Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Loneliness is a very lonely place indeed

**WARNING** This post is long and there is no humor **WARNING**

When I went in to the 9th grade, I made a new friend. I was hesitant at first because she was far from being popular with any crowd and I was already way too unpopular on my own, but it ended up working out. I will admit that through high school I was far from the perfect friend. We had a ton of fun but I can't honestly say that I never made fun of her when I was with other kids...trying to fit in. She never seemed to mind though. She was always there for me.

After graduation I realized what a true friend I had in her. I regretted the fact that I had taken her friendship for granted. She said that she understood and that everything was fine. But now, I won't say how many years later, I am starting to realize that our friendship was broken at that point.

When she went to college in Idaho and I stayed behind in Utah she never wrote and rarely called. When she did call, it was generally because she needed a shoulder to cry on. I listened to her talk about the new friends she was making and I tried to be happy for her. I have never been good at making friends so while she was in Idaho living it up, I was here alone. I didn't have anyone else. So, when she called and asked if I could drive up and help her move back home for the summer I dropped everything and went. While she was here we rarely saw each other because we were both working. Then her family moved to Oregon and she went with them.

While she was in Oregon, we exchanged one or two emails over a span of a year or two. She rarely called. I went up to visit her twice. She never once came to see me. She went back to Idaho and she called to cry about boys. She came down a couple of times and stayed with me but it was only because she had a couple of guys that she was dating down here. I was okay with it though. She was here right?

She then got engaged. She called me and was so excited. She started talking to me about planning the wedding and asking for my advise. She made reference to me possibly being in her wedding party. Then the calls stopped until I got one where she said that she was getting married in a week and was scared about the wedding night. She wanted someone who had already gone through it to talk to. A week before the wedding! I hadn't even received an invitation! But, I let her come over and we talked about all of her fears and I gave her the advise she was asking for. I didn't go to the wedding...it stung...but I still pressed on.

Then she got married. Her husband doesn't like my husband and I; he did everything he could to let us know that he didn't want us around. He refused to come over to our house with her. She stopped coming. Then I got the call that they had split and once again she stayed with me for a while. I listed to her cry. I tried to be there for her as best I could. After a week or so she moved in with her sister. She called every time that he did something stupid. I tried calling her a couple of times when we thought my mom had cancer, and when my hubby and I were having a rough patch but she was always too busy to talk.

Then she and her husband got back together. She called to let me know. Hubby and I were still in a pretty rough spot, but she was reorganizing her DVDs and couldn't concentrate on what I was trying to talk about...I didn't really need to talk to her about it anyway. I knew things would work out between hubby and I so it was okay....but the sting made it's presence felt and it never really faded this time.

She called me again once to tell me that her mother had told her that she didn't want to be her mom anymore. She was in hysterics. Come to find out that her mom was having a really rough time. Her dad was sick and he had lost his job. She wasn't worried about what her mom was going through...she was worried about herself and what she was going to do without her mom??? Seriously?!? If I was her mom and she was acting that selfishly I probably would have told her that I didn't want to be her mother anymore too! I basically told her as much but in a much nicer way...you know the friendly way. I smoothed it over and told her that she needed to help her mom through this time. I gave her an idea to send her mom a gift basket. I even offered to make it for her. She said that she would call me the next day so that we could get together and put it together...she never called back.

At this point I realized that I had spent all these years trying to make up for the mistakes I had made in our friendship clear back in high school. I thought that I had done enough repenting. I still wanted to be her friend more than ever, but I told myself that she was going to have to step up to the plate and be there for me if I was going to be there for her.

Since that point in time she did call once for no apparent reason but to ask how I was. I thought that we had reached a turning point. But then months passed by with nothing more than two text messages begging me to come to a Mary Kay party that she was hosting... I never returned them.

With that said and done, I have still held out hope that someday we would be best friends again. That we would find a way to communicate within our schedules and maybe do something together once a month or so. That tiny bit of string that I have been holding onto over all this time was cut last night. I found out from her sister that she is pregnant. She didn't call... didn't send an email...nothing. I guess she has moved on and now it's my turn.

Looking back I know that the only reason why I have held on this long is because I don't have anyone else to turn to. I have my loving hubby who means more than anything else in the world to me...but I don't have a single girl friend. No one to cry with or discuss girly things with. Now that I don't even have that last little string of hope to hold on to....it is a very lonely place to be.


womb for improvement said...

Wow, you do sound like you are in a bad place. I hope that just by writing that down it has helped you come to terms with the fact that your friendship wasn't helping you be any less lonely ven when it existed. Take care.

the misfit said...

I think I know just what you mean. I came to a realization a month or so ago that I don't have any close girlfriends. There are lots of people the DH and I spend time with (mostly his older bachelor friends) so it looks like I have plenty of friends because I'm often around people. And they've totally accepted me and are very kind to me and consider me a friend. And there are a few who have wives and we're friends in theory - I mean, if the couples are doing dinner together, the invited wife brings dessert. We chat. But I'm accustomed to having best girlfriends. I haven't had one in a while. I don't want to be ungrateful because they are lovely women around but...they'll never be my "bosom friends." (I posted about this I think.)

I resolved to get involved in more activities and meet more people! Surely I would find some young woman and know immediately that we were meant to be best buds. But you know, most people think it's sort of weird to have another gal lavish attention on them. (And I haven't found the perfect candidate, and I've sort of slowed down with my efforts. This isn't easy...)

I don't know what to suggest, to you or me - being in school made it easier to find people. I know I live in a heavily populated area and will never be really ALONE. Out in the West, I know it can be harder. I guess the only thing I could think of is that if I had every conversation caring only about the other person - listening, not interjecting; asking for more information; caring more than I'm in the habit of doing - I would feel less lonely. I know that's true, because I've done it before. But it's not guaranteed to find you a bff :).

organize-n-mama said...

I still have friends like that. Just those ones who call to tell you their problems and to cry. I think you are a sweet person who I like very much. I know it is usually crazy when we see each other but thats how it is with my kids. I am looking forward to dinner and hockey with you guys in a few weeks. You know we can talk as friends anytime and it doesn't have to make it's way into the family conversations. We can talk about anything!!!!!

Tausha and James Hansen said...

I am so embarrassed but you posted a comment on my blog and i don't know who you are! Please tell me! thanks!!!

Bee Bee said...

Tasha, are you asking me or organize-n-mama? I unfortunately have never read your blog. If you are looking for organize-n-mama, then I can point you in the right direction...I do know who she is.

Tausha and James Hansen said...

Bee-Bee, yes organize-n-mama. I got your blog when I clicked on her name. really strange.