Monday, December 27, 2010

Coming Home

When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror I didn't recognize the person who was looking back at me.  The past 10 months have changed me more than I ever imagined they would.  The person that I have become isn't necessarily bad by any means, but I don't know that person at all.  If I search deep down, I can find glimmers of who I was but those glimmers fade almost immediately after I locate them.

I am not going to say that "I" died when Wayne did because that isn't really what happened.  My death was slow and gradual.  I also can't really say that I didn't know it was happening, because there were points in the past 10 months where I tried to stop it.  If I look at the posts that I wrote after his death I can see that. But there came a point where I stopped fighting; I guess that I just subconsciously decided that I was going to stop rowing my boat and let the current take me where ever it had in mind. I gave up.

So, today I find myself sitting in my boat in the middle of a vast lake.  There are multiple rivers and streams that leave from this lake, but I am smack dab in the middle.  The current is gone and the only way that I can move is to take up my oars.  I must make the decision now; no one can make it for me.

I look at this opportunity as a positive thing in my life.  I get to create and be anyone that I want to be.  Through the process of letting myself go, I have been stripped down.  Yes, there were some really good things about myself that I lost, but there were some bad things that I lost as well.  With the choices that I make now, I get to rebuild.  Maybe I can even regain some of those really good things.

I stopped writing this blog and started another one when I started hiding my feelings from my family, and then I stopped blogging at all when I decided to stop feeling all together. So, the first step I have decided to make in the creation of the new me is to come back here.  I am coming home to my blog with two purposes in mind.  The first and most important is to start allowing myself to feel again. The second is that I hope to reawaken the passion that I used to have for writing.  Writing was something that I enjoyed doing with all of my heart, it was one of those really good things that I lost.  Maybe I am asking too much of my simple little blog but it is a start.  I'm coming home.


Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

I am so taken by your story. I would love to follow your new blog. I would love to learn strength from you and help support you on this journey. I know your husband is smiling down from above on you and your thoughts to "come home" and start a new that I know he will surely be proud of. HUGS

St. Rita's Roses said...

Hello, I am new to the blog world and I ran into your blog on "just being" comment wall. I was in tears when I read your story and feel so inspired by your courage and faith. God Bless you.

organize-n-mama said...

I love to read anything and everything you have to say. You make me cry, smile, and ponder everytime. I feel uplifted when we get to talk and I miss those nights. Glad you have come home to the blog. We have missed you.