The night that Wayne passed away I called the bishop over to our house to give him a blessing. In the blessing the bishop clearly stated that the doctors hands would be blessed and that Wayne would heal over the next few weeks. Shortly after that, we called 911 and the ambulance came and picked him up. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped as they were unloading him from the ambulance at the hospital and he never regained consciousness.
In time I was able to feel some peace with why he had to go. I was given little messages that let me know he was needed on the other side and that it had been his time to go. But, I have really struggled on and off wondering why our Heavenly Father had lied to us both in that blessing. I have been told that there are many interpretations of blessings and we often hear what we want to hear rather than what the true meaning is, but this blessing was so clear and precise that no matter how hard I tried I hadn't been able to come up with a single interpretation other than the obvious one....he had lied.
For the most part, I have been able to put this out of my mind. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and Wayne and that if he lied he had a very good reason to do it. But, every once in a while the thoughts creep out of my mind and I have to examine them once again before I can put them away for the next time. One of these times happened this morning while I was getting ready for work....only this time instead of having to hide it away again I was blessed with an answer to my question.
When Wayne was given that blessing, he already knew that he wasn't going to make it. He already knew that he was being called home. I think in some ways he asked for that blessing more for my sake than his own. He was so sick that he couldn't speak and he couldn't tell me what I needed to know. He didn't want to leave me or his family. He wanted to stay and it broke his heart that he was being asked to leave even though he knew that there were great blessing waiting for him on the other side.
The doctors hands were blessed. They worked so hard to help him and just because they weren't able to bring him back doesn't mean that they failed in doing what they were meant to do. And he did heal over the next few weeks, only in a different way than I had interpreted the blessing to mean. It took time for him to come to terms with the fact that he had to leave us all behind and move on without us. He didn't want to see his family hurting and it hurt him to have to stand by and watch as we struggled through our loss and not be able to hold us and tell us that it would all be okay. He was grieving just as much as we were, if not more. We only lost one member of our family...he lost us all. But he has come to terms with his loss and he is working really hard on the other side of the veil, waiting for the day when we can all be together again.
That blessing was 100% truth...Heavenly Father doesn't lie.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
An Eternal Butterfly
Shortly after my husband passed away I started to feel like I was losing control of everything in my life. During one of my very hard days, I was given this image of a butterfly. The image brought with it the idea that through my trials I was being turned into an Eternal Butterfly. I embraced this image, as you can see from the title of my blog, and have used it as a sort of life line.
Over the past year, the idea that came with the image of the Eternal Butterfly, has evolved. I have come to realize that my Heavenly Father is not himself turning me into the butterfly, he is only providing me with the tools I need in order to change myself into the butterfly. It was a foreign concept to me and I am only just beginning to realize how I am supposed to start going about it.
Throughout my life, I have always been told that it isn't what is on the outside that matters, it is what is on the inside that counts. While I am still a firm believer that this is true, I am beginning to understand that both the inside and the outside have a direct impact on each other. The people who are most successful in life are the ones who are able to merge the two and become one. The process is very much like the creation of a butterfly. You first have the caterpillar (the inside) and the cocoon (the outside). When the circumstances are just right, these two things together create the butterfly.
I have begun to realize that I have focused the majority of my life's efforts on the caterpillar and not much on the cocoon. The caterpillar is getting extremely anxious and is ready to go, but the cocoon is much too weak to turn the caterpillar into a butterfly. So, for the next little while I will be focusing much more attention on the cocoon. Some of the things I do for the cocoon may seem fairly silly to people on the outside (like starting to wear makeup which I have never been really that much into), but if those things make the caterpillar happy, then who am I to deny it one of those simple little pleasures?
Over the past year, the idea that came with the image of the Eternal Butterfly, has evolved. I have come to realize that my Heavenly Father is not himself turning me into the butterfly, he is only providing me with the tools I need in order to change myself into the butterfly. It was a foreign concept to me and I am only just beginning to realize how I am supposed to start going about it.
Throughout my life, I have always been told that it isn't what is on the outside that matters, it is what is on the inside that counts. While I am still a firm believer that this is true, I am beginning to understand that both the inside and the outside have a direct impact on each other. The people who are most successful in life are the ones who are able to merge the two and become one. The process is very much like the creation of a butterfly. You first have the caterpillar (the inside) and the cocoon (the outside). When the circumstances are just right, these two things together create the butterfly.
I have begun to realize that I have focused the majority of my life's efforts on the caterpillar and not much on the cocoon. The caterpillar is getting extremely anxious and is ready to go, but the cocoon is much too weak to turn the caterpillar into a butterfly. So, for the next little while I will be focusing much more attention on the cocoon. Some of the things I do for the cocoon may seem fairly silly to people on the outside (like starting to wear makeup which I have never been really that much into), but if those things make the caterpillar happy, then who am I to deny it one of those simple little pleasures?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Humble Pie
Last year, when 2010 started, there were several times throughout January and February that I would write the date as 2011 on accident. I would joke around and say "apparently 2010 is going to suck, and I am just trying to skip it." It was all fun and games until my life was turned completely upside down at the end of February.
As everything in my life started falling apart, I developed a very close relationship with my Heavenly Father. I could feel his spirit and his presence around me all of the time. I could feel his promptings so clearly that it was almost like I could hear his voice. I developed a very clear knowledge of what it is like to have a prayer in your heart all of the time.
As the days following Wayne's death turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I was still being dealt blow after blow. I lost my home, my car, my job, and I had to move across the country leaving my family and the majority of my possessions behind. Somewhere in there, I also lost that really close relationship with my Heavenly Father that I grown to treasure more than anything else. I thought that he was stepping back and forcing me to stand on my own two feet, proving to me that I really did have the strength to endure. I resented it and I grew very hateful toward the year 2010 and I couldn't wait for 2011 to finally get here.
I stopped living and started just breathing. Day after day I would get up, go to work, come home and go to bed. I had no motivation to do anything else. I would occasionally try to break out and do something different, but I kept falling back into the same old routine; sleep...work...sleep...work. I just kept telling myself that if I could make it to 2011 I would be fine.
Yesterday, I woke up to 2011 and I had a new energy in my step. I looked around my room and said "holy cow, I haven't even finished getting unpacked from when I moved here." I looked in the mirror and said "holy cow, what have you done to yourself." I look like I have aged 5 or 10 years in the past 6 months. I felt like an old furnace that was just kicking in after having it's pilot light re-lit.
This morning, I woke up and thanked 2011 for bringing me back to life. I started to gain hope for my future. I felt like 2011 was the key; that this year is going to be so much better. I opened up my computer and started to write this post about my new hope. But, every time that I started to write, it just felt wrong. I would delete and start again. And then it happened. It started as a little nagging thought in the back of my head that grew and grew until it was a fully formed realization....I had removed my faith from my Heavenly Father and placed it in the beginning of a new year. Somewhere along the way I stopped leaning on him and asking him to help me and I started hanging on to the notion that 2011 would be my saving grace. My Heavenly Father didn't leave me to learn to fight my trials on my own like I had thought, I had pushed him away. I turned my back on him.
The next realization that I had was that this feeling I am having right now...that feeling of hope and awakening... was offered to me months ago; I just never accepted it. I was so focused on 2011 bringing me happiness that I didn't even notice that it was being handed to me on a silver platter, all I had to do was partake and it was mine. I never took into account that Heavenly Father's time line doesn't work the same way that ours does. He doesn't dole out blessings or his love based on the calendar year. My trials had nothing to do with 2010 or 2011.
So I now sit here eating my humble pie, and in a few minutes I will be on my knees. Who would have thought that the calender could become a false idol?
As everything in my life started falling apart, I developed a very close relationship with my Heavenly Father. I could feel his spirit and his presence around me all of the time. I could feel his promptings so clearly that it was almost like I could hear his voice. I developed a very clear knowledge of what it is like to have a prayer in your heart all of the time.
As the days following Wayne's death turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I was still being dealt blow after blow. I lost my home, my car, my job, and I had to move across the country leaving my family and the majority of my possessions behind. Somewhere in there, I also lost that really close relationship with my Heavenly Father that I grown to treasure more than anything else. I thought that he was stepping back and forcing me to stand on my own two feet, proving to me that I really did have the strength to endure. I resented it and I grew very hateful toward the year 2010 and I couldn't wait for 2011 to finally get here.
I stopped living and started just breathing. Day after day I would get up, go to work, come home and go to bed. I had no motivation to do anything else. I would occasionally try to break out and do something different, but I kept falling back into the same old routine; sleep...work...sleep...work. I just kept telling myself that if I could make it to 2011 I would be fine.
Yesterday, I woke up to 2011 and I had a new energy in my step. I looked around my room and said "holy cow, I haven't even finished getting unpacked from when I moved here." I looked in the mirror and said "holy cow, what have you done to yourself." I look like I have aged 5 or 10 years in the past 6 months. I felt like an old furnace that was just kicking in after having it's pilot light re-lit.
This morning, I woke up and thanked 2011 for bringing me back to life. I started to gain hope for my future. I felt like 2011 was the key; that this year is going to be so much better. I opened up my computer and started to write this post about my new hope. But, every time that I started to write, it just felt wrong. I would delete and start again. And then it happened. It started as a little nagging thought in the back of my head that grew and grew until it was a fully formed realization....I had removed my faith from my Heavenly Father and placed it in the beginning of a new year. Somewhere along the way I stopped leaning on him and asking him to help me and I started hanging on to the notion that 2011 would be my saving grace. My Heavenly Father didn't leave me to learn to fight my trials on my own like I had thought, I had pushed him away. I turned my back on him.
The next realization that I had was that this feeling I am having right now...that feeling of hope and awakening... was offered to me months ago; I just never accepted it. I was so focused on 2011 bringing me happiness that I didn't even notice that it was being handed to me on a silver platter, all I had to do was partake and it was mine. I never took into account that Heavenly Father's time line doesn't work the same way that ours does. He doesn't dole out blessings or his love based on the calendar year. My trials had nothing to do with 2010 or 2011.
So I now sit here eating my humble pie, and in a few minutes I will be on my knees. Who would have thought that the calender could become a false idol?
Friday, December 31, 2010
Empty Arms
Last year at this time, I sat in the arms of a man who loved me and thought that I was beautiful. Our goals for the new year held hope for our future together. We spoke of getting our health in order and of finding a way to have children some day. We talked about our jobs and finding a way to obtain a better financial outlook. We even made plans of writing a book together. Our dreams and our plans were entwined together; two people planing their future as one.
Today, I sit alone in the arms of no one. The sky outside my window is dark. A fog rests over the ground and the window is spotted by lightly falling rain. I will be sitting here, in this same spot tonight as the year draws it's final breath and moves on to the next. Gone is the man who loved me and thought I was beautiful. Gone are the dreams of having children of my own.
Deep down somewhere inside I know that there is a reason why I have been asked to endure these trials and this pain, but I can't tell you what that reason is because I have yet to find out for myself. I can tell you though, that immediately after I wrote that second paragraph, the sun burst through the clouds and the fog outside started to lift. Some people may call that an odd coincidence...I call it a sign. Through all of these trials I have never once felt unloved by my Heavenly Father.
I want to share with you a slide show that I made last year a few weeks before Christmas. At the time I was grieving for the children that I hadn't yet been blessed with. All I wanted was to have a child of my own that I could share the wonders of Christmas with. I found comfort in the words of the song, and even though I have now had my wonderful husband taken from me as well, I am still able to find some comfort here. The song is called Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby by Michael McLean. The pictures are all taken by me (except for the few that have me in them). I hope that maybe, it can bring some comfort to someone else who's arms are aching this New Years Eve.
Today, I sit alone in the arms of no one. The sky outside my window is dark. A fog rests over the ground and the window is spotted by lightly falling rain. I will be sitting here, in this same spot tonight as the year draws it's final breath and moves on to the next. Gone is the man who loved me and thought I was beautiful. Gone are the dreams of having children of my own.
Deep down somewhere inside I know that there is a reason why I have been asked to endure these trials and this pain, but I can't tell you what that reason is because I have yet to find out for myself. I can tell you though, that immediately after I wrote that second paragraph, the sun burst through the clouds and the fog outside started to lift. Some people may call that an odd coincidence...I call it a sign. Through all of these trials I have never once felt unloved by my Heavenly Father.
I want to share with you a slide show that I made last year a few weeks before Christmas. At the time I was grieving for the children that I hadn't yet been blessed with. All I wanted was to have a child of my own that I could share the wonders of Christmas with. I found comfort in the words of the song, and even though I have now had my wonderful husband taken from me as well, I am still able to find some comfort here. The song is called Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby by Michael McLean. The pictures are all taken by me (except for the few that have me in them). I hope that maybe, it can bring some comfort to someone else who's arms are aching this New Years Eve.
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