Empty Arms

Last year at this time, I sat in the arms of a man who loved me and thought that I was beautiful.  Our goals for the new year held hope for our future together.  We spoke of getting our health in order and of finding a way to have children some day. We talked about our jobs and finding a way to obtain a better financial outlook.  We even made plans of writing a book together.  Our dreams and our plans were entwined together; two people planing their future as one.

Today, I sit alone in the arms of no one.  The sky outside my window is dark.  A fog rests over the ground and the window is spotted by lightly falling rain. I will be sitting here, in this same spot tonight as the year draws it's final breath and moves on to the next.  Gone is the man who loved me and thought I was beautiful.  Gone are the dreams of having children of my own.

Deep down somewhere inside I know that there is a reason why I have been asked to endure these trials and this pain, but I can't tell you what that reason is because I have yet to find out for myself.  I can tell you though, that immediately after I wrote that second paragraph, the sun burst through the clouds and the fog outside started to lift.  Some people may call that an odd coincidence...I call it a sign.  Through all of these trials I have never once felt unloved by my Heavenly Father.

I want to share with you a slide show that I made last year a few weeks before Christmas.  At the time I was grieving for the children that I hadn't yet been blessed with. All I wanted was to have a child of my own that I could share the wonders of Christmas with.  I found comfort in the words of the song, and even though I have now had my wonderful husband taken from me as well, I am still able to find some comfort here.  The song is called Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby by Michael McLean.  The pictures are all taken by me (except for the few that have me in them). I hope that maybe, it can bring some comfort to someone else who's arms are aching this New Years Eve.

Coming Home

When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror I didn't recognize the person who was looking back at me.  The past 10 months have changed me more than I ever imagined they would.  The person that I have become isn't necessarily bad by any means, but I don't know that person at all.  If I search deep down, I can find glimmers of who I was but those glimmers fade almost immediately after I locate them.

I am not going to say that "I" died when Wayne did because that isn't really what happened.  My death was slow and gradual.  I also can't really say that I didn't know it was happening, because there were points in the past 10 months where I tried to stop it.  If I look at the posts that I wrote after his death I can see that. But there came a point where I stopped fighting; I guess that I just subconsciously decided that I was going to stop rowing my boat and let the current take me where ever it had in mind. I gave up.

So, today I find myself sitting in my boat in the middle of a vast lake.  There are multiple rivers and streams that leave from this lake, but I am smack dab in the middle.  The current is gone and the only way that I can move is to take up my oars.  I must make the decision now; no one can make it for me.

I look at this opportunity as a positive thing in my life.  I get to create and be anyone that I want to be.  Through the process of letting myself go, I have been stripped down.  Yes, there were some really good things about myself that I lost, but there were some bad things that I lost as well.  With the choices that I make now, I get to rebuild.  Maybe I can even regain some of those really good things.

I stopped writing this blog and started another one when I started hiding my feelings from my family, and then I stopped blogging at all when I decided to stop feeling all together. So, the first step I have decided to make in the creation of the new me is to come back here.  I am coming home to my blog with two purposes in mind.  The first and most important is to start allowing myself to feel again. The second is that I hope to reawaken the passion that I used to have for writing.  Writing was something that I enjoyed doing with all of my heart, it was one of those really good things that I lost.  Maybe I am asking too much of my simple little blog but it is a start.  I'm coming home.

Goodbye

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and this blog just doesn't seem to fit who I am anymore. When ever I come here, I remember the me from what seems so long ago. I have changed so much since I first started this blog. My life is on a completely different path than it once was. Every time that I try to write a post here, it just doesn't seem to fit. It feels wrong. So, I have decided not to keep it going. I will keep it up for the time being, but I won't be adding to it. I may or may not keep writing, but it won't be here. If you are interested in still following me and my story, then let me know in the comments. If I do start a new blog, then I will let you know where to find it.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and has supported me through my struggles. I appreciate each and every one of you.

One of Lifes Most Important Lessons

I know that it has been quite a while, once again, since I posted last. I have had my ups and downs ever since my husband passed away. Good days and bad days; even good weeks and bad weeks. I have been doing much better over the past couple of months. I have kept up on reading everyone's blogs, but I just couldn't bring myself to writing anything because I didn't really feel like I had anything to say.

It has been four months and my life is so much different now that it was then. Everything has changed. I have been dealing with a lot of confusion. Part of me feels like I need to move on and that there is something out there for me that I need to focus on, but then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not giving Wayne the amount of time he deserves to be grieved for. Deep down, I know what I am supposed to do. I know what Wayne wants me to do; but is scares me. It scares me for multiple reasons which I won't get into right this moment, but someday I will.

On another note, I have discovered something about myself though that saddens me. I have gone through my life always looking for what comes next. I have never been satisfied with my life and I have never lived my life to the fullest. I was always thinking things like "when I have a child, I will be happy" or "when I loose weight, I will be happy." I was never happy with my life the way it was.

Wayne always did everything he could to try and make me happy. He always did everything he could to try and make me feel beautiful and make me feel loved. He would get frustrated because when he would tell me that I was beautiful, I would kind of shrug him off because I couldn't see it...or more like I wouldn't see it.

I am just now beginning to see what he was trying to show me all of those years. I look at all of the pictures that were taken of him...and there are a ton...and he was always so happy. He lived his life to the fullest no matter what his circumstances were. He never cared about whether he would look stupid in a picture or if someone would think he was being a "dork." Yes, he had dreams and he had a wish list of things that he wanted out of life, but at the same time he never let NOT having those things get in the way of his happiness. He was happy even though we had a messy house, a lot of debt, no children, and health problems....he was happy because we were together and he was confident in who he was.

I am starting to gain that confidence. I am starting to live for today. I am starting to see someone different in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I just wish that I had been able to see this and learn it while he was still here. It saddens me that it took him being taken away from me, to realize all of the blessings that I had and have. I think of all the things I missed out on. I know that he can see me changing now and that it makes him happy to see me finally "get it." For him, I won't let what could have been get in the way of what will be. For him, I promise to start living my life to the fullest today...not tomorrow. I can be happy with who I am and with what I have; I learned it from the best teacher my Heavenly Father could have ever given me.