Monday, January 18, 2010

Different Pages

There have often been times during my marriage (8 years on March 1st) where I have realized that my husband and I have been on different pages. Sometimes I need to slow down and let him catch up, and other times I need to speed up to catch him. We have never been more than a couple of pages away from each other though; getting back on the same page didn't take too much effort.

For the past couple of weeks though, I have been having a very difficult time finding him in our book. I have tried talking to him and I get silence. I push harder and I get the classic "I just don't know" or the even more classic "I need to think about it." I've been getting the feeling that I am the only one actually trying to work on finding a way out of our financial situation and that I am the only one actually thinking about how we are going to start our family and when.

This morning on our way to work (we are currently carpooling) I tried again. This morning I found out that we aren't just pages away from each other, we are chapters away from each other. I am beginning to wonder if we are even in the same book anymore. Either way, whether it is chapters or books, I have apparently sped past him and I am way ahead. I think he may have even started reading backwards, which could explain how we ended up so far apart.

He seems to think that everything is just going to miraculously fix itself and work out. I honestly think he is just waiting for a rich person to leave their child on our door step with the deed to a mansion and a couple of million dollars in the baby's bassinet with a note asking us to be good parents. It's nice to dream but we need to face reality. We got ourselves into this mess and we are the ones that are going to have to get ourselves out. We can just sit on our butts waiting for someone else to come dig us out.

What frustrates me most is that he seems to think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting another 5 or 10 years before we even consider trying to help ourselves if the miracle hasn't happened yet. I have been waiting almost 8 years for the miracle and I know that it isn't coming. I can't wait another 5 or 10 years; I need to take action now or I know that I am never going to be a mother. Only, I can't do it by myself and at this point, I don't know if my husband and I are ever going to be on the same page again. Maybe it is time that I just let go of my dreams...


Christine Dallimore said...

No, No, No....Don't let go of your dreams!!! I know at times it may seem like it's impossible but I promise doors will be opened if you are faithful. It may seem like you and your husband are pages apart... Oh how I know too well those moments!!! :0) But I promise, the moment will pass. Better days will come. You will find your way. I just know it. Please don't ever loose hope. Remember..."Knock and ye shall receive..." Just know that I am praying for you right now with all of my heart. This is no fun journey but you will make it- I just know it.

the misfit said...

Wanting different things or at different rates than your husband has got to be one of the very hardest things about this process. I doubt this is any help but - cynicism is what has helped get me through. If there were something I wanted to try, I could freak out if he wouldn't even discuss it for six months - WHAT IF THIS WAS THE MONTH I WAS REALLY FERTILE?! I've cried so many tears over things like that. My thinking now is, "Come on, how many 'six months' have I had? Never got pregnant once. If he doesn't want to rub yak fat on his genitals until 2011, it will keep." Or, you get the idea. I recognize I'm headed to never-neverland (hey, I just realized I could use that!!) at a steady pace, so that may change things; and when there are real life deadlines and obstacles, that changes things too. All I can really say is, best of luck. Being in different places, on any subject, is really hard, I know, and I will be praying for you to be marching in lock-step again soon!