On Christmas Day I decided to go through our budget and see what we would need to payoff if I were to stay home and raise a family. On Christmas Day I found out that we have managed to get ourselves into so much debt that we will be well beyond our child raising years by the time we can pay off those debts and save enough for an adoption. On Christmas Day my heart broke.
I spent the next week working through the emotions involved with realizing my dreams of having children are never going to happen. I went through the whole grieving process. I was angry with myself for letting this happen. I cried for each of the children I will never have. In the end, I felt at peace. I found peace in the knowledge that the Lord never gives us challenges that we are incapable of handling. If giving up my children is a sacrifice that I am being asked to make, then I will do it with my head held high and with a prayer of gratitude in my heart for all of the blessings that I have been given and will continue to receive.
On New Years Eve I received a text message stating that my newest nephew was born. I was surprised that I didn't feel any pangs of regret; I just kind of felt indifferent actually. We went to the hospital that night to see him. In the past I have always sat in the background until the baby is place in my arms by someone in the family who wants a picture of the little one with their aunt. Once the baby was in my arms I would do everything I could to avoid looking down into those little eyes. This time I walked into the hospital room and went straight to the baby. I wasn't going to let this get to me anymore.
When it came my turn to hold him I readily opened my arms and looked down into his precious little face. In that moment it would seem that he spoke to me. He reminded me of a promise that I was given many years ago in a blessing.
I remembered that I was promised children and so was my husband. We were both promised this long before we even met. I also know that the Lord never backs down on a promise. The promise he gave us was not given unconditionally, and neither my husband or I have managed to fulfill our ends of the deal. But, it isn't too late for us to rectify our errors and if we do I know that we will received our promised gift. I don't know how and I don't know when; but I do know that it will happen.