Saturday, April 24, 2010

Awakening

The last two months have been a blur. I have been going through all the motions of life but I haven't really been living. It feels like I have been existing in some sort of fog; standing still while everyone else flies past me while they go about their lives. I go to work and I go to school but I haven't really had any motivation at all. I have eaten nothing but crap and I feel like crap.

Yesterday marked 2 months since my hubby left this life, but it also seems to have marked something else. I felt something stirring deep inside. It is like my brain and my soul have started to awaken. The feeling reminds me of a flower struggling to break the surface of the ground after it has slept through the winter. The fog is starting to lift and I am beginning to crave...something...its hard to explain. I guess you could say that I am craving structure and stability? I want to get out a calendar and start planning things; I want to create a new "normal" or a new daily routine.

The best way that I can describe it is this:
My hubby and I were deeply connected. We completed each other. My mom used to call us the twins. It was like we had been made for each other. The longer we were together the more connected we became and he became a part of me. We weren't Him and I anymore; we were "Us." When he died, "us" died with him. It felt like the right side of my body had just disappeared and I was left trying to live my life with just the left side. I was so used to having both sides that I didn't know what to do with just the one. I was just half a body twitching around on the floor with no grace or dignity what so ever.

Yesterday I began to refocus. My goals and my purpose are different now than they were before, but I still need to have goals and a purpose. I am finding that some of my goals are the same but my reasoning for them are different. I still want to loose weight, but I no longer want to do it so that I can have a child. Now I want to loose weight for myself; so that I will be healthier and feel better both physically and emotionally.

It is extremely hard to let go of those old goals and dreams. I wanted to be a mother so badly. But, I know that the Lord won't give me any challenges or trials that I can't handle. I will continue to look to him for guidance in my life and I will find my new purpose. For now, I think that I am going to head out into this beautiful spring morning and stop to smell the roses. It is kind of wonderful that the world is just starting to wake up after a long winters nap at the same time that I am staring to wake up as well.

5 comments:

Erika said...

I can't imagine what youre going through. I know how important a daily routine is to me, on a daily basis. I hope that will be a good step to getting to your "new" normal. I can only imagine how getting to a new "normal" is going to take some time and be a hard road. I'm glad you have the knowlege of the gospel and the love of your Savior and our Heavenly Father to guide you. Praying for you to be continually uplifted and guided through this. Glad to see you post again. Let me know if I can help!

the misfit said...

So glad to hear from you again. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through, but I am happy to hear that you are starting to find a way forward. You are in my prayers.

Kristie said...

I can't even imagine what you have been going through the last 2 months.

I'm glad that you are back and starting to refocus. Be gentle with yourself, you are still grieving.

Hang in there and know that people are thinking about you!

Christine Dallimore said...

This is a really great post. I love all of the metaphores you used because it helped me to understand what you are going through so much better. I hope your new sense of normal will adjust easily. That you will be able to continue to focus on your goals (LOVE that you are making them)! Obviously Heavenly Father has very great and wonderful things in store for you. Things that only YOU can accomplish. I can't wait to see what those are!!!!

the misfit said...

How have you been lately?