Photo Therapy

I have been moving in and out of a kind of fog for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel that everything will work out for the best and that we are still headed in the right direction, then I suddenly plummet into the darkness with thoughts of us falling farther behind and the thought that if we wait it will be too late. The thoughts tend to consume me at times.

I then read Christine's latest post. She mentioned using photography as a form of therapy. I have always loved photography...the photo's on my blog are all mine. I have never thought of channeling my thoughts and emotions through it though. I decided to take her up on it and try it out. Here is the result of my day of "photo therapy."

My Mountain

I have been blessed with a mountain to climb. Most people wouldn't see a mountain that must be climbed as a blessing but I do. After being lost in a fog for so long, it is the most wonderful feeling to finally know where you are supposed to be going.

I love hiking even though it isn't something that I do very often. The reason why I love to hike is because it is the best way that I have found to connect with my Heavenly Father and everything that he has created on this earth.

It is for this reason that I look toward this new mountain in my life as a blessing. Through this climb I will be given the opportunity to witness many of the blessings that I have been given and may not know about quite yet. I will be given the opportunity to build new relationships, grow closer to my husband, and explore newly found talents. But most of all, I will be given the opportunity to increase my faith in the Lord.

My task in climbing this mountain is to prepare myself for motherhood and adoption. I have finally been able to answer the question of "Why." Why must I work so hard to obtain something that so many see and take for granted? The answer to this question is that this is one of my trials. Every person's trials are different. We don't choose our trials but we do choose how we handle them. I am choosing to place my feet on the path at the bottom of the hill and start the climb.

Motivation Can Be Found in Some Very Unpleasant Places

This may sound terrible to some of you...but, on occasion when I am out and I see someone that I think is extremely overweight I compare myself to them by asking the person I am with if I am that big too. I know that I am overweight and that I have a long way to go before I am at a healthy weight, but for some reason, it makes me feel better to hear my hubby or my mom say that I am not "that bad." Well, I guess you could say that turn about is fair play.

The hubby and I were out at a restaurant this weekend. We had finished our meal and were standing up to leave. Our table was pushed up really close to a wall and I couldn't get out the other way because of another table that had people sitting at it. I slid off of my chair and slowly squeezed myself through the gap between the table and the wall. As we were passing the other table that was close to ours the woman leaned over to her husband and said "I'm not really that big am I?"

It didn't know whether I wanted to throw up everything I had just eaten or just sit down in the middle of the floor and start bawling. Fortunately I did neither; but I did come out of the experience with some serious motivation for loosing weight. I hope to never forget that moment there in the restaurant. With that memory and with the knowledge that my weight is preventing me from having children, I am hoping to push myself toward the breaking point where I can finally commit to loosing the weight once and for all.

Our Chicken Doesn't Lay Eggs

Yesterday we had an early Mother's Day get together with my in laws. Generally my hubby's family is pretty content with just us being there and they don't bring up the fact that we don't have kids. My BIL was joking around and mentioned that we needed to adopt a little girl (long story as to how it came up; no need to go over it here).

Later, during dinner, the subject surfaced again. My SILs husband kind of looked at us with that question in his eyes. I basically just came out and said "it is most likely that we are going to have to adopt if we are going to have children." He replied that he thought we were going to use a surrogate. (We have had three women offer to be a surrogate for us, including his wife, and I think that is where this idea came from.) I sat there for a minute and then leaned over to my hubby and asked him how I should explain the situation without his mother getting offended by the "table conversation" and also to prevent an awkward moment due to the children that were within ear shot. I ended up going with this: "It isn't the oven that is broken. We just don't have all the ingredients to bake a cake."

I thought that this was very creative if I do say so myself...but apparently my hubby felt that I had left something out so he added "Our chicken doesn't lay eggs."

What in the world is happening to me?!?

A few years ago when my nephew was being potty trained he would yell "what in the world is happening to me?" every time that he had a bowel movement on the potty. We all thought this was hilarious at the time. Once he outgrew this "phase" it was soon forgotten; but it came back to my mind this evening as I was contemplating this last week and I now sympathize with him.

Have you ever been with a group of people and you suddenly realize that you are mirroring another person's body language? You immediately uncross your arms and switch the way that your legs are crossed and secretly hope that no one noticed; only to find yourself mirroring them again minutes later. The mirroring is a subconscious act. Other subconscious acts involve phrases that we use all of the time, the way that we react to certain situations, nervous habits, etc. We generally don't notice that we do these things until someone points them out to us and this is where my nephew's plight comes in.

You have been doing something for years and you don't know how or why you do it; it just happens. Now you are aware of it and every time that you do it something clicks in your brain and you notice how odd or different it is. Sometimes you even catch yourself right before you do it but you can't stop yourself from doing it anyway. Eventually it starts to bug you because you just can't understand it and if you keep going without gaining an understanding you start to get frustrated...eventually you find yourself yelling "What in the world is happening to me?" (picture a little 3 year old who suddenly feels like his insides are comming out...yep he is going to want to know what in the world is happening to him)

I reached this level of frustration with myself this morning. The habit I have been fighting all week is that of eating small but calorie filled snacks throughout the day and not sticking to my diet. Each day I woke up this week and said that I was going to stick to the diet but each day I kept shoveling it in. I tried to fight it. I consciously knew that what I was doing was wrong and I really wanted to stick to the diet but I just couldn't make myself do it. I was so frustrated with myself because I didn't know why I couldn't get my brain to keep my hand from going to my mouth. I have finally figured it out.

It was emotional eating. I have been doing so well over the past month that this came as a really big shock. Heck, I made it all the way through a round of Provera and a full week of AF with very few temptations to break my diet...so what happened last week that put me over the edge? One of my coworkers is pregnant. She just got married 3 or 4 months ago. I didn't think that it was bothering me because I really truly am happy for her. She had some rough times in her past and gave up 2 babies for adoption. I know what it feels like to want a baby of your own that you can keep and I am glad that she will no longer have to face that emptiness in her arms.

But I guess subconsciously it has dredged up those old feelings of "when will it be my turn." I have been really trying to keep a positive attitude lately but I know that realistically the feelings won't just go away. At least now I can acknowledge them once again and work on separating them from my eating habits.

Well it sure isn't fresh!

The other day my husband and I were discussing my upcoming birthday. I will be turning 28 years old. I was kind of down for a number of reasons. I was still quite emotional from this latest round of Provera. In addition, I tend to look at each birthday as another failed attempt at the life that I have always wanted. I don't have any kids yet and all I seem to have to show for this 28 years of life is a whole lot of debt and a job that I don't like. I looked at my husband and said "look at me...I'm just an old fart." He replied with a very straight face "you are a bunch of stale air from the bum?" Not fully understanding what he had said I repeated back to him "a bunch of stale air?" and he said "well it sure isn't fresh!"


It is moments like these that I know I am truly blessed. No matter what the situation, my husband can always help me find the humor in it.

They have pills for that?!?

I work in a small office with only 3 other employees, two of which are female.  One of the girls is a little bit younger than me and the other is about the same age as my mom. When our boss (the only male) is out of the office we tend to banter about anything and everything including those personal female things.  Most of the time it is just me and the younger girl that are talking but occasionally the older one will join in.  

On Thursday I took my first dose of Provera for this months induced "cleansing" cycle.  I don't know about anyone else that has taken Provera but I usually end up having major PMS with it so I have dubbed Provera the "B" pill.  When I took this first dose I apologized up front to my two female coworkers and told them to please forgive me if I am extremely moody over the next week.  The younger one just kind of laughed at me because she knew what I was talking about from previous conversations, the older one just kind of looked at me with this quizzical look on her face.  I went on to explain to the older one that I had to take a cycle of pills that turn me into a real Bi*ch.  She became very quiet and after a few seconds of this quiet contemplation asked "They have pills for that?"

One week at a time...

Of my last two classes, I failed one and I came as close to failing the other as you can without actually doing it.  I then took a small break to sort out this mess that I have gotten myself into. I started my latest class last week and instead of starting the class like I usually do by telling myself that I am going to get an A and accept nothing else, I told myself that I am going to take this class one week at a time.  I made a goal for myself to get all of my assignments done that week...and I did it!  So far I am on track to meeting this weeks goal.  All of the stress and anxiety that I have been feeling for the past year regarding school seems to finally be fading into something much more manageable.  I think that I may have finally stumbled across my salvation and that maybe I have finally found the key to getting off of this emotional roller coaster that I have been on.

I already know that in order to give myself a chance at conceiving a child, I am first going to have to loose some major weight.  I have been looking at the weight issue as the first stepping stone and I have succeeded in nothing.  In a similar fashion to how I am now handling school, I am going to break down this stepping stone of mine into much smaller and easier to handle pieces.  Instead of looking at loosing 150 pounds, I am going to first try to loose 5 pounds.  After I loose that 5 pounds I will set another goal for myself.  

This is all trial and error, but I think that I have finally come to terms with that fact that life itself is all trial and error.  As we go through life we all make mistakes.  We learn from those mistakes and then we make progress.  I know that I have many more mistakes ahead of me, but I also know that I will experience many good and wonderful things along the way as well.

Here's to leaving my "down" on my way to an "up"....and let me stay up for a while...

Blue Christmas?

It may seem like it but I really haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I have had many ups and down over the past month or so. Right now I seem to be in the middle of a down.

My hubby and I are celebrating our 8th Christmas together. While we weren't married for that first Christmas, it still marks another Christmas with the present I want most of all not "under the tree." I fill each Christmas by doing Sub-4-Santa and buying gifts for me nieces and nephews that are way too expensive and over the top....trying to make up for the emptiness that I feel knowing that I may never have my own children to spoil on Christmas morning.

I have been really trying not to do the "poor me" thing, but it becomes harder and harder as each Christmas passes.