Sunday, December 20, 2009

Changing Dreams

When I was in high school, teachers regularly asked where we wanted to be in five or ten years. When asked, I would get an image of a husband and two or three children. I would then imagine adopting one or two more children to round off my family.

This image has been one that I have played in my mind time and time again over the years. When I was getting married I discussed this with my husband to be and I was excited to hear that he had wanted to adopt as well. We decided that we would work toward this ideal of having a couple first and then adopting.

As the years have past and those two children haven't entered our lives, we have spoken on and off about moving forward with our adoption plans. I feel like it is something that we should do but I have been hesitating and I didn't quite know why.

I have been following Ashley's blog for the past six months or so and it is through her that I realized what my problem was. By entertaining this dream of my perfect family I have come to think of adoption as my ending. I have never thought of it as a last means option. But, thinking of it as an ending has resulted in the same thing. When I think of adopting, deep down I am telling myself that I will never be able to carry a child and I'm not quite ready to give that up yet.

Ashley adopted a beautiful little girl a couple of years ago and now she is pregnant. She didn't give up; she just did what she felt was right to do for her family. Reading her blog has helped me begin to rework my thinking. I am beginning to realize that there is a plan for me and my family. I may not get my family in the same way that I have always dreamed about, but I do know that I will get my family as long as I follow the promptings of the spirit and do what I am told. Adoption can play a major part in my life and it doesn't have to be my ending.

Thank you Ashley for sharing your story.


Ashley said...

The doors that adoption opens are amazing. It's not for everyone, but if it is for you then it'll be one of the greatest blessings you can imagine. As hard as it is, you look at your child and realize that you would live in the most painful moments all over again if it just means you get to have that sweet child call you "Mama."

Many prayers for you and your husband on this journey; no matter where the road takes you.

Let me know if I can do anything.

the misfit said...

I think that's a brilliant realization. In order to follow God's will for me, sometimes I need to bracket what I'm most frightened of - i.e., pursuing adoption but underlining that this does NOT mean the end of ttc naturally. If you're meant to quit ttc completely at some point, He'll give you the clarity and peace you need to do that. Until then, though, you don't need to raise the stakes on the path toward which you believe He is calling you - hang onto hope for a pregnancy!

Christine Dallimore said...

What a beautiful post!!! I loved your insight and completely agree. Heavenly Father has a plan and a path for you...for all of us. At the end I bet we will all see the beauty in it. It's just hard getting there! LOL!!! I hope you will be able to get all of the answers to your questions and all of the desires of your heart soon...