When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror I didn't recognize the person who was looking back at me. The past 10 months have changed me more than I ever imagined they would. The person that I have become isn't necessarily bad by any means, but I don't know that person at all. If I search deep down, I can find glimmers of who I was but those glimmers fade almost immediately after I locate them.
I am not going to say that "I" died when Wayne did because that isn't really what happened. My death was slow and gradual. I also can't really say that I didn't know it was happening, because there were points in the past 10 months where I tried to stop it. If I look at the posts that I wrote after his death I can see that. But there came a point where I stopped fighting; I guess that I just subconsciously decided that I was going to stop rowing my boat and let the current take me where ever it had in mind. I gave up.
So, today I find myself sitting in my boat in the middle of a vast lake. There are multiple rivers and streams that leave from this lake, but I am smack dab in the middle. The current is gone and the only way that I can move is to take up my oars. I must make the decision now; no one can make it for me.
I look at this opportunity as a positive thing in my life. I get to create and be anyone that I want to be. Through the process of letting myself go, I have been stripped down. Yes, there were some really good things about myself that I lost, but there were some bad things that I lost as well. With the choices that I make now, I get to rebuild. Maybe I can even regain some of those really good things.
I stopped writing this blog and started another one when I started hiding my feelings from my family, and then I stopped blogging at all when I decided to stop feeling all together. So, the first step I have decided to make in the creation of the new me is to come back here. I am coming home to my blog with two purposes in mind. The first and most important is to start allowing myself to feel again. The second is that I hope to reawaken the passion that I used to have for writing. Writing was something that I enjoyed doing with all of my heart, it was one of those really good things that I lost. Maybe I am asking too much of my simple little blog but it is a start. I'm coming home.