Monday, May 16, 2011

No More Waiting...

I have spent my entire life letting other people save me, protect me, and take care of me.  I lived with my mom until after I was 19.  When I left her home I moved in with my brother for a few months. Seeking some freedom I then moved into my own apartment...epic fail.  I got involved in stuff that I had no business getting involved with.  I wasn't smart with my money and immediately got behind on my bills and dropped out of college.  As the going started to get tough and I was beginning to start wondering what I was going to do I met Wayne.  He swept into my life and he made everything better.  We still had problems on and off throughout our marriage.  There were money issues and life challenges that we faced but he always held me up and helped me through.

After Wayne passed away, I moved up to the Layton area to be close to his family.  Even though I got an apartment of my own, I still relied on them a lot to help get me through emotionally.  His parents even helped some financially.  Even though I felt like I had suddenly found myself out in the world alone, I wasn't.  My family was still supporting me, protecting me, and taking care of me.

Then, I moved out here to Indiana.  I suddenly didn't have anyone that I could lean on other than myself.  Sure, I can call family and they will still bail me out of trouble if I need them too.  But, more than ever before, I am having to depend on myself.  I have to stand on my own two feet.  I came to the realization this weekend that I have been, not so much rebelling against this fact, but I haven't been doing it either.  Instead of growing and learning how to take care of myself, I have been sitting here waiting for someone to come and take care of me.  I have been doing the basic things needed for survival, but as much as I have talked about the Butterfly Project and other things, in reality I have failed those things because I was waiting for someone to come along that would help me.  I didn't/don't know how to do it on my own.  I've never before had to take care of myself.  I guess it is about time that I put on my big girl pants and learned...

No comments: