There have often been times during my marriage (8 years on March 1st) where I have realized that my husband and I have been on different pages. Sometimes I need to slow down and let him catch up, and other times I need to speed up to catch him. We have never been more than a couple of pages away from each other though; getting back on the same page didn't take too much effort.
For the past couple of weeks though, I have been having a very difficult time finding him in our book. I have tried talking to him and I get silence. I push harder and I get the classic "I just don't know" or the even more classic "I need to think about it." I've been getting the feeling that I am the only one actually trying to work on finding a way out of our financial situation and that I am the only one actually thinking about how we are going to start our family and when.
This morning on our way to work (we are currently carpooling) I tried again. This morning I found out that we aren't just pages away from each other, we are chapters away from each other. I am beginning to wonder if we are even in the same book anymore. Either way, whether it is chapters or books, I have apparently sped past him and I am way ahead. I think he may have even started reading backwards, which could explain how we ended up so far apart.
He seems to think that everything is just going to miraculously fix itself and work out. I honestly think he is just waiting for a rich person to leave their child on our door step with the deed to a mansion and a couple of million dollars in the baby's bassinet with a note asking us to be good parents. It's nice to dream but we need to face reality. We got ourselves into this mess and we are the ones that are going to have to get ourselves out. We can just sit on our butts waiting for someone else to come dig us out.
What frustrates me most is that he seems to think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting another 5 or 10 years before we even consider trying to help ourselves if the miracle hasn't happened yet. I have been waiting almost 8 years for the miracle and I know that it isn't coming. I can't wait another 5 or 10 years; I need to take action now or I know that I am never going to be a mother. Only, I can't do it by myself and at this point, I don't know if my husband and I are ever going to be on the same page again. Maybe it is time that I just let go of my dreams...