Monday, February 28, 2011

What does it all mean?

The night before last I had a dream that I have been unable to shake.  It was so unsettling and I keep thinking that there is something in it that I was supposed to learn or to hear.  I can't figure out if it is my subconscious trying to tell me about something that I am repressing or if it was Wayne himself trying to tell me something through a dream.  Maybe it really was nothing, but it sure doesn't feel like nothing.

Wayne came to visit me here in Indy.  I don't remember what he came for; I almost think it was a funeral.  But he came to be with me and to support me.  The morning that he was supposed to leave he missed his flight.  I was so worried about him not getting back home. We got in the car and drove to a place where he could see if they would let him change his ticket for another flight the same day.  He went into the store and I stayed in the car, parked across the street.  I saw him come out and he called me on my cell phone.  He told me that they had given him a ticket for a flight that left in 30 minutes.  I told him that I couldn't get him to the airport in time so he needed to go back and ask for something different.  I could see him standing on the corner, but for some reason I drove away and went to another place to try and figure something out so that I could get him back home.  After I had talked to the lady at the new place I called him.  He was so sad and hurt that I had left him.  He told me that he had just decided to walk.  But not only that; the place he had walked to was the condo where we lived at the time he passed away.  I remember asking him how he got in because it has been sold and he told me that someone was there that let him in.  I was suddenly overcome with such sadness and guilt for leaving him standing on that corner all alone.  I remember pleading with him over the phone asking him to forgive me.  Then I told him that I loved him....and he didn't reply...the line just went dead.

The only thing that I can think of is that either I am feeling like I have abandoned him or he thinks I have.  Either way it is definitely something that I need to work though; I just don't know how...

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