goals. This time I didn't loose sight of my goals at all, I just couldn't seem to get upright on my horse and I kept beating my head on the rocks with every step forward. Now that I have finally gotten my horse stopped I have found that all those painful steps forward were actually steps in a great big circle. I haven't really gone anywhere accept for possibly a little bit backward. I have absolutely nothing to show for the pain.

Oddly enough, I believe that it was my youngest niece that helped me regain my footing. Yesterday we were over at her house and she looked at me and said "Aunt Bee Bee, do you have any kids?" Normally this would have broken my heart because I had to tell her no, but it didn't. It just kind of shook me back to reality. I guess you could say that her innocent comment helped me fix my saddle and get back up on my horse. Tomorrow I will once again set off on my journey...and this time I will do my best to "mind the big rocks."