Friday, June 25, 2010

One of Lifes Most Important Lessons

I know that it has been quite a while, once again, since I posted last. I have had my ups and downs ever since my husband passed away. Good days and bad days; even good weeks and bad weeks. I have been doing much better over the past couple of months. I have kept up on reading everyone's blogs, but I just couldn't bring myself to writing anything because I didn't really feel like I had anything to say.

It has been four months and my life is so much different now that it was then. Everything has changed. I have been dealing with a lot of confusion. Part of me feels like I need to move on and that there is something out there for me that I need to focus on, but then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not giving Wayne the amount of time he deserves to be grieved for. Deep down, I know what I am supposed to do. I know what Wayne wants me to do; but is scares me. It scares me for multiple reasons which I won't get into right this moment, but someday I will.

On another note, I have discovered something about myself though that saddens me. I have gone through my life always looking for what comes next. I have never been satisfied with my life and I have never lived my life to the fullest. I was always thinking things like "when I have a child, I will be happy" or "when I loose weight, I will be happy." I was never happy with my life the way it was.

Wayne always did everything he could to try and make me happy. He always did everything he could to try and make me feel beautiful and make me feel loved. He would get frustrated because when he would tell me that I was beautiful, I would kind of shrug him off because I couldn't see it...or more like I wouldn't see it.

I am just now beginning to see what he was trying to show me all of those years. I look at all of the pictures that were taken of him...and there are a ton...and he was always so happy. He lived his life to the fullest no matter what his circumstances were. He never cared about whether he would look stupid in a picture or if someone would think he was being a "dork." Yes, he had dreams and he had a wish list of things that he wanted out of life, but at the same time he never let NOT having those things get in the way of his happiness. He was happy even though we had a messy house, a lot of debt, no children, and health problems....he was happy because we were together and he was confident in who he was.

I am starting to gain that confidence. I am starting to live for today. I am starting to see someone different in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I just wish that I had been able to see this and learn it while he was still here. It saddens me that it took him being taken away from me, to realize all of the blessings that I had and have. I think of all the things I missed out on. I know that he can see me changing now and that it makes him happy to see me finally "get it." For him, I won't let what could have been get in the way of what will be. For him, I promise to start living my life to the fullest today...not tomorrow. I can be happy with who I am and with what I have; I learned it from the best teacher my Heavenly Father could have ever given me.


the misfit said...

It's so good to hear from you again. And of course I teared up reading this. I'm so amazed by your strength. And by the beauty of your continuing relationship with your husband. I know I don't appreciate enough the things I have - it's so easy to get stuck in the things that are hard. Your witness of living joyfully through suffering is incredible. Will keep on praying for you!

organize-n-mama said...

Ok my wonderful sister-n-law I am crying...and shaking my head at the same time. I AGREE. Not just for you but for me. I to will try to listen when my husband says I am beautiful because I too usually disagree with him. I tend to apologize to him for not having a trophy wife. I am so glad you posted this. Love ya :O)

Christine Dallimore said...

I have missed you!!! I am so glad you have posted this. I do think we all have those moments where we don't accept ourselves for the way we "think" we are. Or we try to live for the next moment thinking we will be "happier when..." I am SO guilty of both of those things. I do love your strength, honesty and great attitude. I also think you are right that your sweetheart is looking over you, being so happy with the progress you are making. I can't wait to hear of your future plans!!! I'm sure what you were talking about is scary. Change always is...just remember the opposite of fear is faith. Fear is just FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL!!!

Love ya girl!!!

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

I am new to your blog. I saw your post on Misfit and thought to look into you. I am just learning your story but can already tell the strength which with you have been blessed. Wow. I am going to keep reading. I look forward to getting to know you. I am so proud of your thought of becoming a new for your Wayne. I know he is smiling down hearing you and all these positive thoughts. Just what he wants:)