Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Fork in My Road

There is no possible way for me to express what is going through my mind and my heart right now. This past week has been an extremely hard one full of heart ache, tears, and memories.

Early Tuesday morning (one week prior to our 8th anniversary) I lost the love of my life. He developed a large blood clot that became trapped in his lung and his heart was not able to keep up long enough for the E.R. doctors to do anything about it. I feel like I lost a piece of my soul that day. We had grown so close in the 8 years that we were given together. It almost felt like every breath we took was synchronized. We were perfect for each other. He made up for all of my weaknesses with his strengths. I love him more than I can express. I used to hold up a single finger and tell him that I loved him that much because that was the only way I could touch the universe; he would reply by holding up five fingers and telling me that he loved me five times more than that.

I think that during the past 8 years we began to loose site of the importance of our temple marriage. We knew that we had done the right thing and that we would be blessed because of it, but I don't think we really fully recognised what those blessings were. Today I am so grateful that we took that step and were sealed together for eternity in the temple. That knowledge is one of the major factors that is getting me through this.

Yesterday, as I stood next to him in preparation for the closing of the casket I made a promise to him. I told him that I will do everything in my power to live the rest of my life in a way that will leave no question as to whether I will be worthy to stand by his side when the time comes for us to be together again. I told him that I will make sure that the things we took for granted and the things we didn't do that we should have while we were together, will never be taken for granted again as long I live.

I plan on continuing this blog, but it will obviously be taking on a new direction. Gone are the days were infertility rules my every waking thought. There will be no more infertility treatments and no more plans of adoption. Instead there will just be the struggles, challenges, and achievements of a 29 year old widow.

15 comments:

Kristie said...

Oh no! I am so very sorry for your loss. I am heartbroken for you. Your post was beautifully written, what a wonderful testament to your husband. May you find the strength and peace that you need during this difficult time. Hugs and prayers to you.

Christine Dallimore said...

No, No, No.... Oh my heavens. I am not sure of what to say right now because I know no matter what I say will be of little comfort at this time. All I know is that no matter what "He loveth His children; nevertheless I do not know the meaning of all things."
2 Nephi 11:17. Remeber that He loves you...as do so many others. Know that my heart aches for you, tears are being shed in your behalf, prayers are being sent your way. If you EVER need to talk, my email is
chrisylee12@hotmail.com I will always be here if you EVER need or want to talk. Ohhh, I SO WISH I could give you a giant hug right now. Please, please, please let me know if there is anything I can do.....

Tiffany said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
With much love,
Tiff

Laura said...

Sending prayers your way.

Erika said...

I'm praying for you! So greatful you have the knowledge of the gospel and your eternal marriage to carry you through. I am so so very sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you to have the strength and courage and peace you need to get through the journey you have ahead of you.

Lynn said...

I hope you don't mind us dropping in like this. We are over here from "We are all mothers" Christine's blog.

Are hearts are aching for you. Please know that we will certainly keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Your thoughts on your post today certainly inspired us to think about the future and what it all means. The gospel. Why we are here. And the sadness that we must bear somedays. We are so grateful that that you have also inspired and reminded us of the hope that there is. The joy in the Plan of Salvation and the blessing of the knowledge of Families are Forever.

HUGS!!!!!! We are truly sorry for your loss. May the memories you shared together live on forever.

Secret D said...

I cannot believe it. Your post has really shocked me. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and will continue to go through. My thoughts are with you and your family at this extremely difficult time. I wish you all the best for the future, you deserve so much more than this.

Ashley said...

You're in my prayers. I'm so sorry.

~Shauna~ said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I found your blog through Feigning Infertility. I can't imagine losing my husband. My prayers are with you!

Christine Dallimore said...

Hey...I am giving you a $50 gift certificate to The R House Couture. I thought maybe you could design a meaningful necklace to help keep you and your hubby's love and memory alive. I know this is coming at a bad time since it is your anniversary and all....but please consider it as a gift not from me....but from your beloved sweetheart. I do need your email though to email you your gift certificate!!! When you are feeling up to it, just send me your email to the address in my last comment! I adore you...I hope you know that...I am continuing to pray for you....I'm here for you.....

Our Ohana said...

You do not know me and I do not know your story. I do not know what you have gone through in your past or anything about you. But, I CAN empathize with what you're going through right now.

Back in August I lost my husband of 5 years. I want you to know that I can be there for you for WHATEVER you need. It doesn't matter what it is. If it's a silly question that you just don't know who to ask, if it's someone to vent to, if it's someone to get you out of the house ... I don't care - I can do it. I've been there, done all of this and I KNOW the feelings and emotions and stresses that you have gone through and will go through.

You can contact me ANYTIME:

email: haban.family (at) gmail (dot) com

blog: kamandjami.blogspot.com

I am living in Utah, did I see that on your profile you are also?

Please do not hesitate to contact me - please.

My heart goes out to you right now and hope that somehow, someway you can find the peace you need.

Jeannette said...

There is something to be said about the power of friends. You don't know me, but I am here through Christine. I now know you...at least a the part that brought me to you. My head is reeling at your loss...my heart aching for you. My prayers are for you. After reading your post I feel the Lord is with you. Through your words you seem strong enough to get through this and I am hoping you have family and friends around to lean on when it seems too much to bear from time to time. I am not even sure how to put into words what I want to say because I don't even know what to say. I just want you to know I am thinking of you and will be praying you will be able to hang onto that promise you made your sweetheart as you said your goodbyes. He will be waiting...he loves you. He is preparing for a better time for the both of you together.

CASSIE said...

"Through tears and trials, through fears and sorrows, through the heartache and loneliness of losing loved ones, there is assurance that life is everlasting. Our Lord and Savior is the living witness that such is so."
-Thomas S. Monson

I am so sorry for your loss... Truly I am. Please know that you are dearly loved, and are thought of from a far! My prayers are with you at this time...

{Hugs} from another sister & friend in the Gospel!
♥ ♥ ♥

Kirsti said...

I also found your blog from Christine's and wanted to tell you I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine loosing my husband, and I'm so sorry you had to. I've read back a few posts and can tell you have been fighting a battle for awhile and must really be a strong person. The Lord does not give us trials we can't handle and he must know you are able because you have been given so many trials. I wish I could come hug you (even though I don't know you!)
My husband's gma just passed away and I loved what their Bishop shared at her funeral. "If there was no mourning in death, there'd be no love in life." We are so blessed to know that celestial marriage means you and your husband will be together forever. This life is just a fraction of time in eternity.
Once again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could help someone and hope these words bring some comfort.
We are mindful of you and praying for you!

Hev said...

I know I don't know you at all but I hurt for you and want you to know that you are in my prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone!