Stress and Fear

My hubby lost his job six months ago. There have been a couple of contracts he has gotten but nothing solid. He currently has two contracted jobs that he is doing right now. One is only giving him about 5 to 10 hours a week and the other one ends in a couple of weeks. The unemployment is gone. When this contract ends, I don't know what we are going to do. We aren't making ends meet as it is.

We can't afford the condo anymore; the payments are too high. I want to put it on the market. I know that it can take up to a year or more in order to get it to sell but at least I would feel like we were doing something. The hubby doesn't want to sell it; he says that it doesn't feel right. We also have some damage in one of the bathrooms that needs to be repaired before we could sell, and we don't have the money to fix that either. My home no longer brings me comfort and peace when I walk in the door; it just reminds me of all the things that aren't right in my life right now.

Going along with the financial situation, we have had to borrow some money from my in-laws to help pay the bills. This in and of itself causes more problems than good for all the obvious reasons. I hated the idea before we borrowed and I still hate the idea. To make matters worse, I just found out that they borrowed the money against their house in order to lend it to us. I want to throw up just thinking about it. I can't stand the fact that I am living on borrowed money from someone that didn't have the money to give it in the first place. It makes me feel dirty.

At work, there used to be two of us doing the same job. It was nice because when one of us started to get too busy the other would step in and help out. The other girl had a baby a few months ago and they gave her the option of working part time when she came back from maternity leave. I don't begrudge her the opportunity that she has to stay home with her baby. But, the increase it has placed on my workload is getting harder and harder for me to handle. She doesn't see it either. She comes in and acts like it isn't a big deal. In addition, she has picked up the attitude that she is the only one who works. She acts like all I do is sit around while she slaves away. I used to love my job...I don't anymore.

I mentioned in my last post that my hubby was diagnosed with diabetes and that he has a diabetic ulcer on the bottom of his foot. I am the sole person responsible for changing the bandages twice a day and making sure that it remains clean and continues to heal. As of right now, it is doing great. But, I can't help but worry about what happens if I do something wrong. If it stops healing or gets infected again then it is my fault. It is my responsibility.

My house work has gotten completely out of control. My hubby has always helped me out a ton. He took care of the dishes and helped out with the clutter control. He used to do laundry for me when I needed him to and he was the one that cooked dinner almost every night. With his foot issue, he has been put out of commission. He isn't allowed to put weight on his foot which means everything that he used to help me with is now back on my shoulders. The dishes are stacking up and the laundry is severely behind. Something smells in the kitchen. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to take care of everything...yet it is my responsibility.

I am also trying to finally finish up my degree. I was supposed to graduate in May with my Bachelors degree. I was able to take a class off because of my hubby's illness but I had to go back tonight. If I didn't go back then I would have to pay back my student loans for the semester because I wouldn't have had enough completed credit hours to qualify for the loan. All my break succeeded in doing was bumping me from a spring graduation to a fall one. At this rate I don't know if I am going to make it graduation. I can't concentrate on my classes with everything else going on.

Then there is the whole IF thing. This stress has been a constant companion for years. I know that I should be grateful to not have a child while I am going through all of this other stuff; but I can't seem to find it in my heart to be grateful. I have wanted a child to hold in my arms for so long that my arms ache with the emptiness. No matter how hard I try to remain positive, I can't help the tears from falling sometimes. I can't make the pain go away.

With everything that I am trying to deal with all at the same time, I find myself more and more tired every day. I could probably sleep for 24 hours straight and still wake up exhausted. More and more often I find myself staring at a blank wall because my brain just can't handle anything else. I have thought about going to the doctor and seeing if there is something that they can give me just to help me cope while all of this stuff sorts itself out. I know that it will all sort out and that everything will be okay...but trying to get there is the hard part. Sometimes I think that if I just had a little bit of help I can make it. This is where my greatest fear of all comes in to play though. We looked into adoption a while back and one of the questions that keeps floating before my eyes is "do you have any history of mental illness?" I am petrified that if I can't cope with all of this stress on my own, that they will deam me as mentally ill, and that I will loose all chance of ever being able to adopt. If I can't adopt, then I will probably never be a mother. And if I can't ever be a mother.........I just can't take that chance....I can't seal my fate like that.

More Mountains

I had just come to terms with the mountains in my life. I had just started to enjoy the climb and the view when I was given another mountain.

On Halloween we went to my in-laws house so that we could see all of the nieces and nephews in their costumes. A few hours before "Witching hour" my hubby was sitting in a recliner and we noticed a very large blister on his foot. Closer inspection found that it was extremely hot, red, and their were dark streaks radiating out of it and up toward his ankle. We took him to urgent care where he was diagnosed with both diabetes and a diabetic ulcer which was extremely infected. He was immediately sent to the hospital where he spent the next two nights.

At the hospital they opened up the blister and cleaned out as much of the infection as they were able. They were also able to get his blood sugars down into a high-normal area. I sighed a breath of relief when I got to take him home. Little did I know that the true climb had just begun. Our days are now filled with doctors appointments, bandage changes, blood tests, and small meals every two to three hours. This is all between working full time and trying to juggle my classes at the University. Even then, the time that I spend at work or in class is spent wondering if everything is okay at home. Did I leave the house clean enough for him to get around? Will he be able to get his own lunch? He isn't allowed to put much weight on his foot because it slows the healing process. We are 4 weeks in and the doctor has said that it will probably be another 6 weeks before his foot is mostly done healing.

President Monson said that we shouldn't focus on what is missing from our lives; we should focus on what we do have. This has been difficult but with much effort I am coming to terms with this new challenge in our lives. I am truly grateful that I still have my husband with me and that the situation didn't get worse than it did. He could have lost his foot, or worse, his life. I am trying my best to focus on this time that we have been given together. This time where we can grow closer together and strengthen our marriage. We may have been given many mountains to climb, but we have also been given many blessings.

My Mountain

I have been blessed with a mountain to climb. Most people wouldn't see a mountain that must be climbed as a blessing but I do. After being lost in a fog for so long, it is the most wonderful feeling to finally know where you are supposed to be going.

I love hiking even though it isn't something that I do very often. The reason why I love to hike is because it is the best way that I have found to connect with my Heavenly Father and everything that he has created on this earth.

It is for this reason that I look toward this new mountain in my life as a blessing. Through this climb I will be given the opportunity to witness many of the blessings that I have been given and may not know about quite yet. I will be given the opportunity to build new relationships, grow closer to my husband, and explore newly found talents. But most of all, I will be given the opportunity to increase my faith in the Lord.

My task in climbing this mountain is to prepare myself for motherhood and adoption. I have finally been able to answer the question of "Why." Why must I work so hard to obtain something that so many see and take for granted? The answer to this question is that this is one of my trials. Every person's trials are different. We don't choose our trials but we do choose how we handle them. I am choosing to place my feet on the path at the bottom of the hill and start the climb.

New Beginnings

You know...it is kind of weird when everything starts to fall into place after a long period of experiencing the unknown.

This Sunday past they changed the boundaries for our church. The group of condos that I live in have been taken out of one ward and put in another one. I see this as my chance at a new beginning. I am looking forward to Sunday for the first time in a very long time. I think that part of it is that I will now be in the same ward as a woman that I had the chance of working with a few years ago. When I knew her, she had just adopted a little girl because she was unable to have children. She understands what it is like. For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel alone anymore. There will be someone there who fully understands.

As for the newly found direction in my life, I am beginning to realize how difficult the journey ahead of me is going to be. What at first looked like a mild path winding down one hill, across a small valley, and up the other side is not quite so mild. I am beginning to realize that parts of this path are extremely steep and I won't be able to traverse them on my own. Other parts are lined with poison ivy and I am going to have to be extremely careful and stay directly in the center of the path as I go through. Then there are the parts that are lined with rose bushes and I see that there is no way that I am going to get through without some scrapes and scratches. Even with all of these obstacles in my way, I am still looking forward to this journey.