I fell off the wagon again. I have recently awoken to the knowledge that once again I allowed myself to fall into the trap of "eat, sleep, work." My room is a disaster, I haven't lost any weight, I have lost more hair that I care to admit to, and I have been called "sir" so many times in the past few weeks that I am beginning to really wonder...
I think the combination of PCOS, grief and stress has taken it's toll on me over the past year. My PCOS has gone into overdrive. I was loosing my hair before but not like I am now. I have also gotten to the point where I have to shave my beard and mustache off ever flippin' morning where before I only had to do it once or twice a week. I look in the mirror and see someone who has aged a good 10+ years over the past 12 months. Something has got to give; I can't keep living like this.
In an effort to pick myself up and dust myself off I gave myself a pedicure last night. Painted my toenails and everything. Then, I couldn't just let it go at that so I had to pain my fingernails too. I also found a really cute pair of sandals that I can wear to work or on the weekend. Decidedly girlie.
Tomorrow I plan to start doing my makeup again and I will get back on track with my medications. With any luck the hair loss isn't permanent and I can reverse it, otherwise I may just have to go wig shopping before too long...oh how I wish I was joking.
I really miss Wayne. I took him for granted in a lot of ways that I am only now beginning to see. I miss the way that I never had to dress up or do my make up in order to feel pretty or feminine when he was around. All I had to do was look into his eyes as he looked at me and I automatically felt loved, adored, wanted...beautiful. He treated me and made me feel like a woman. No one ever called me "sir" when I was with him.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
What does it all mean?
The night before last I had a dream that I have been unable to shake. It was so unsettling and I keep thinking that there is something in it that I was supposed to learn or to hear. I can't figure out if it is my subconscious trying to tell me about something that I am repressing or if it was Wayne himself trying to tell me something through a dream. Maybe it really was nothing, but it sure doesn't feel like nothing.
Wayne came to visit me here in Indy. I don't remember what he came for; I almost think it was a funeral. But he came to be with me and to support me. The morning that he was supposed to leave he missed his flight. I was so worried about him not getting back home. We got in the car and drove to a place where he could see if they would let him change his ticket for another flight the same day. He went into the store and I stayed in the car, parked across the street. I saw him come out and he called me on my cell phone. He told me that they had given him a ticket for a flight that left in 30 minutes. I told him that I couldn't get him to the airport in time so he needed to go back and ask for something different. I could see him standing on the corner, but for some reason I drove away and went to another place to try and figure something out so that I could get him back home. After I had talked to the lady at the new place I called him. He was so sad and hurt that I had left him. He told me that he had just decided to walk. But not only that; the place he had walked to was the condo where we lived at the time he passed away. I remember asking him how he got in because it has been sold and he told me that someone was there that let him in. I was suddenly overcome with such sadness and guilt for leaving him standing on that corner all alone. I remember pleading with him over the phone asking him to forgive me. Then I told him that I loved him....and he didn't reply...the line just went dead.
The only thing that I can think of is that either I am feeling like I have abandoned him or he thinks I have. Either way it is definitely something that I need to work though; I just don't know how...
Wayne came to visit me here in Indy. I don't remember what he came for; I almost think it was a funeral. But he came to be with me and to support me. The morning that he was supposed to leave he missed his flight. I was so worried about him not getting back home. We got in the car and drove to a place where he could see if they would let him change his ticket for another flight the same day. He went into the store and I stayed in the car, parked across the street. I saw him come out and he called me on my cell phone. He told me that they had given him a ticket for a flight that left in 30 minutes. I told him that I couldn't get him to the airport in time so he needed to go back and ask for something different. I could see him standing on the corner, but for some reason I drove away and went to another place to try and figure something out so that I could get him back home. After I had talked to the lady at the new place I called him. He was so sad and hurt that I had left him. He told me that he had just decided to walk. But not only that; the place he had walked to was the condo where we lived at the time he passed away. I remember asking him how he got in because it has been sold and he told me that someone was there that let him in. I was suddenly overcome with such sadness and guilt for leaving him standing on that corner all alone. I remember pleading with him over the phone asking him to forgive me. Then I told him that I loved him....and he didn't reply...the line just went dead.
The only thing that I can think of is that either I am feeling like I have abandoned him or he thinks I have. Either way it is definitely something that I need to work though; I just don't know how...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
One Year
Exactly one year ago tonight I went to bed with my husband curled up by my side, without the slightest indication that my life would change forever in a matter of hours.
Tonight part of me just wants to curl up under the covers, close my eyes, and get this night over with. While another part, keeps holding on to the hope that somehow, some way, he will find a way to let me know that he is with me tonight. If I stay up just a little bit longer, maybe I will feel his touch or hear his voice just one more time.
I have so many friends and family members who have given me their love and support over this past year, yet there is still only one pair of arms that I crave. One pair of arms that, if wrapped around me, would make all of my fears and sadness go away. One pair of arms that I miss more than anything. The one pair of arms that I can no longer have.
Tonight part of me just wants to curl up under the covers, close my eyes, and get this night over with. While another part, keeps holding on to the hope that somehow, some way, he will find a way to let me know that he is with me tonight. If I stay up just a little bit longer, maybe I will feel his touch or hear his voice just one more time.
I have so many friends and family members who have given me their love and support over this past year, yet there is still only one pair of arms that I crave. One pair of arms that, if wrapped around me, would make all of my fears and sadness go away. One pair of arms that I miss more than anything. The one pair of arms that I can no longer have.
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