Humble Pie

Last year, when 2010 started, there were several times throughout January and February that I would write the date as 2011 on accident. I would joke around and say "apparently 2010 is going to suck, and I am just trying to skip it."  It was all fun and games until my life was turned completely upside down at the end of February.

As everything in my life started falling apart, I developed a very close relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I could feel his spirit and his presence around me all of the time.  I could feel his promptings so clearly that it was almost like I could hear his voice.  I developed a very clear knowledge of what it is like to have a prayer in your heart all of the time.

As the days following Wayne's death turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I was still being dealt blow after blow.  I lost my home, my car, my job, and I had to move across the country leaving my family and the majority of my possessions behind.  Somewhere in there, I also lost that really close relationship with my Heavenly Father that I grown to treasure more than anything else.  I thought that he was stepping back and forcing me to stand on my own two feet, proving to me that I really did have the strength to endure. I resented it and I grew very hateful toward the year 2010 and I couldn't wait for 2011 to finally get here.

I stopped living and started just breathing.  Day after day I would get up, go to work, come home and go to bed.  I had no motivation to do anything else.  I would occasionally try to break out and do something different, but I kept falling back into the same old routine; sleep...work...sleep...work.  I just kept telling myself that if I could make it to 2011 I would be fine.

Yesterday, I woke up to 2011 and I had a new energy in my step.  I looked around my room and said "holy cow, I haven't even finished getting unpacked from when I moved here."  I looked in the mirror and said "holy cow, what have you done to yourself."  I look like I have aged 5 or 10 years in the past 6 months.  I felt like an old furnace that was just kicking in after having it's pilot light re-lit.

This morning, I woke up and thanked 2011 for bringing me back to life.  I started to gain hope for my future.  I felt like 2011 was the key; that this year is going to be so much better.  I opened up my computer and started to write this post about my new hope.  But, every time that I started to write, it just felt wrong.  I would delete and start again.  And then it happened.  It started as a little nagging thought in the back of my head that grew and grew until it was a fully formed realization....I had removed my faith from my Heavenly Father and placed it in the beginning of a new year.  Somewhere along the way I stopped leaning on him and asking him to help me and I started hanging on to the notion that 2011 would be my saving grace.  My Heavenly Father didn't leave me to learn to fight my trials on my own like I had thought, I had pushed him away.  I turned my back on him.

The next realization that I had was that this feeling I am having right now...that feeling of hope and awakening... was offered to me months ago;  I just never accepted it.  I was so focused on 2011 bringing me happiness that I didn't even notice that it was being handed to me on a silver platter, all I had to do was partake and it was mine.  I never took into account that Heavenly Father's time line doesn't work the same way that ours does.  He doesn't dole out blessings or his love based on the calendar year.  My trials had nothing to do with 2010 or 2011. 

So I now sit here eating my humble pie, and in a few minutes I will be on my knees.  Who would have thought that the calender could become a false idol?

Empty Arms

Last year at this time, I sat in the arms of a man who loved me and thought that I was beautiful.  Our goals for the new year held hope for our future together.  We spoke of getting our health in order and of finding a way to have children some day. We talked about our jobs and finding a way to obtain a better financial outlook.  We even made plans of writing a book together.  Our dreams and our plans were entwined together; two people planing their future as one.

Today, I sit alone in the arms of no one.  The sky outside my window is dark.  A fog rests over the ground and the window is spotted by lightly falling rain. I will be sitting here, in this same spot tonight as the year draws it's final breath and moves on to the next.  Gone is the man who loved me and thought I was beautiful.  Gone are the dreams of having children of my own.

Deep down somewhere inside I know that there is a reason why I have been asked to endure these trials and this pain, but I can't tell you what that reason is because I have yet to find out for myself.  I can tell you though, that immediately after I wrote that second paragraph, the sun burst through the clouds and the fog outside started to lift.  Some people may call that an odd coincidence...I call it a sign.  Through all of these trials I have never once felt unloved by my Heavenly Father.

I want to share with you a slide show that I made last year a few weeks before Christmas.  At the time I was grieving for the children that I hadn't yet been blessed with. All I wanted was to have a child of my own that I could share the wonders of Christmas with.  I found comfort in the words of the song, and even though I have now had my wonderful husband taken from me as well, I am still able to find some comfort here.  The song is called Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby by Michael McLean.  The pictures are all taken by me (except for the few that have me in them). I hope that maybe, it can bring some comfort to someone else who's arms are aching this New Years Eve.

Coming Home

When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror I didn't recognize the person who was looking back at me.  The past 10 months have changed me more than I ever imagined they would.  The person that I have become isn't necessarily bad by any means, but I don't know that person at all.  If I search deep down, I can find glimmers of who I was but those glimmers fade almost immediately after I locate them.

I am not going to say that "I" died when Wayne did because that isn't really what happened.  My death was slow and gradual.  I also can't really say that I didn't know it was happening, because there were points in the past 10 months where I tried to stop it.  If I look at the posts that I wrote after his death I can see that. But there came a point where I stopped fighting; I guess that I just subconsciously decided that I was going to stop rowing my boat and let the current take me where ever it had in mind. I gave up.

So, today I find myself sitting in my boat in the middle of a vast lake.  There are multiple rivers and streams that leave from this lake, but I am smack dab in the middle.  The current is gone and the only way that I can move is to take up my oars.  I must make the decision now; no one can make it for me.

I look at this opportunity as a positive thing in my life.  I get to create and be anyone that I want to be.  Through the process of letting myself go, I have been stripped down.  Yes, there were some really good things about myself that I lost, but there were some bad things that I lost as well.  With the choices that I make now, I get to rebuild.  Maybe I can even regain some of those really good things.

I stopped writing this blog and started another one when I started hiding my feelings from my family, and then I stopped blogging at all when I decided to stop feeling all together. So, the first step I have decided to make in the creation of the new me is to come back here.  I am coming home to my blog with two purposes in mind.  The first and most important is to start allowing myself to feel again. The second is that I hope to reawaken the passion that I used to have for writing.  Writing was something that I enjoyed doing with all of my heart, it was one of those really good things that I lost.  Maybe I am asking too much of my simple little blog but it is a start.  I'm coming home.

Goodbye

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and this blog just doesn't seem to fit who I am anymore. When ever I come here, I remember the me from what seems so long ago. I have changed so much since I first started this blog. My life is on a completely different path than it once was. Every time that I try to write a post here, it just doesn't seem to fit. It feels wrong. So, I have decided not to keep it going. I will keep it up for the time being, but I won't be adding to it. I may or may not keep writing, but it won't be here. If you are interested in still following me and my story, then let me know in the comments. If I do start a new blog, then I will let you know where to find it.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and has supported me through my struggles. I appreciate each and every one of you.