An Eternal Butterfly

Where did the magic go?

2011-11-11T06:48:00.002-07:00

As Halloween approached this year I just couldn't get into it at all. I tried decorating but only the fall decorations made me happy...nothing Halloween at all. I couldn't figure it out. Usually Halloween is the first of the holidays each year that I actually go all out with on the decorations. Halloween came and went and that day all I wanted was for the day to be over. I had an uneasy feeling the entire day and I couldn't put my finger on it.

I was sitting here this morning catching up on some past posts when suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. 2 years ago on Halloween my husband was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with diabetes. Even though he was released from the hospital a few days later and he didn't pass away until the end of February, I think that somewhere in my subconscious thoughts I have labeled that day as being the beginning of the end. The day he was diagnosed with the disease that would eventually lead to that blood clot that took him away from me.

The holiday season used to mean so much to me and I can already feel myself backing away from the idea of Thanksgiving too. I have received 4 invitations to different places for Thanksgiving and I haven't been able to accept any of them. Last year I expected to have a hard time through the holidays because they were my first without him. But this year, I thought that I would be able to let myself feel the magic again and I am disappointed to find that it seems the magic died the day Wayne did.

I got in trouble yesterday...

2011-10-22T13:15:00.000-06:00

To preface this post, I first have to explain about something that has been going on that you aren't aware of because I haven't been blogging. I've mentioned it in passing before, but never in great detail. About 8 years ago I started loosing my hair. It was only in small quantities and I didn't really notice it too much. I knew that my hair was getting thinner, but it wasn't bad enough to bother me all that much. Over the past 2 years this has gotten extremely worse and when pictures are taken of me now, my hair is so thin and my hairline is so far receded that it looks like I have practically no hair at all. In an effort to try and stop the hair loss process and potentially even reverse it my doctor referred me to my very first endocrinologist. I saw her for the first time about 3 months ago and she did a bunch of tests. I was re-diagnosed with PCOS. She changed all of my medications and wanted to immediately refer me for weight loss surgery but I talked her into giving me some more time to try to lose it on my own. I don't have the money for the surgery and my insurance won't cover it. It was a far from pleasant experience let me tell you. Yesterday was my follow up appointment...and I haven't even started losing yet.

Yesterday I was told that I am killing myself. I was told that in a matter of months I will be a full blown diabetic. I was told that my risk of complications is much greater than that of others. I was told that there is no pill that will fix my problems and unless I decide to do something about it, I will basically kill myself.

So, I guess now is about the time that I have to start pulling some of those things off of the back burner. The problem is that I just don't know where to start. The obvious place would be to start with the weight loss, but I don't have the foggiest clue how to do it. It seems like I have tried everything but I can never stick to it. I just don't have the strength or the will power to stick it out. I don't want to do this but I can't just not do it either. I don't want to fail again.

I'm scared.

The Back Burner

2011-10-10T20:32:00.001-06:00

You have probably noticed that I tend to post a lot for a while and then I disappear for months at a time. I know that this is really bad blogging etiquette but yet I still do it over and over again. For a long time I have asked myself why I do this and the only answer I could come up with was to say that there wasn't really anything going on in my life worth writing about during those times. I never once asked myself why I didn't have anything to write about, I just accepted it and let the blog sit there untouched until something came up that I decided was worth writing about. That is until last week.

I got this new digital scrapbooking software and I really wanted to try creating my own blog header. I was working so hard on this new header when I finally asked myself why I was doing this when my blog is dormant. Why bother? I asked myself why it was dormant and gave myself the typical answer that there isn't anything going on in my life worth writing about. But this time I didn't stop there; I kept asking "why?" until I got down to the root. I discovered a cycle that I tend to repeat no matter what is going on in my life. As I face new challenges in my life I just tend to add them to the cycle.

The cycle begins with me coming to a decision that I need to "deal" with my challenges. I list them all out and make goals for myself. I generally start blogging at this point because I need a place to write these goals out, track them, vent, etc. I dig down deep and really try with all my might to get through these challenges and to make some progress. I psycho evaluate myself (yes I realize that even now this is exactly what I am doing) and tell myself all these stories about why this time it is going to be different. Eventually the stress and emotional tole of all my issues starts to get to me and I start bundling them all up and putting them away. The challenges don't go away I just choose not to deal with them anymore. I "put them on the back burner" and just let them simmer. I go into a form of hibernation where I get up, I go to work, I go home, and I go to sleep. I don't have anything to write about because I'm IGNORING my life. I am choosing not to deal with it. Even if something does happen that I would normally write about I don't because the blog in and of itself is a reminder of those things that I am currently trying to ignore. Then, eventually, something will happen which will trigger a sudden desire to pull everything out and try again.

Now that I have discovered the problem I am still not quite sure what to do about it. I know that logically I should try just pulling out one or two of my dormant issues and deal with them completely before moving on to the next. But, I just don't work that way. Everything always seems so intricately bound together. I can start just about anywhere in my list and link everything together in a giant circle. My weight, infertility, being a widow, depression, loneliness, lack of social skills, deeply rooted insecurities, my weight...see, I told you. I feel like I need to deal with everything as a whole but at the same time I know from 30 years of experience that working on it as a whole doesn't work.

I just don't understand

2011-09-24T09:01:00.000-06:00

A friend said something to me last night that really made me start thinking. It left me literally at a loss for words. I have heard people talk about similar experiences but I was actually really surprised by my thought process as a result.

Last night we were watching a TV show about weddings and she made a comment about how if I ever got married again she would never let me wear a pink dress or a white one for that matter. As a result our conversation kind of shifted to whether I would be open to getting married again or not (the answer to that is a whole different post). She then made the comment that litterally left me speachless for a good time. She said "If you do get married again it will have to be to another Mormon, because in the eyes of any other Christian you are going to hell."

Even writing about this now is bringing tears to my eyes. Not so much tears of hurt (okay maybe a couple of those too), but mostly tears of sadness for all of the people out there who seem to think that this line of thinking is okay. Maybe it is because I was raised in a church where I was NEVER taught this principal, but it leaves me heart broken that someone would believe this. I can't imagine ever joining a church where it is taught that it doesn't matter how good a person is or what good deeds they do in life, they will still be sentensed to an eternity in hell just because they weren't able to filter through all of the religions out there and find the "one true church."

I just don't understand how someone can go through life and just unconditionally accept the idea that all of the good hearted people that they come into contact with will be thrown into a pit of hell, fire, and damnation just because they don't believe in one specific religion. I don't understand how anyone would be willing to just accept this and not question it.

Even the ducks think I look strange...

2011-05-28T14:49:00.000-06:00

West Park - Carmel, IN

The Definition of Being Alone

2011-05-21T21:08:00.001-06:00

I've only ever had one person in my life that I could honestly tell everything without having to sensor myself or think twice before opening my mouth. I knew that he wouldn't judge me and that he would listen with a loving heart. He would help hold me up when I was weak. I could literally tell him anything, no matter how bad of a person those things may have made me seem and he wouldn't hold it against me. He would just be there for me and help me work through those challenges and problems I was facing.

Lately I have been struggling with a few things...and I mean really struggling. I actually found myself calling his name last night; reaching out for that lifeline that I so desperately need...but he wasn't there. He never will be there again. It's been over a year and I still miss him more than ever sometimes. Making it even worse is that I can almost guarantee that if he WERE here...I wouldn't be struggling with these specific issues in the first place.

Being alone just really sucks!

Hair Today...Bald Tomorrow

2011-05-18T19:00:00.000-06:00

I know that it may sound vain, but my hair loss has really started to get to me. It has been getting increasingly worse over the past few months and I am afraid that I am not going to have any left within the next year if I don't get it slowed down. So, I finally broke down and talked to my doctor about it. She actually said that she noticed a difference since I saw her last...only three weeks before.

We came up with a timid plan on how to get the hair loss to stop. From the research I have done, I have found that I may even be able to get some regrowth. The first step is for me to get back on my meds. I am back on track with them and doing my very best not to miss any. It seems like I usually do really well for a week or two and then I fall off the wagon and the next thing I know it is months later and I haven't taken a single dose. I know that this isn't good for me and that I need to start really taking some initiative in this area. I still haven't really figured out how I am going to prevent the cycle from repeating itself yet, but I hope to figure something out before it does.

The second step is that she is increasing my Metformin to the maximum dosage. I'm not really looking forward to this part. This medication really upsets my stomach for at least a couple of weeks each time that I get back on track with it and that was with the lower dose. I think I am in for some major tummy troubles for the next little while. I guess all I can do is warn everyone around me to stay out of my way when I stand up and run and ask them to pardon my grumpiness as I try to get through it. Sometimes I think that the meds they give us that are supposed to make us better, are really worse than the original problem.

The third step is that she is sending me to a dermatologist. A dermatologist is probably the last person I would have thought of when talking about hair loss. I'm not sure why, but I just never made that kind of connection. They are going to do a blood panel tomorrow to check for any things that would give them an indication of what is causing the majority of the hair loss and then my appointment with dermatology is in about 5 weeks (that is how far they are booked out).

Overall, I just really hope they are able to pin down the cause and help me out. The idea of loosing all of my hair really scares me. My hair used to be the only part of my outward appearance that I could honestly say looked pretty, now I don't even have that.

No More Waiting...

2011-05-16T05:22:00.000-06:00

I have spent my entire life letting other people save me, protect me, and take care of me. I lived with my mom until after I was 19. When I left her home I moved in with my brother for a few months. Seeking some freedom I then moved into my own apartment...epic fail. I got involved in stuff that I had no business getting involved with. I wasn't smart with my money and immediately got behind on my bills and dropped out of college. As the going started to get tough and I was beginning to start wondering what I was going to do I met Wayne. He swept into my life and he made everything better. We still had problems on and off throughout our marriage. There were money issues and life challenges that we faced but he always held me up and helped me through.

After Wayne passed away, I moved up to the Layton area to be close to his family. Even though I got an apartment of my own, I still relied on them a lot to help get me through emotionally. His parents even helped some financially. Even though I felt like I had suddenly found myself out in the world alone, I wasn't. My family was still supporting me, protecting me, and taking care of me.

Then, I moved out here to Indiana. I suddenly didn't have anyone that I could lean on other than myself. Sure, I can call family and they will still bail me out of trouble if I need them too. But, more than ever before, I am having to depend on myself. I have to stand on my own two feet. I came to the realization this weekend that I have been, not so much rebelling against this fact, but I haven't been doing it either. Instead of growing and learning how to take care of myself, I have been sitting here waiting for someone to come and take care of me. I have been doing the basic things needed for survival, but as much as I have talked about the Butterfly Project and other things, in reality I have failed those things because I was waiting for someone to come along that would help me. I didn't/don't know how to do it on my own. I've never before had to take care of myself. I guess it is about time that I put on my big girl pants and learned...

My Morning Walk

2011-05-15T06:32:00.000-06:00

The Pond at Coxhall Gardens in Carmel, IN

Glimmers of a Plan

2011-05-14T04:20:00.000-06:00

There has been a lot going through my mind lately. So much that I haven't really known where to even start in regards to trying to figure everything out. Last night I tossed and turned all night long. I guess in a way it was my brain's way of telling me that it was time. So, when I woke up at 4 in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep, I let my mind wander through all of the problems and issues and wouldn't you know...I found a place to start.

Lately, I have been considering moving back to Utah...a lot. I miss my family so much that it hurts sometimes. I feel like I am missing out on all the wonderful things going on in their lives. I told everyone that I would be making my decision in July, but I think everyone kind of suspects that the decision has already been made. I guess in some ways, I kind of thought the decision had been made as well, I just didn't want to announce anything.

I am glad that I followed my instinct not to make any announcements because I finally got the answer to my prayers this morning and it isn't what I was planning on. I will be staying in Indiana for a while longer. There is a reason why I have been separated from my family for this time in my life. This is a time that has been set aside for me to learn some very valuable lessons in life. I have been fighting these lessons, just waiting for the chance to run back home. I need to learn how to embrace these challenges and lessons. Only then will I truly be ready to go back. And if I have learned the lessons properly I won't actually be running anymore, I will be returning with a purpose and a plan.

With the decision made to stay here in Indiana, all of my problems and issues have started to lay themselves out before me. I can actually see where they are all connected and how working on the first will automatically start helping with the second and so on. I haven't been able to see this pattern before and now that I have a plan is starting to take form. And wouldn't you know...it all still fits in with my discarded Butterfly Project. I started that project with good intentions but my follow through was severely lacking and the project fell by the wayside and I regressed right back to where I was when I started.

It is time to pick myself back up for real this time and get moving again. The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I get to go back to Utah. And yes...I do realize that that sentence in and of itself proves that I'm not ready to go back yet and that I have a lot of work to do.

Dusting Myself Off

2011-04-10T07:55:00.000-06:00

I fell off the wagon again. I have recently awoken to the knowledge that once again I allowed myself to fall into the trap of "eat, sleep, work." My room is a disaster, I haven't lost any weight, I have lost more hair that I care to admit to, and I have been called "sir" so many times in the past few weeks that I am beginning to really wonder...

I think the combination of PCOS, grief and stress has taken it's toll on me over the past year. My PCOS has gone into overdrive. I was loosing my hair before but not like I am now. I have also gotten to the point where I have to shave my beard and mustache off ever flippin' morning where before I only had to do it once or twice a week. I look in the mirror and see someone who has aged a good 10+ years over the past 12 months. Something has got to give; I can't keep living like this.

In an effort to pick myself up and dust myself off I gave myself a pedicure last night. Painted my toenails and everything. Then, I couldn't just let it go at that so I had to pain my fingernails too. I also found a really cute pair of sandals that I can wear to work or on the weekend. Decidedly girlie.

Tomorrow I plan to start doing my makeup again and I will get back on track with my medications. With any luck the hair loss isn't permanent and I can reverse it, otherwise I may just have to go wig shopping before too long...oh how I wish I was joking.

I really miss Wayne. I took him for granted in a lot of ways that I am only now beginning to see. I miss the way that I never had to dress up or do my make up in order to feel pretty or feminine when he was around. All I had to do was look into his eyes as he looked at me and I automatically felt loved, adored, wanted...beautiful. He treated me and made me feel like a woman. No one ever called me "sir" when I was with him.

Broken Wings

2011-03-20T06:53:00.000-06:00

What does it all mean?

2011-02-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

The night before last I had a dream that I have been unable to shake. It was so unsettling and I keep thinking that there is something in it that I was supposed to learn or to hear. I can't figure out if it is my subconscious trying to tell me about something that I am repressing or if it was Wayne himself trying to tell me something through a dream. Maybe it really was nothing, but it sure doesn't feel like nothing.

Wayne came to visit me here in Indy. I don't remember what he came for; I almost think it was a funeral. But he came to be with me and to support me. The morning that he was supposed to leave he missed his flight. I was so worried about him not getting back home. We got in the car and drove to a place where he could see if they would let him change his ticket for another flight the same day. He went into the store and I stayed in the car, parked across the street. I saw him come out and he called me on my cell phone. He told me that they had given him a ticket for a flight that left in 30 minutes. I told him that I couldn't get him to the airport in time so he needed to go back and ask for something different. I could see him standing on the corner, but for some reason I drove away and went to another place to try and figure something out so that I could get him back home. After I had talked to the lady at the new place I called him. He was so sad and hurt that I had left him. He told me that he had just decided to walk. But not only that; the place he had walked to was the condo where we lived at the time he passed away. I remember asking him how he got in because it has been sold and he told me that someone was there that let him in. I was suddenly overcome with such sadness and guilt for leaving him standing on that corner all alone. I remember pleading with him over the phone asking him to forgive me. Then I told him that I loved him....and he didn't reply...the line just went dead.

The only thing that I can think of is that either I am feeling like I have abandoned him or he thinks I have. Either way it is definitely something that I need to work though; I just don't know how...

One Year

2011-02-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

Exactly one year ago tonight I went to bed with my husband curled up by my side, without the slightest indication that my life would change forever in a matter of hours.

Tonight part of me just wants to curl up under the covers, close my eyes, and get this night over with. While another part, keeps holding on to the hope that somehow, some way, he will find a way to let me know that he is with me tonight. If I stay up just a little bit longer, maybe I will feel his touch or hear his voice just one more time.

I have so many friends and family members who have given me their love and support over this past year, yet there is still only one pair of arms that I crave. One pair of arms that, if wrapped around me, would make all of my fears and sadness go away. One pair of arms that I miss more than anything. The one pair of arms that I can no longer have.

Flashbacks - Part 3 of 3

2011-02-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

Early Tuesday Morning

I followed the firemen and Wayne down the stairs. As they got him onto the stretcher and started to load him up into the ambulance I called Wayne’s parents. I didn’t want to worry them too much because after what the firemen had said, I figured that this would just be a trip to the E.R. for a breathing treatment or two and then we would be back home. They wanted to come to the E.R. anyway, so I told them how to get to the hospital and they started their 1 hour trip to the hospital.

The bishop said goodbye and headed home as I got into my car. I drove to the hospital alone. As I was pulling into the parking lot, so did the ambulance that carried Wayne. They had him stable enough so it wasn’t a lights and sirens type of occasion. As the ambulance drove over to their entrance, I parked and entered through the other E.R. entrance where admitting is. When I walked in, there was a man and a couple of other people sitting in the waiting area. The nurses desk was empty. As I stood at the desk waiting, I heard someone call for a repertory team to the E.R. over the intercom. It was almost like a voice in my head, clearly said that it was for Wayne. I still wasn’t too worried. Maybe it was a bit more serious than we had thought, but it would probably just be a day or two in the hospital and everything would be fine.

I am guessing that at this point, the man in the waiting area could tell I was getting a bit anxious and he told me that the nurse had gone down the hall to the patient admitting desk. I walked down there and found her working on Wayne’s paperwork. She was really nice and said that she understood that I wanted to get this done quickly so that I could get back to Wayne. We quickly went over our insurance information and I paid the $100 copay for the E.R. visit. She then told me what room Wayne was in and started to walk me through and point me in the right direction. As I walked down the hall, I noticed that there was quite a commotion going on in one of the rooms. Suddenly a security guard came running out of the room, put his hand up and said “she can’t come in here.” The nurse from the desk said “this is his wife.” The security guard looked and me and said “you can’t come in here, wait right there.” It was only then that it dawned on me; the commotion was coming from Wayne’s room.

I stood there in the hallway, rooted to the floor. I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to think. After what seemed like an eternity, but I am sure it was only a matter of a minute or two, the same security guard came over and took an office chair from the trauma nurses desk. He pushed the chair up against the wall across from the desk and asked me to sit down. I sat there in a kind of daze, only half aware of all the noise coming from Wayne’s room. I just stared straight in front of me…in a sort of trance…watching the bleep bleep bleep of the heart monitors on the trauma desk. Then I noticed that one of those heart monitors didn’t look right. Just as I noticed that it was different than the others, it flat lined, and the words “Time of Death” appeared above it. My stomach hit the floor…had I just watched someone die? Then the line started moving again and the words disappeared.

I just sat there staring at this person’s life weaving in and out. Then my brain started working in over drive. It was like there was something there that I needed to know, that I should know but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I counted the heart monitors. There were 4. I looked up and started to count the rooms lined up in front of the desk: 1,2,3,4. It was monitor 1 that had flatlined…Wayne was in the 1st room.

While the reality of the situation began to sink in, I was still in complete denial. I immediately had thoughts of going into his room after everything was okay again and holding him while I told him how close we had been to losing him. It never occurred to me at that point that he might not make it. I was scared enough to call his parents again. I called and asked how close they were. Wayne’s mom told me where they were and then asked why. I couldn’t tell her what I had just seen. The words “Time of Death” just kept flashing through my mind. I told her that I would tell them when they got there. She started to cry and I followed up with “I just don’t want to be here by myself anymore.”

Almost as soon as I hung up the phone, a doctor came out of Wayne’s room and walked up to me. She said that as they were taking Wayne out of the ambulance his heart had stopped and he had stopped breathing. She said that they were doing everything they could and that she would be back out to give me more information as soon as she could. Suddenly I couldn’t take my eyes off of that heart monitor. I just kept willing his heart to keep beating. The sounds coming from his room were suddenly so clear it was almost as though I were in the room. I heard them calling for X-Rays, and blood transfusions, and things that I had only before heard on hospital drama television shows. I had to be dreaming right? I was still in my bed with my husband sleeping nearby…it was just a nightmare. I had to wake up.

Wayne’s parents got there and ran up to me asking where he was. I pointed to the room and tried to tell them that they wouldn’t let us in. Wayne’s dad barreled down the hall. No one was going to tell him he couldn’t see his son. The security guard stopped him. They started a vigil next to me. I think I tried telling them what I knew, but it is all pretty much a blur. It is like at that point I no longer had to carry the burden alone so it was finally okay for me to go somewhere else in my mind for a few minutes and try to get away. I know that at some point someone got a chair for Wayne’s mom and she sat next to me. I remember staring at that heart monitor; all the bells and alarms that kept going off every time that his heart stopped. I began to be able to tell the difference between his heart actually beating on its own and when they were doing CPR. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I got up and went to the bathroom. When I got there I just wanted to cry or to throw up or something…but I couldn’t do anything other than sit there and stare at the blank wall. So, I went back to my post, watching the heart monitor.

The doctor came back out to talk to us. She said that they had done everything they could and that it just wasn’t taking. She said that they would get his heart started again and then it would just stop and they would have to start over again. She said that they would try one more time, but if he didn’t pull through this time, she was going to call it. Wayne’s dad asked the doctor what she meant. She looked at him straight and said “We don’t think he is going to make it.” She told us that if we wanted, she would let us in the room with him this time. She warned us that it was pretty ugly in there and that we would have to stay back. I couldn’t do it. As much as I wanted to be with him, I just couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him like that. Wayne’s mom couldn’t either. Wayne’s dad went in to the room, and didn’t leave his side as far as I am aware.

I called my sister. I told her where I was and that they didn’t think Wayne was going to make it. It was when I finally allowed myself to say the words out loud that the tears started. She said that they would come and I told her how to get there. A few minutes later the hospital chaplain came and took us to a waiting room. It didn’t seem like it was much longer after that when they came in to tell us that Wayne was gone. Somewhere in the midst of this Wayne’s brother and sister came. I don’t remember if they got there before or after the doctor called it. I remember my sister, her husband, and my mom coming in shortly after I had been told Wayne was gone. I looked at them and asked them if someone had told them. They said no. I had to tell them that Wayne was gone. My brother came shortly after that. I called my bishop and told him; he was in shock. I called my boss to tell him that I wouldn’t be in to work for a while.

After that it was like we all just sat together in stunned silence. Eventually they moved us to a bigger waiting room because our group had gotten so big. I looked around the room and realized amidst all the grief that I was truly blessed. Within an hour or two, I had gone from sitting alone in an office chair in a brightly lit hospital hallway watching my husband’s heart stop over and over again to being surrounded by so many people who loved both me and my husband.

I did cry a lot while I was at the hospital but I tried not to cry too much. I didn’t want to hurt Wayne’s family more by letting them see how much pain I was in when they were already hurting so much themselves. But, most of all I was afraid that if I lost control that I wouldn’t be able to stop. People started asking me questions about funeral homes and arrangements and I couldn’t even think. I had no money to bury my husband with. I didn’t know what to do. Wayne’s parents said that they would take care of the cost, but they still wanted me to make the majority of the arrangements and I was completely at a loss. I was only 29. I didn’t know what to do. My sister stepped in and helped make arrangements for a funeral home to come and pick him up. At that point, I just wanted to go home.

Everyone kept trying to get me to go somewhere other than the house, but I needed to go. They didn’t understand that I needed a few hours to allow myself to grieve alone. I finally talked them in to letting me go home for a few hours by myself and pack a bag before I would go up and stay with Wayne’s parents for a while.

I went home and put on one of Wayne’s favorite sweatshirts that hadn’t been washed since he had worn it last. I walked down the hall and saw his cane still on the floor where he had tried to use it to stand up. The bowl I had held for him lay forgotten on the bathroom floor along with one of the washcloths I had held to the back of his neck. All of them sitting there like ghosts in the morning.

I crawled into bed and cried like I have never cried before. I called out Wayne’s name and begged him not to leave me like this. I told him that I didn’t know what I was going to do without him. I told him that I loved him and that I was so sorry that I hadn’t done more for him. I yelled out for him. And then I fell asleep.

Flashbacks - Part 2 of 3

2011-02-13T08:41:00.001-07:00

Tuesday....ish

I woke up to a loud crash down the hall. The room was pitch black in darkness. I reached over to Wayne's side of the bed and it was empty. As my eyes started to adjust to the darkness I could see our bedroom door was open and there was light coming out from under the bathroom door down the hall. My heart began to race and I got a sick feeling in my throat. I quickly jumped out of bed and ran down the hall to the bathroom door. I couldn't hear anything. I knocked lightly on the door and called Wayne's name and he didn't answer. I tried again...silence. I grabbed the door knob and tried to open the door, but it was locked....he never locks the door. I knocked a bit louder this time, and called to him...nothing. My heart started to beat faster and harder and fear started to grip me right to my middle.

Suddenly I heard a gagging noise coming from the other side of the door, followed by a cough. I called Wayne's name again and was answered by a moaning noise. With each breath that he took, he let out this horrible moaning/wheezing sound. I asked if he was okay, and through the moaning I heard him reply "I don't know." I asked him if he fell and replied "I don't know." I asked if he could unlock the door. I heard something slide across the floor and the locked clicked.

I opened the door to find him huddled in a ball on the bathroom floor. He was covered in sweat and his skin felt like it was on fire. I grabbed a washcloth, got it wet with really cold water from the sink and placed it on his forehead. I put my hand to one of his cheeks and made him look at me. His face was pale and wet, and his eyes....as he looked at me with those eyes....I have never felt so helpless in my life. I kept taking the washcloth and getting it cold again. His skin was so hot that the cloth was hot all the way through mere moments after I placed it on his skin. After 4 or 10 minutes he was finally able to get up into a sitting position but he couldn’t stand and he couldn’t talk. I started putting the cloth on the back of his neck. I knew that I had to get him to the E.R. but I wasn’t quite sure how to do it. He didn’t want me to call 911. I sat there on the floor with him, stroking his hair, and telling him that I loved him…I didn’t know what else to do. Finally he looked at me and put his hand on top of his head. He wanted a blessing.

Now I had a purpose; something I could do. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed the phone and dialed the number of one of our home teachers. He just so happened to live in the same building as us; we shared a common wall. No answer. I tried again, no answer. I grabbed some slippers and ran to his front door. I knocked and knocked again…no answer. I ran back to my house and called the bishop…no answer. I started to feel helpless again. I didn’t know what to do. Then the phone in my hand rang, it was the bishop calling me back. He didn’t really want to come out at midnight. He hesitated and asked me if I was sure it couldn’t wait until morning. When I insisted that I needed his help, he agreed to come.

As we waited, I never left Wayne’s side. I started asking him questions, just to keep him with me. Through his whispered answers I was able to piece a little bit together and figure out what had happened. He had woken up in the middle of the night and needed to use the restroom. He said that he remembered walking into the bathroom and turning to close the door, and then everything went black until he heard me asking him to unlock the door. Apparently he had fainted as he turned to close the door. When he blacked out, his body slumped against the door, causing it to slam which is what woke me up.

About 10 minutes after my call, the bishop knocked on the door wearing his suit and tie. He hadn’t been able to get anyone else so he had come alone. He followed me up stairs to the bathroom where my husband still sat on the floor. As we entered the room Wayne started to gag. I grabbed a bowl and got back to him just as the vomiting started. Uncontrollable vomiting. The bishop had to go out into the hall because he couldn’t stomach it. Under any other circumstances I wouldn’t have been able to stomach it either, but something came over me that night. I held the bowl for him. I continued to stroke his hair and rub his back while repeating over and over again that I loved him. It was all I could do. I felt so helpless.

Finally there was a lull in the vomiting episode and the bishop came in and gave Wayne a blessing. When the blessing was over, we knew that we had to get Wayne to the E.R. The bishop coaxed Wayne into trying to scoot instead of walk. Wayne made it about 3 feet, into the hallway, before he couldn’t go any further. The bishop asked him if he wanted to just lie on the floor and take a nap first. I immediately panicked at the suggestion and told Wayne that if he lay down on the floor I was calling 911. I knew in my heart that if he laid down he was never going to get back up again, and I wasn’t going to let him give up. The bishop saw my fear and he let it go. After about 10 more minutes, we knew that there was no way that we were going to be able to get Wayne to my car by ourselves. We needed an ambulance, so I picked up the phone and did something I should have done the moment after I woke up to the sound of him passing out against the bathroom door…I called 911.

The fire department was there in a matter of minutes. They hooked him up to a couple of machines and they kept telling him that he needed to take some deep breaths because his oxygen was low. They seemed to think that it was the low oxygen that was causing all of the problems (in a round about way they were correct). They put an oxygen mask on him and that seemed to help a bit. I felt so alone while they worked on him. Before they had gotten there, I had barely left Wayne’s side and I wasn’t able to be there with him while they were working on him. Besides, they kept asking me questions and needed me elsewhere. They then told him that due to the layout of our condo, they couldn’t take him out on a stretcher. He was going to have to walk down the stairs. It took them a little bit of time, but they were finally able to get him up, with one of them on each side. As they started walking him down the stairs, Wayne turned and said “My Phone.” It was the clearest thing he had said all night and I replied telling him that I had it. With those two words I knew that he was telling me to call his parents. What I didn't know was that those were the last two words that I would ever hear him speak, and that would also be the last time I ever saw him alive.

Flashbacks - Part 1 of 3

2011-02-13T08:29:00.001-07:00

Right after Wayne passed away, I used to have flashbacks all of the time. They would occur pretty much anytime things were quiet and I didn't have anything else for my mind to think about. I used to hate driving because almost as soon as the engine started I would be back in my bed, waking to a loud crash down the hall. Over time the flashbacks got further and further apart. They stopped all together a few months ago....until the night before last. It is almost as though I am right back in those days right after he died....every time there is a quite moment I am back there...reliving the worst nightmare of my life. This morning as I woke up with the remnants of a very bright hospital hallway still lingering in my mind, I thought that maybe it is time that I finally write it down and let go of the details that I have been holding in for a year.

Friday

It was just like any other Friday afternoon at work. Things were busy but starting to wind down. Wayne was at work that day too, which was a place he hadn't been for quite a while. He had been picking up contracts after being laid off almost a year prior, and the contract he was currently working was one that they wanted him in the office for.

My cell phone rang and it was Wayne. I remember looking at the clock thinking it was a bit odd because it was 1pm. I could normally tell you exactly what time it was by Wayne's phone calls. He would always call me at 11:30am when he went to lunch and then he would call me again at 4pm when he was leaving work and heading home. Even after he go laid off, he kept the same schedule with the phone calls...habit I guess.

I answered the phone and my concern increased. He sounded worried; almost scared. He told me that he had gone downstairs at the office to use the restroom and when he got back upstairs he couldn't breath. He said that no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't catch his breath and he didn't feel very well either. I asked him if he wanted me to come get him and he said no. He said that he was going to just head home and rest for a while. I asked him if he wanted me to go home early and sit with him and he said no to that as well. I told him to make sure to call me when he got home and he said that he would.

About an hour later he called and said that he was at home. I asked him again if he wanted me to come home as well and he told me not too. He said that he was starting to feel better all ready and it was no big deal. I translated that to mean that it was Friday and he just didn't want to work anymore so he had come up with a reason to go home...men, right?

That night I got home and he seemed okay. He was tired and looked kind of warn out but he really did look okay. Maybe he was coming down with the flu?

Saturday

We got up on Saturday and Wayne said that he was feeling great. It must have been just a little bug or something. The doctor had told him last week that he was clear to start exercising so he wanted to go over to the clubhouse in our neighborhood and workout for a while. We got dressed and I grabbed my MP3 player with a walking program on it and we headed over. I jumped on the treadmill and started my program while he kind of walked around the room for a minute trying to decide what he wanted to do. He decided that the elliptical would be good and jumped up on it. About 2 minutes in he was off again. He said that it hurt his foot and it kind of made his chest hurt so he switched over to the stationary bike and started on that. 3 minutes later and he had stopped that too. He said that he was having a hard time breathing again. I asked him if he wanted to go back over to the house and he told me to finish my walk. In all honesty, I got kind of frustrated with him. I figured that he had just decided that he didn't want to work out after all. So, he sat there on the bike and watched me finish my 30 minutes on the treadmill.

When I was done, we walked back over to the house and went in. He struggled a little bit with the stairs, but not too much. He said that he just wanted to rest. Over then next hour or two he seemed to get better again. He said that as long as he didn't exert too much effort that he felt fine. So, we stayed in for the rest of the day and let him get some rest.

Sunday

Wayne wasn't feeling very well when we got up on Sunday morning. He said that he was having a hard time breathing when ever he got up to use the restroom. I decided that it was time to get him to a doctor. I looked up the local urgent care center and found that it opened at 10 or 11, I can't remember now. We were there when it opened and he was the first patient the doctor saw. The doctor checked his foot for additional infection just in case and said that it was fine. They took a couple of chest X-Rays. I remember that while we were waiting for the doctor, Wayne kept looking at me with this helpless look on his face. I kept joking with him, telling him not to look at me that way. The doctor ended up diagnosing him with Bronchitis. He sent him home with a couple of inhalers and said that he would be good as new in a few days.

That night, I started to feel like I was coming down with something as well. I felt like I had been running a marathon. I didn't feel like I couldn't breath; I just felt tired.

Monday

I woke up on Monday still feeling run down. Wayne was worse. He couldn't even shift positions on the couch without getting completely winded. I called in sick to work that day. As we sat on the couch watching TV, Wayne started giving me that look again...the one he had been giving me at the doctor's office. It was like he was begging me to do something. I knew in my gut that something was really wrong. I called his doctor as soon as they opened and got him an apt for the same day.

His doctor ran a few more tests; took some more X-rays. They gave him a breathing treatment which seemed to help a little bit. The doctor confirmed the previous diagnosis of Bronchitis and sent him home again. I spent the rest of the day doing everything I could to make Wayne comfortable. I made sure that he had his meds, and that he ate. The only times he got up from the couch were to go to the restroom and then when we went to bed.

It was really me all along

2011-02-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

Over the past year I have been very blessed to have become acquainted with many other women and men who have also lost their spouses. While I will forever be grateful for all of their love and support, I have to admit that after speaking with them or reading their blogs I often find myself wondering what is wrong with me.

Everyone who has experienced a great loss no matter what that loss is will tell you that everyone grieves differently. They say that you can't compare your grief to that experienced by others. While I have seen that this is true beyond a doubt, there are some experiences that they all seem to share. They all talk about experiencing physical pain of some sort. They talk about periods of uncontrollable tears. The amount of time that they each experience these things is different, but they all seem to say that they have experienced it at one point or another during their grieving process. I never have.

The experience I have had with my grief seems so mild compared to everyone else who has walked this road. I often find myself asking if I didn't love him enough. I often feel guilty for not grieving for him as much as I feel I should; as much as I feel he deserves to be grieved for. Every time that someone tells me how they can't believe how "strong" I have been through all of this, my guilt increases.

I remember saying multiple times after Wayne passed away that I felt like I had completely lost my sense of identity. The things that I used to love doing didn't even remotely appeal to me anymore. I felt lost almost all of the time and I began to question whether I had ever really had my own identity. I started to think that I had created my identity around Wayne and that I hadn't actually ever taken the time to figure out who I was as an individual. I set out trying to figure out who I was. I felt that I needed to create an identity for myself.

Over the past few weeks, I have really started to finally settle in o my new life here in Indiana. I have made some new friends and I have gotten into a routine. I also started my Butterfly Project which I am still really excited about. This morning as I was going about my Saturday, I experienced a moment of clarity. If I look back over these past few weeks, there are multiple instances where I can see the person that I used to be before Wayne passed away. As hard as I have tried over the past year to create my new identity, now that I have started to feel comfortable living with my new life, my "false" identity that I had lost when Wayne died has decided to reappear.

The person that I was when Wayne was alive, was really me all along.....I have just been grieving.....in my own way.

I got call "Sir"....again

2011-01-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to think that this is much more than a coincidence. Over the past 3 months I have been called "sir" no less than 5 times by 4 different people. The first time kind of annoyed me. The second time really ticked me off because that was the person who did it twice (she called me sir, took it back and called me ma'am, then shook her head and called me sir again). I was offended the third time. I wanted to cry this last time.

I don't know why they can't seem to figure out that I am a girl. I wear heals. This last time I was wearing makeup. My shirts usually always have some sort of very feminine design and or sparkle on them. Don't forget the fact that I have to large lumps that protrude from the upper part of my chest too (sorry but it is true). I don't get it! Has my PCOS really gotten so bad that I am giving off dude pheromones???? Is that even possible???

Infertility Never Goes Away

2011-01-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

While I was redesigning my blog I did a lot of soul searching and I really considered taking out the subject of infertility all together. Over the past year I have thought of this on occasion. In all reality, infertility should no longer be one of my issues. It may come up again in the future if I were to ever consider remarriage, but for now with my husband being gone so should the issue of infertility right? Wrong.

I have connected with and followed many women over the years who are dealing with infertility. Eventually, many of them do finally succeed in having a child or two. Sometimes it is through fertility treatments and other times through adoption (or both). I have heard a few of these women say that even after they have their children, infertility still doesn't go away. While it may get pushed aside for a while it is still there and they are often reminded of it. It is part of what made them who they are.

My situation may be very different from the women I mentioned but the result is still the same. Infertility is still there and I still suffer from it. It no longer comes up on a daily basis, but it is there in the back of my mind and it always will be. I spent almost 8 years of my life trying to have a child and it never happened. An experience like that leaves a mark that never goes away.

My Before Shots

2011-01-23T17:15:00.001-07:00

Since I am starting my butterfly project I thought that it was time to give my blog a face lift. I also thought that I should post a new "before: shot. The ones that I posted about a year and a half ago were focused completely on weight loss and that isn't necessarily my only goal this time around. This time the transformation I am going for goes much deeper than that. So, here is my before shot:

Okay, so I would never really go out in public looking like this. But seriously, I really do feel like this on the inside sometimes. Here is my real before shot:

I'm not going to do the full body pictures this time. In all honesty they just feel degrading and that would go against everything that I am trying to accomplish with this project. I am hoping that over the next few months and even years that I will be able to take new head shots and really see a difference. Not just a physical difference but I spiritual one as well. Maybe a real smile, and not just a fake one for the camera.

Answers

2011-01-19T07:10:00.000-07:00

The night that Wayne passed away I called the bishop over to our house to give him a blessing. In the blessing the bishop clearly stated that the doctors hands would be blessed and that Wayne would heal over the next few weeks. Shortly after that, we called 911 and the ambulance came and picked him up. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped as they were unloading him from the ambulance at the hospital and he never regained consciousness.

In time I was able to feel some peace with why he had to go. I was given little messages that let me know he was needed on the other side and that it had been his time to go. But, I have really struggled on and off wondering why our Heavenly Father had lied to us both in that blessing. I have been told that there are many interpretations of blessings and we often hear what we want to hear rather than what the true meaning is, but this blessing was so clear and precise that no matter how hard I tried I hadn't been able to come up with a single interpretation other than the obvious one....he had lied.

For the most part, I have been able to put this out of my mind. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and Wayne and that if he lied he had a very good reason to do it. But, every once in a while the thoughts creep out of my mind and I have to examine them once again before I can put them away for the next time. One of these times happened this morning while I was getting ready for work....only this time instead of having to hide it away again I was blessed with an answer to my question.

When Wayne was given that blessing, he already knew that he wasn't going to make it. He already knew that he was being called home. I think in some ways he asked for that blessing more for my sake than his own. He was so sick that he couldn't speak and he couldn't tell me what I needed to know. He didn't want to leave me or his family. He wanted to stay and it broke his heart that he was being asked to leave even though he knew that there were great blessing waiting for him on the other side.

The doctors hands were blessed. They worked so hard to help him and just because they weren't able to bring him back doesn't mean that they failed in doing what they were meant to do. And he did heal over the next few weeks, only in a different way than I had interpreted the blessing to mean. It took time for him to come to terms with the fact that he had to leave us all behind and move on without us. He didn't want to see his family hurting and it hurt him to have to stand by and watch as we struggled through our loss and not be able to hold us and tell us that it would all be okay. He was grieving just as much as we were, if not more. We only lost one member of our family...he lost us all. But he has come to terms with his loss and he is working really hard on the other side of the veil, waiting for the day when we can all be together again.

That blessing was 100% truth...Heavenly Father doesn't lie.

An Eternal Butterfly

2011-01-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

Shortly after my husband passed away I started to feel like I was losing control of everything in my life. During one of my very hard days, I was given this image of a butterfly. The image brought with it the idea that through my trials I was being turned into an Eternal Butterfly. I embraced this image, as you can see from the title of my blog, and have used it as a sort of life line.

Over the past year, the idea that came with the image of the Eternal Butterfly, has evolved. I have come to realize that my Heavenly Father is not himself turning me into the butterfly, he is only providing me with the tools I need in order to change myself into the butterfly. It was a foreign concept to me and I am only just beginning to realize how I am supposed to start going about it.

Throughout my life, I have always been told that it isn't what is on the outside that matters, it is what is on the inside that counts. While I am still a firm believer that this is true, I am beginning to understand that both the inside and the outside have a direct impact on each other. The people who are most successful in life are the ones who are able to merge the two and become one. The process is very much like the creation of a butterfly. You first have the caterpillar (the inside) and the cocoon (the outside). When the circumstances are just right, these two things together create the butterfly.

I have begun to realize that I have focused the majority of my life's efforts on the caterpillar and not much on the cocoon. The caterpillar is getting extremely anxious and is ready to go, but the cocoon is much too weak to turn the caterpillar into a butterfly. So, for the next little while I will be focusing much more attention on the cocoon. Some of the things I do for the cocoon may seem fairly silly to people on the outside (like starting to wear makeup which I have never been really that much into), but if those things make the caterpillar happy, then who am I to deny it one of those simple little pleasures?

Humble Pie

2011-01-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

Last year, when 2010 started, there were several times throughout January and February that I would write the date as 2011 on accident. I would joke around and say "apparently 2010 is going to suck, and I am just trying to skip it." It was all fun and games until my life was turned completely upside down at the end of February.

As everything in my life started falling apart, I developed a very close relationship with my Heavenly Father. I could feel his spirit and his presence around me all of the time. I could feel his promptings so clearly that it was almost like I could hear his voice. I developed a very clear knowledge of what it is like to have a prayer in your heart all of the time.

As the days following Wayne's death turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I was still being dealt blow after blow. I lost my home, my car, my job, and I had to move across the country leaving my family and the majority of my possessions behind. Somewhere in there, I also lost that really close relationship with my Heavenly Father that I grown to treasure more than anything else. I thought that he was stepping back and forcing me to stand on my own two feet, proving to me that I really did have the strength to endure. I resented it and I grew very hateful toward the year 2010 and I couldn't wait for 2011 to finally get here.

I stopped living and started just breathing. Day after day I would get up, go to work, come home and go to bed. I had no motivation to do anything else. I would occasionally try to break out and do something different, but I kept falling back into the same old routine; sleep...work...sleep...work. I just kept telling myself that if I could make it to 2011 I would be fine.

Yesterday, I woke up to 2011 and I had a new energy in my step. I looked around my room and said "holy cow, I haven't even finished getting unpacked from when I moved here." I looked in the mirror and said "holy cow, what have you done to yourself." I look like I have aged 5 or 10 years in the past 6 months. I felt like an old furnace that was just kicking in after having it's pilot light re-lit.

This morning, I woke up and thanked 2011 for bringing me back to life. I started to gain hope for my future. I felt like 2011 was the key; that this year is going to be so much better. I opened up my computer and started to write this post about my new hope. But, every time that I started to write, it just felt wrong. I would delete and start again. And then it happened. It started as a little nagging thought in the back of my head that grew and grew until it was a fully formed realization....I had removed my faith from my Heavenly Father and placed it in the beginning of a new year. Somewhere along the way I stopped leaning on him and asking him to help me and I started hanging on to the notion that 2011 would be my saving grace. My Heavenly Father didn't leave me to learn to fight my trials on my own like I had thought, I had pushed him away. I turned my back on him.

The next realization that I had was that this feeling I am having right now...that feeling of hope and awakening... was offered to me months ago; I just never accepted it. I was so focused on 2011 bringing me happiness that I didn't even notice that it was being handed to me on a silver platter, all I had to do was partake and it was mine. I never took into account that Heavenly Father's time line doesn't work the same way that ours does. He doesn't dole out blessings or his love based on the calendar year. My trials had nothing to do with 2010 or 2011.

So I now sit here eating my humble pie, and in a few minutes I will be on my knees. Who would have thought that the calender could become a false idol?

Empty Arms

2010-12-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

Last year at this time, I sat in the arms of a man who loved me and thought that I was beautiful. Our goals for the new year held hope for our future together. We spoke of getting our health in order and of finding a way to have children some day. We talked about our jobs and finding a way to obtain a better financial outlook. We even made plans of writing a book together. Our dreams and our plans were entwined together; two people planing their future as one.

Today, I sit alone in the arms of no one. The sky outside my window is dark. A fog rests over the ground and the window is spotted by lightly falling rain. I will be sitting here, in this same spot tonight as the year draws it's final breath and moves on to the next. Gone is the man who loved me and thought I was beautiful. Gone are the dreams of having children of my own.

Deep down somewhere inside I know that there is a reason why I have been asked to endure these trials and this pain, but I can't tell you what that reason is because I have yet to find out for myself. I can tell you though, that immediately after I wrote that second paragraph, the sun burst through the clouds and the fog outside started to lift. Some people may call that an odd coincidence...I call it a sign. Through all of these trials I have never once felt unloved by my Heavenly Father.

I want to share with you a slide show that I made last year a few weeks before Christmas. At the time I was grieving for the children that I hadn't yet been blessed with. All I wanted was to have a child of my own that I could share the wonders of Christmas with. I found comfort in the words of the song, and even though I have now had my wonderful husband taken from me as well, I am still able to find some comfort here. The song is called Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby by Michael McLean. The pictures are all taken by me (except for the few that have me in them). I hope that maybe, it can bring some comfort to someone else who's arms are aching this New Years Eve.

Coming Home

2010-12-27T08:18:00.001-07:00

When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror I didn't recognize the person who was looking back at me. The past 10 months have changed me more than I ever imagined they would. The person that I have become isn't necessarily bad by any means, but I don't know that person at all. If I search deep down, I can find glimmers of who I was but those glimmers fade almost immediately after I locate them.

I am not going to say that "I" died when Wayne did because that isn't really what happened. My death was slow and gradual. I also can't really say that I didn't know it was happening, because there were points in the past 10 months where I tried to stop it. If I look at the posts that I wrote after his death I can see that. But there came a point where I stopped fighting; I guess that I just subconsciously decided that I was going to stop rowing my boat and let the current take me where ever it had in mind. I gave up.

So, today I find myself sitting in my boat in the middle of a vast lake. There are multiple rivers and streams that leave from this lake, but I am smack dab in the middle. The current is gone and the only way that I can move is to take up my oars. I must make the decision now; no one can make it for me.

I look at this opportunity as a positive thing in my life. I get to create and be anyone that I want to be. Through the process of letting myself go, I have been stripped down. Yes, there were some really good things about myself that I lost, but there were some bad things that I lost as well. With the choices that I make now, I get to rebuild. Maybe I can even regain some of those really good things.

I stopped writing this blog and started another one when I started hiding my feelings from my family, and then I stopped blogging at all when I decided to stop feeling all together. So, the first step I have decided to make in the creation of the new me is to come back here. I am coming home to my blog with two purposes in mind. The first and most important is to start allowing myself to feel again. The second is that I hope to reawaken the passion that I used to have for writing. Writing was something that I enjoyed doing with all of my heart, it was one of those really good things that I lost. Maybe I am asking too much of my simple little blog but it is a start. I'm coming home.

Goodbye

2010-08-07T20:00:00.002-06:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and this blog just doesn't seem to fit who I am anymore. When ever I come here, I remember the me from what seems so long ago. I have changed so much since I first started this blog. My life is on a completely different path than it once was. Every time that I try to write a post here, it just doesn't seem to fit. It feels wrong. So, I have decided not to keep it going. I will keep it up for the time being, but I won't be adding to it. I may or may not keep writing, but it won't be here. If you are interested in still following me and my story, then let me know in the comments. If I do start a new blog, then I will let you know where to find it.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and has supported me through my struggles. I appreciate each and every one of you.

One of Lifes Most Important Lessons

2010-06-25T09:54:00.003-06:00

I know that it has been quite a while, once again, since I posted last. I have had my ups and downs ever since my husband passed away. Good days and bad days; even good weeks and bad weeks. I have been doing much better over the past couple of months. I have kept up on reading everyone's blogs, but I just couldn't bring myself to writing anything because I didn't really feel like I had anything to say.

It has been four months and my life is so much different now that it was then. Everything has changed. I have been dealing with a lot of confusion. Part of me feels like I need to move on and that there is something out there for me that I need to focus on, but then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not giving Wayne the amount of time he deserves to be grieved for. Deep down, I know what I am supposed to do. I know what Wayne wants me to do; but is scares me. It scares me for multiple reasons which I won't get into right this moment, but someday I will.

On another note, I have discovered something about myself though that saddens me. I have gone through my life always looking for what comes next. I have never been satisfied with my life and I have never lived my life to the fullest. I was always thinking things like "when I have a child, I will be happy" or "when I loose weight, I will be happy." I was never happy with my life the way it was.

Wayne always did everything he could to try and make me happy. He always did everything he could to try and make me feel beautiful and make me feel loved. He would get frustrated because when he would tell me that I was beautiful, I would kind of shrug him off because I couldn't see it...or more like I wouldn't see it.

I am just now beginning to see what he was trying to show me all of those years. I look at all of the pictures that were taken of him...and there are a ton...and he was always so happy. He lived his life to the fullest no matter what his circumstances were. He never cared about whether he would look stupid in a picture or if someone would think he was being a "dork." Yes, he had dreams and he had a wish list of things that he wanted out of life, but at the same time he never let NOT having those things get in the way of his happiness. He was happy even though we had a messy house, a lot of debt, no children, and health problems....he was happy because we were together and he was confident in who he was.

I am starting to gain that confidence. I am starting to live for today. I am starting to see someone different in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I just wish that I had been able to see this and learn it while he was still here. It saddens me that it took him being taken away from me, to realize all of the blessings that I had and have. I think of all the things I missed out on. I know that he can see me changing now and that it makes him happy to see me finally "get it." For him, I won't let what could have been get in the way of what will be. For him, I promise to start living my life to the fullest today...not tomorrow. I can be happy with who I am and with what I have; I learned it from the best teacher my Heavenly Father could have ever given me.

Awakening

2010-04-24T08:49:00.002-06:00

The last two months have been a blur. I have been going through all the motions of life but I haven't really been living. It feels like I have been existing in some sort of fog; standing still while everyone else flies past me while they go about their lives. I go to work and I go to school but I haven't really had any motivation at all. I have eaten nothing but crap and I feel like crap.

Yesterday marked 2 months since my hubby left this life, but it also seems to have marked something else. I felt something stirring deep inside. It is like my brain and my soul have started to awaken. The feeling reminds me of a flower struggling to break the surface of the ground after it has slept through the winter. The fog is starting to lift and I am beginning to crave...something...its hard to explain. I guess you could say that I am craving structure and stability? I want to get out a calendar and start planning things; I want to create a new "normal" or a new daily routine.

The best way that I can describe it is this:
My hubby and I were deeply connected. We completed each other. My mom used to call us the twins. It was like we had been made for each other. The longer we were together the more connected we became and he became a part of me. We weren't Him and I anymore; we were "Us." When he died, "us" died with him. It felt like the right side of my body had just disappeared and I was left trying to live my life with just the left side. I was so used to having both sides that I didn't know what to do with just the one. I was just half a body twitching around on the floor with no grace or dignity what so ever.

Yesterday I began to refocus. My goals and my purpose are different now than they were before, but I still need to have goals and a purpose. I am finding that some of my goals are the same but my reasoning for them are different. I still want to loose weight, but I no longer want to do it so that I can have a child. Now I want to loose weight for myself; so that I will be healthier and feel better both physically and emotionally.

It is extremely hard to let go of those old goals and dreams. I wanted to be a mother so badly. But, I know that the Lord won't give me any challenges or trials that I can't handle. I will continue to look to him for guidance in my life and I will find my new purpose. For now, I think that I am going to head out into this beautiful spring morning and stop to smell the roses. It is kind of wonderful that the world is just starting to wake up after a long winters nap at the same time that I am staring to wake up as well.

Pakin' Up Is Hard To Do

2010-03-05T05:08:00.003-07:00

I want to thank everyone for all of their kind words and support. I was beyond touched with all of your comments. I haven't had a chance to individually thank everyone, but I did want to at least thank everyone here.

I have been spending my days this week packing up all of my possessions and preparing to move. I will be staying with my in-laws until I can find a place of my own. This is a really scary time for me because I am having to let go of a lot, including control of what happens next. I know that I have mentioned our tough financial situation before...well, now with my hubby gone I have no choice but to file BK. I tried everything I could to figure out another option because I feel like I am taking a cop-out. My future is completely unknown. My biggest fears are loosing my wedding ring and loosing my camera in the BK process. Those two items are my life lines.

On the spiritual side I am finding that I have grown so much closer to the Lord through this. I constantly have a prayer in my heart and even though he called my husband home earlier than I could have ever imagined, he has been blessing my life and taking care of me ever since. He has never left me alone, and for that I am truly grateful.

The Fork in My Road

2010-02-28T06:07:00.005-07:00

There is no possible way for me to express what is going through my mind and my heart right now. This past week has been an extremely hard one full of heart ache, tears, and memories.

Early Tuesday morning (one week prior to our 8th anniversary) I lost the love of my life. He developed a large blood clot that became trapped in his lung and his heart was not able to keep up long enough for the E.R. doctors to do anything about it. I feel like I lost a piece of my soul that day. We had grown so close in the 8 years that we were given together. It almost felt like every breath we took was synchronized. We were perfect for each other. He made up for all of my weaknesses with his strengths. I love him more than I can express. I used to hold up a single finger and tell him that I loved him that much because that was the only way I could touch the universe; he would reply by holding up five fingers and telling me that he loved me five times more than that.

I think that during the past 8 years we began to loose site of the importance of our temple marriage. We knew that we had done the right thing and that we would be blessed because of it, but I don't think we really fully recognised what those blessings were. Today I am so grateful that we took that step and were sealed together for eternity in the temple. That knowledge is one of the major factors that is getting me through this.

Yesterday, as I stood next to him in preparation for the closing of the casket I made a promise to him. I told him that I will do everything in my power to live the rest of my life in a way that will leave no question as to whether I will be worthy to stand by his side when the time comes for us to be together again. I told him that I will make sure that the things we took for granted and the things we didn't do that we should have while we were together, will never be taken for granted again as long I live.

I plan on continuing this blog, but it will obviously be taking on a new direction. Gone are the days were infertility rules my every waking thought. There will be no more infertility treatments and no more plans of adoption. Instead there will just be the struggles, challenges, and achievements of a 29 year old widow.

Photo Therapy

2010-02-03T19:41:00.006-07:00

I have been moving in and out of a kind of fog for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel that everything will work out for the best and that we are still headed in the right direction, then I suddenly plummet into the darkness with thoughts of us falling farther behind and the thought that if we wait it will be too late. The thoughts tend to consume me at times.

I then read Christine's latest post. She mentioned using photography as a form of therapy. I have always loved photography...the photo's on my blog are all mine. I have never thought of channeling my thoughts and emotions through it though. I decided to take her up on it and try it out. Here is the result of my day of "photo therapy."

Letting Go and Moving On

2010-01-25T07:46:00.006-07:00

I have been working on this post for over a week...it is a hard one. Mostly because I am conflicted. I feel at peace but at the same time I also feel a bitter sting.

I finally spoke with my hubby about being on different pages. He said that he didn't think we really were on different pages; rather I just wasn't listening to him when he did talk. So, I listened to him. I found that we are in fact on different pages, but that it is mostly my fault because I wasn't listening to him. I was moving forward with decisions regarding our lives and our family when he wasn't ready. I had (have) a timeline that I was (am) obsessed over and I let that take control.

During our conversation, I found out that he isn't (we aren't) ready to have children right now. We were ready 8 years ago but when it didn't happen we made some decisions that placed us in a position where having children right now would be extremely impractical. When he really made me look at our situation, I knew that he was right. We really do need to focus on some other areas of our lives before we can go back to trying for children. We have decided that right now we need to focus our attention on improving our health and our financial situation.

So, for the time being we are no longer trying to have or adopt children. This isn't to say that we aren't going to try again down the road. I know that there are children out there for us. I don't know when or how they will come into our family but I do know that they are out there...somewhere.

Different Pages

2010-01-18T07:43:00.002-07:00

There have often been times during my marriage (8 years on March 1st) where I have realized that my husband and I have been on different pages. Sometimes I need to slow down and let him catch up, and other times I need to speed up to catch him. We have never been more than a couple of pages away from each other though; getting back on the same page didn't take too much effort.

For the past couple of weeks though, I have been having a very difficult time finding him in our book. I have tried talking to him and I get silence. I push harder and I get the classic "I just don't know" or the even more classic "I need to think about it." I've been getting the feeling that I am the only one actually trying to work on finding a way out of our financial situation and that I am the only one actually thinking about how we are going to start our family and when.

This morning on our way to work (we are currently carpooling) I tried again. This morning I found out that we aren't just pages away from each other, we are chapters away from each other. I am beginning to wonder if we are even in the same book anymore. Either way, whether it is chapters or books, I have apparently sped past him and I am way ahead. I think he may have even started reading backwards, which could explain how we ended up so far apart.

He seems to think that everything is just going to miraculously fix itself and work out. I honestly think he is just waiting for a rich person to leave their child on our door step with the deed to a mansion and a couple of million dollars in the baby's bassinet with a note asking us to be good parents. It's nice to dream but we need to face reality. We got ourselves into this mess and we are the ones that are going to have to get ourselves out. We can just sit on our butts waiting for someone else to come dig us out.

What frustrates me most is that he seems to think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting another 5 or 10 years before we even consider trying to help ourselves if the miracle hasn't happened yet. I have been waiting almost 8 years for the miracle and I know that it isn't coming. I can't wait another 5 or 10 years; I need to take action now or I know that I am never going to be a mother. Only, I can't do it by myself and at this point, I don't know if my husband and I are ever going to be on the same page again. Maybe it is time that I just let go of my dreams...

Foot in Mouth

2010-01-15T20:23:00.002-07:00

Have you ever said something that you look back on and totally regret? I am normally someone who thinks everything through before I speak and this is usually sufficient in keeping me out of trouble. But, every once in a while, this thinking everything through tends to get me into major trouble. I say major trouble for two reasons. The first is that I tend to over think things, especially when a situation is highly emotional. Second because I always end up doing it in writing. When a flub is made verbally you can immediately apologize and rectify the mishap, but when it is in writing there is no going back.

My latest foot in mouth episode came while I was trying to help a friend feel better. I kept running her situation through my mind and I felt so bad. I felt helpless but I wanted to give her some sort of comfort. I ended up sending a message to her. While I wrote it, I could only think of trying to lend her a bit of my faith and hope. After I hit the send button I realized a big mistake....the story itself I used probably did the exact opposite of what I had wanted it to. It was too late; I had already hit send. We both would have been better off if I had just kept my mouth shut and just prayed for her.

I don't know if she reads my blog anymore or if she has burned me off of her list, but just in case I will say now that I am more sorry for what I said that you will ever know. I only wanted to try and make you feel better but I realize that my message probably made it so much worse especially considering the situation. It would seem that even someone who has suffered the brunt of many unthoughtful comments can be the unthoughtful person who makes those comments. I hope I am never that unthoughtful person again.

Blessings

2010-01-03T16:27:00.002-07:00

On Christmas Day I decided to go through our budget and see what we would need to payoff if I were to stay home and raise a family. On Christmas Day I found out that we have managed to get ourselves into so much debt that we will be well beyond our child raising years by the time we can pay off those debts and save enough for an adoption. On Christmas Day my heart broke.

I spent the next week working through the emotions involved with realizing my dreams of having children are never going to happen. I went through the whole grieving process. I was angry with myself for letting this happen. I cried for each of the children I will never have. In the end, I felt at peace. I found peace in the knowledge that the Lord never gives us challenges that we are incapable of handling. If giving up my children is a sacrifice that I am being asked to make, then I will do it with my head held high and with a prayer of gratitude in my heart for all of the blessings that I have been given and will continue to receive.

On New Years Eve I received a text message stating that my newest nephew was born. I was surprised that I didn't feel any pangs of regret; I just kind of felt indifferent actually. We went to the hospital that night to see him. In the past I have always sat in the background until the baby is place in my arms by someone in the family who wants a picture of the little one with their aunt. Once the baby was in my arms I would do everything I could to avoid looking down into those little eyes. This time I walked into the hospital room and went straight to the baby. I wasn't going to let this get to me anymore.

When it came my turn to hold him I readily opened my arms and looked down into his precious little face. In that moment it would seem that he spoke to me. He reminded me of a promise that I was given many years ago in a blessing.

I remembered that I was promised children and so was my husband. We were both promised this long before we even met. I also know that the Lord never backs down on a promise. The promise he gave us was not given unconditionally, and neither my husband or I have managed to fulfill our ends of the deal. But, it isn't too late for us to rectify our errors and if we do I know that we will received our promised gift. I don't know how and I don't know when; but I do know that it will happen.

A New Year...A New Me

2009-12-31T22:36:00.002-07:00

Every year it seems that I make resolutions along with everyone else that involve loosing weight or getting out of debt, or having children by the end of the year, etc. etc. etc. This year I decided to look deep down inside and come up with a resolution that actually means something. I want to achieve something that matters eternally...something that I can take with me after I am done here on earth.

Once I started looking inside myself, I was shocked at what I found. I found that I have absolutely no self respect, no self worth, and no self confidence. To be honest, I don't know if I have ever had any of these things; if I have I surely don't remember when it was. I realized that I can't expect anyone else to respect, love, or find me of worth if I don't have these feelings for myself. So, it turns out that my resolution for 2010 will be the hardest challenge (or mountain) that I have ever attempted.

In order to climb this extremely large mountain, I have broken up my life into 6 pieces: Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, Work, School, and Home. Each month I will set a goal that involves each of these aspects of my life; all with the specific purpose of helping me develop love, respect, and confidence in myself. There will be no goals of weight loss this year; no goals of sizes reduced. If there is one thing that I have learned in my life so far, it is that tomorrow really never does come. I can't keep telling myself that I will love myself once I have lost weight, or once I have succeeded in becoming a mother. I need to embrace today, and make the most of it.

So, here are my goals for January...

Physical: I will take my prescribed medications every day. It is time that I start taking my health seriously and make living a priority.

Emotional: I will make one decision each day that is based on my own needs or wants rather than always putting my desires on the back burner. My opinions are valid and if I truly respect myself, I will acknowledge my opinions instead of always squashing them.

Spiritual: I will attend all of my church meetings during the month of January. If I am out of town, I will find a church in that area and attend. I can't expect my spirit to be fed if I am not taking it to the feast.

Work: I will put in a bigger effort to complete all of my tasks each day. I may not like my job all that much but I always feel better about myself when I know that I have put forth my very best effort even if the task is as mundane as filing.

School: I will get all of my assignments done on time and strive to get full credit. Once again, I always feel better when I know that I have done my best work. I also feel that gaining as much knowledge as I can will be a good investment in myself.

Home: I will get the kitchen completely clean and keep it that way by spot cleaning each day. I can be a good housekeeper and I am fully capable of taking care of my home. I just need to prove it to myself instead of telling myself that it is impossible.

Changing Dreams

2009-12-20T19:55:00.003-07:00

When I was in high school, teachers regularly asked where we wanted to be in five or ten years. When asked, I would get an image of a husband and two or three children. I would then imagine adopting one or two more children to round off my family.

This image has been one that I have played in my mind time and time again over the years. When I was getting married I discussed this with my husband to be and I was excited to hear that he had wanted to adopt as well. We decided that we would work toward this ideal of having a couple first and then adopting.

As the years have past and those two children haven't entered our lives, we have spoken on and off about moving forward with our adoption plans. I feel like it is something that we should do but I have been hesitating and I didn't quite know why.

I have been following Ashley's blog for the past six months or so and it is through her that I realized what my problem was. By entertaining this dream of my perfect family I have come to think of adoption as my ending. I have never thought of it as a last means option. But, thinking of it as an ending has resulted in the same thing. When I think of adopting, deep down I am telling myself that I will never be able to carry a child and I'm not quite ready to give that up yet.

Ashley adopted a beautiful little girl a couple of years ago and now she is pregnant. She didn't give up; she just did what she felt was right to do for her family. Reading her blog has helped me begin to rework my thinking. I am beginning to realize that there is a plan for me and my family. I may not get my family in the same way that I have always dreamed about, but I do know that I will get my family as long as I follow the promptings of the spirit and do what I am told. Adoption can play a major part in my life and it doesn't have to be my ending.

Thank you Ashley for sharing your story.

We are All Mothers

2009-12-10T19:42:00.004-07:00

Surprisingly enough, that last post really helped me get a grip. The act of writing everything down solidified everything. It made it more real which helped me accept it and move on. Before that it was just a bunch of emotions running through my head making me feel like I was going crazy.

With that all out of my system, I want to dedicate my next few entries to some people who have really helped me a lot over the past year. We all have our own reasons for putting our blogs out here for everyone to see, but I don't think any of us truly understand the impact that our words can have on the people who read them. There have been many times where I have logged on, feeling so alone, and have found comfort from others who are traveling the same roads as I.

There once was a time when the phrase "we are all mothers" brought me a significant amount of pain. It was a phrase that was said to me a few different times. Each time, it was said in a manor that was meant to bring me comfort but it failed greatly. I was being told that I had been given the opportunity to mother my nieces and nephews and the children of others. The phrase stung because as much as I love my nieces and nephews it just isn't the same thing as having a child of my own.

Through the large heart of a faithful woman (Who's blog happens to be titled "We Are All Mothers") this phrase has started to bring me comfort. Ever since I found her blog Christine's words have brought me a wealth of knowledge and comfort. In some ways you could say that she has become a "mother figure" for me. Through her words she has lifted me up multiple times without even knowing it.

Now, I know that having an opportunity to "mother" me isn't quite what she is looking for in her life. But, the knowledge I have gained from her has made me realize that I can't take for granted those opportunities I have been given to mother the children of others.

The phrase "we are all mothers" still doesn't ease the pain of not having a child of my own; but it stands for something now. It brings to light the other blessings and responsibilities I have been given.

Thank you Christine.

Stress and Fear

2009-12-07T23:08:00.002-07:00

My hubby lost his job six months ago. There have been a couple of contracts he has gotten but nothing solid. He currently has two contracted jobs that he is doing right now. One is only giving him about 5 to 10 hours a week and the other one ends in a couple of weeks. The unemployment is gone. When this contract ends, I don't know what we are going to do. We aren't making ends meet as it is.

We can't afford the condo anymore; the payments are too high. I want to put it on the market. I know that it can take up to a year or more in order to get it to sell but at least I would feel like we were doing something. The hubby doesn't want to sell it; he says that it doesn't feel right. We also have some damage in one of the bathrooms that needs to be repaired before we could sell, and we don't have the money to fix that either. My home no longer brings me comfort and peace when I walk in the door; it just reminds me of all the things that aren't right in my life right now.

Going along with the financial situation, we have had to borrow some money from my in-laws to help pay the bills. This in and of itself causes more problems than good for all the obvious reasons. I hated the idea before we borrowed and I still hate the idea. To make matters worse, I just found out that they borrowed the money against their house in order to lend it to us. I want to throw up just thinking about it. I can't stand the fact that I am living on borrowed money from someone that didn't have the money to give it in the first place. It makes me feel dirty.

At work, there used to be two of us doing the same job. It was nice because when one of us started to get too busy the other would step in and help out. The other girl had a baby a few months ago and they gave her the option of working part time when she came back from maternity leave. I don't begrudge her the opportunity that she has to stay home with her baby. But, the increase it has placed on my workload is getting harder and harder for me to handle. She doesn't see it either. She comes in and acts like it isn't a big deal. In addition, she has picked up the attitude that she is the only one who works. She acts like all I do is sit around while she slaves away. I used to love my job...I don't anymore.

I mentioned in my last post that my hubby was diagnosed with diabetes and that he has a diabetic ulcer on the bottom of his foot. I am the sole person responsible for changing the bandages twice a day and making sure that it remains clean and continues to heal. As of right now, it is doing great. But, I can't help but worry about what happens if I do something wrong. If it stops healing or gets infected again then it is my fault. It is my responsibility.

My house work has gotten completely out of control. My hubby has always helped me out a ton. He took care of the dishes and helped out with the clutter control. He used to do laundry for me when I needed him to and he was the one that cooked dinner almost every night. With his foot issue, he has been put out of commission. He isn't allowed to put weight on his foot which means everything that he used to help me with is now back on my shoulders. The dishes are stacking up and the laundry is severely behind. Something smells in the kitchen. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to take care of everything...yet it is my responsibility.

I am also trying to finally finish up my degree. I was supposed to graduate in May with my Bachelors degree. I was able to take a class off because of my hubby's illness but I had to go back tonight. If I didn't go back then I would have to pay back my student loans for the semester because I wouldn't have had enough completed credit hours to qualify for the loan. All my break succeeded in doing was bumping me from a spring graduation to a fall one. At this rate I don't know if I am going to make it graduation. I can't concentrate on my classes with everything else going on.

Then there is the whole IF thing. This stress has been a constant companion for years. I know that I should be grateful to not have a child while I am going through all of this other stuff; but I can't seem to find it in my heart to be grateful. I have wanted a child to hold in my arms for so long that my arms ache with the emptiness. No matter how hard I try to remain positive, I can't help the tears from falling sometimes. I can't make the pain go away.

With everything that I am trying to deal with all at the same time, I find myself more and more tired every day. I could probably sleep for 24 hours straight and still wake up exhausted. More and more often I find myself staring at a blank wall because my brain just can't handle anything else. I have thought about going to the doctor and seeing if there is something that they can give me just to help me cope while all of this stuff sorts itself out. I know that it will all sort out and that everything will be okay...but trying to get there is the hard part. Sometimes I think that if I just had a little bit of help I can make it. This is where my greatest fear of all comes in to play though. We looked into adoption a while back and one of the questions that keeps floating before my eyes is "do you have any history of mental illness?" I am petrified that if I can't cope with all of this stress on my own, that they will deam me as mentally ill, and that I will loose all chance of ever being able to adopt. If I can't adopt, then I will probably never be a mother. And if I can't ever be a mother.........I just can't take that chance....I can't seal my fate like that.

More Mountains

2009-11-29T21:18:00.002-07:00

I had just come to terms with the mountains in my life. I had just started to enjoy the climb and the view when I was given another mountain.

On Halloween we went to my in-laws house so that we could see all of the nieces and nephews in their costumes. A few hours before "Witching hour" my hubby was sitting in a recliner and we noticed a very large blister on his foot. Closer inspection found that it was extremely hot, red, and their were dark streaks radiating out of it and up toward his ankle. We took him to urgent care where he was diagnosed with both diabetes and a diabetic ulcer which was extremely infected. He was immediately sent to the hospital where he spent the next two nights.

At the hospital they opened up the blister and cleaned out as much of the infection as they were able. They were also able to get his blood sugars down into a high-normal area. I sighed a breath of relief when I got to take him home. Little did I know that the true climb had just begun. Our days are now filled with doctors appointments, bandage changes, blood tests, and small meals every two to three hours. This is all between working full time and trying to juggle my classes at the University. Even then, the time that I spend at work or in class is spent wondering if everything is okay at home. Did I leave the house clean enough for him to get around? Will he be able to get his own lunch? He isn't allowed to put much weight on his foot because it slows the healing process. We are 4 weeks in and the doctor has said that it will probably be another 6 weeks before his foot is mostly done healing.

President Monson said that we shouldn't focus on what is missing from our lives; we should focus on what we do have. This has been difficult but with much effort I am coming to terms with this new challenge in our lives. I am truly grateful that I still have my husband with me and that the situation didn't get worse than it did. He could have lost his foot, or worse, his life. I am trying my best to focus on this time that we have been given together. This time where we can grow closer together and strengthen our marriage. We may have been given many mountains to climb, but we have also been given many blessings.

My Mountain

2009-10-25T18:49:00.005-06:00

I have been blessed with a mountain to climb. Most people wouldn't see a mountain that must be climbed as a blessing but I do. After being lost in a fog for so long, it is the most wonderful feeling to finally know where you are supposed to be going.

I love hiking even though it isn't something that I do very often. The reason why I love to hike is because it is the best way that I have found to connect with my Heavenly Father and everything that he has created on this earth.

It is for this reason that I look toward this new mountain in my life as a blessing. Through this climb I will be given the opportunity to witness many of the blessings that I have been given and may not know about quite yet. I will be given the opportunity to build new relationships, grow closer to my husband, and explore newly found talents. But most of all, I will be given the opportunity to increase my faith in the Lord.

My task in climbing this mountain is to prepare myself for motherhood and adoption. I have finally been able to answer the question of "Why." Why must I work so hard to obtain something that so many see and take for granted? The answer to this question is that this is one of my trials. Every person's trials are different. We don't choose our trials but we do choose how we handle them. I am choosing to place my feet on the path at the bottom of the hill and start the climb.

New Beginnings

2009-10-13T06:41:00.002-06:00

You know...it is kind of weird when everything starts to fall into place after a long period of experiencing the unknown.

This Sunday past they changed the boundaries for our church. The group of condos that I live in have been taken out of one ward and put in another one. I see this as my chance at a new beginning. I am looking forward to Sunday for the first time in a very long time. I think that part of it is that I will now be in the same ward as a woman that I had the chance of working with a few years ago. When I knew her, she had just adopted a little girl because she was unable to have children. She understands what it is like. For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel alone anymore. There will be someone there who fully understands.

As for the newly found direction in my life, I am beginning to realize how difficult the journey ahead of me is going to be. What at first looked like a mild path winding down one hill, across a small valley, and up the other side is not quite so mild. I am beginning to realize that parts of this path are extremely steep and I won't be able to traverse them on my own. Other parts are lined with poison ivy and I am going to have to be extremely careful and stay directly in the center of the path as I go through. Then there are the parts that are lined with rose bushes and I see that there is no way that I am going to get through without some scrapes and scratches. Even with all of these obstacles in my way, I am still looking forward to this journey.

A Moment of Clarity

2009-10-07T07:27:00.002-06:00

Have you ever found yourself walking through a densely foggy morning? You never really know what is ahead of you and sometimes you question whether you are even headed in the right direction. As the sun begins to rise, your field of vision begins to open up but you still feel closed in and lost. Then suddenly like a veil being lifted the fog disappears and you experience that moment of clarity. That first moment when you realize exactly where you are and exactly where you are going. Everything seems new and alive and you can't help but smile.

I just experienced my moment of clarity this morning. For the past few months or even years I have been walking in a fog. I didn't understand why I was facing the challenges that I am and I didn't have a clue where my life was taking me or where I should be going. I felt lost and alone even when I was in a crowded room. I had moments when it seemed that I could see things on the edges of my vision but they were still cloudy and I couldn't see how they fit into my life. I tried to grasp onto them and to find comfort from them but they would slowly fade back into the fog...lost.

Today, my life has opened up before me and I can see where I am going. I can see what I need to do and where I need to go. I have a reason for waking up each morning, getting dressed, and going to work. The valley before me is green with beautiful wild flowers all kissed with the morning dew. The answers haven't all been revealed; I still don't know what is on the other side of my green valley. But, I can see the path that winds its way down the hill and across to the other side.

I feel at peace.

More about the Diet

2009-09-17T19:13:00.003-06:00

I didn't get my weekly weight in posted this past Saturday but it was 281.8.

I knew that I wasn't going to be loosing that week so I wasn't overly disappointed. I had too much on my plate last week to start my new diet so I started it this week. I am finding that it is a bit more difficult than I had thought it was going to be; but to be honest I was kind of expecting that too. I have done fairly well this week but I have slipped up a couple of times. Oddly enough though, I don't feel bad about those slip ups like I normally would. I just keep picking myself back up and trying again and that is truly a great feeling. I just pray that I can keep it up.

As for the diet itself I will give you a very brief overview. There are three basic rules that I have to follow:
1 - Every time I sit down to eat I have to eat at least on serving of protein
2 - I limit my carbs to no more than 2 serving per meal
3 - For each serving of carbs I eat, I have to eat a serving of protein
There is a bit more to it that this, but this is the basic idea.

I guess we will see how well I am doing on Saturday morning.

Is that a glimmer of TRUE hope?

2009-09-05T09:35:00.003-06:00

Today's Weigh In: 282

I haven't ever lost my motivation for loosing weight; I just didn't know how to do it. There have been diets in the past that I have tried and I have lost weight on them but I had to stick to them religiously. The problem is that I couldn't keep them up. I would stick to them for a couple of weeks and then I would fall of the wagon. I thought that this was a problem with me and that my motivation and willpower just weren't strong enough, but I have recently found some information on another blog that pointed me in a direction that I have extremely high hopes for.

When I was diagnosed with PCOS my doctor said "loose weight and it will get better." My fertility specialist gave me a list of 5 diets to try and then said if they didn't work we could look at weight loss surgery. I tried the diets and failed and them. I don't want to do weight loss surgery, nor can I afford it so I have still been plugging along on my own. My primary care physician diagnosed me with Insulin Resistance and Metabolic Syndrome a few years ago. She put me on Actos and said "loose weight and it will get better." She gave me no guidance what so ever in regards as to how to loose the weight. It seems like all of my doctors agree that it is a problem with me and my willpower. They don't think I am trying hard enough. Heck, I didn't think I was trying hard enough.

The information that I got from this blog has led me to believe that maybe the problem isn't just me after all. Maybe there is more to it than that. I looked into the diet she mentioned her doctor gave her and I found a much more detailed version of it in a book called "The Insulin-Resistance Diet" by Cheryle R Heart, MD and Mary Kay Grossman, RD. This book actually explains why my brain may have been calling off those previous diets with cravings so intense that I felt I had not choice but to indulge. What I love the most about this diet is that (at least on paper) it looks really easy to follow and it doesn't seem like it is going to really feel like I am on a diet at all.

I'll keep you posted as to how it goes. With any luck this new way of eating will finally help me loose this weight. I have been overweight my entire life. I've never been able to go shopping a the mall for clothes. I have never been able to walk into any store I wanted and try on what ever I thought was cute. I have never been able to let myself think that I may be able to have a child someday...I may say it, but I never let myself actually believe it. You have no idea how great it feels to finally have some hope. I just pray that this works.

Starting Over.....Again

2009-07-07T21:22:00.003-06:00

And it wasn't even Thanksgiving! I gained 5 pounds this last weekend. I am right back to where I was when I posted my "fat pics." I was doing so well there for a few days.

So, I'm starting over once again. At least it isn't taking me as long to pick myself back up between trys as it used to. I used to take a few months off after falling of the wagon. This time, it only lasted a few days and now I am trying again.

I don't need chocolate...I need a baby....I don't need chocolate...I need a baby...I don't need chocolate...

The Defective Daughter-in-Law

2009-06-21T20:44:00.003-06:00

Father's Day isn't usually quite as bad as Mother's Day for me, but it is still hard. I just feel like I am letting my husband down. I can't help him conceive a child and that breaks my heart. Father's Day just reminds me of what I can't give him. I almost made it through this Father's Day unscathed...almost.

We spent Father's Day with my hubby's mom and dad. Part of the family came over for dinner and the rest came over for desert. After the presents had been opened and everyone was just sitting around, the conversation turned to baby names. My SIL is pregnant and everyone is excited, including me. I was perfectly content with the conversation...no problems at all, until someone mentioned the name Sarah. Everyone knows that my hubby and I have have always said that we were going to name our first girl Sarah (we claimed this name even before we were married), and so as a courtesy to us no one has taken that name. My SIL said that she really liked the name for a girl, but she knew that the name was "reserved." Then it happened. My MIL turned to my hubby and said "You had better get working on it or else you are going to loose your opportunity on the name"...or something to that effect...all I remember is that with those words my world came crashing down around me. I stood up and got out of there as fast as I could before they could see the tears spilling down my cheeks.

She made it sound like we haven't even been trying; like it is our choice that we haven't had children yet. It probably wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't know that she knows perfectly well what we are going through. It made me feel like she sees me as a failure to the family. All of the other women, including both of my BIL's exes, have produced children. Everyone has been able to pass on the family genes accept for my hubby...and it is all my fault.

I know that she doesn't really feel this way; at least I don't think she does. I also know that it wasn't her intention to crush me like that, especially in front of the entire family. But that doesn't make the pain go away.

My New Theme Song

2009-06-18T19:57:00.003-06:00

Everytime that I hear this song I am reminded of everything that I still have in front of me. I reminds me that I just need to keep climbing.

**Sorry, I can't get the music video to embed. Here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmUGwK_43Tk**

I cut my hair...

2009-06-17T13:20:00.002-06:00

A couple of years ago I had my hair cut to just above my shoulders. When I did this, I made a commitment to myself that I was not going to cut it again until I was pregnant. I told myself that as soon as I hit 200 pounds, I would make an appointment with my RE and we would start treatments again.

I have fought with these goals for the entire 2 years and I am no closer to getting there than I was then. I know that I posted my "fat pics" a couple of weeks ago and said that I was ready to try again...that lasted a whole 2 days before I fell off the wagon and have yet to get back up. It isn't that I don't have the motivation; I have plenty. I want to loose the weight and I want to have a baby more than anything else, so why is this so hard?

I think I have finally found that answer. I am scared. I have been over weight my entire life. I don't know any other way of living. After seven years of marriage with it being just the two of us, what is it going to be like having a child to care for? In some ways, I have just become so comfortable with my life being this way that the idea of it changing scares me. I know that my life can be so much better and that I will find much more fulfilment if I move forward but there is still that fear in the back of my mind that is holding me back.

I was looking in the mirror and I saw my hair as a symbol of that fear. It reminded me of how long I have been letting fear rule my life. I have been letting fear rule my life much longer than those 2 years but this was still just a physical measure of my failure to take control of my life. So...I cut it off. My hair once again falls to just above my shoulders. It is about time that I start writing my own story. And write it I will...one page at a time.

Please don't take your children for granted

2009-06-03T20:05:00.002-06:00

I am not a bitter IFer. I may get a tad sad when I hear yet another pregnancy announcement. I may throw myself pity parties on occasion. But I never hold a grudge against people who are able to conceive. In fact, I am genuinely happy for people who don't have to go through what I am going through in order to have children. However, I do hold a grudge against people who take these tiny miracles for granted.

I went to lunch by myself today. When I walked in I noticed a table of about 6 women who looked like they were probably old school friends or something. The majority of their plates were all empty and they were just talking. At the end of the table was a little 3 year old girl. She was sitting there quietly playing with some left over food. I ordered my food and then sat down at the table next to them. A few minutes after I sat down the little girl tried to get her mothers attention. She said "mommy" at least 5 times and her mother didn't even acknowledge that the girl had spoken. Rose (I've changed her name) proceeded to stand up on her chair, jump up and down, yelling "Mommy" at the top of her lungs. Her mother continued to ignore her. There wasn't a "shh, mommy is talking" or anything. Rose then proceeded to climb down from her seat and start walking around the restaurant. She came over to my table and said "hi" to me. She then walked around to every other table and proceeded to tell everyone her name and how old she was. She played with things on the other tables and even ate some food off of a plate that had been left by another customer.

It was a good 10 minutes before her mother even noticed that Rose wasn't at the table. Instead of getting up and trying to find her, the mother just yelled across the room and then went back to her conversation. About 3 minutes later the mother finally got up, picked Rose up and took her back to her seat. Rose proceeded trying to get her mothers attention once again by calling her name, and when her mother didn't respond (just like the time before) she got down from the table and started to walk around again. Rose walked across the restaurant, climbed up onto a bench, and cuddled up with a man sitting at the table. She started talking to him and asking him questions. He responded and tried to get the mothers attention at least once or twice. Anyone walking by would have thought that she was his. Her mother once again, hadn't even noticed that Rose had left the table. She finally noticed about another 10 minutes later and went and got Rose. She sat her at the table and said "you need to sit here or I am going to put you in a high chair...I mean it." No sooner had Rose's bottom hit the chair, Rose was up and running across the room again. Would you believe that her mother didn't notice her getting up again!?! Less than two seconds later!!! About 5 minutes later, from clear across the room, I heard Rose yell "Mommy come get me." in her high little giggly voice. No response what so ever from the mother. Then in a quieter voice laced with tears, but one that still carried across the room "Mommy PLEASE come get me." Her mom didn't budge.

At this point, I left with a tear running down my cheek. That poor little girl wanted nothing but a little bit of attention from her mother who obviously felt that her friends were more important than her own daughter.

Don't get me wrong, I know that kids can be a handful at restaurants. I've seen plenty of parents chasing kids over the years. I have seen my share of out of control kids. But seriously! If you are going out with your girl friends and you know that you are probably going to be sitting at the table for an hour plus after the meal is over, use your brain! A three year old isn't going to be able to sit there for that long with out some for of entertainment!

Any parent who actually cared would have at least brought a coloring book and some crayons for the child to play with. Any parent who actually cared would have at least acknowledged her calls by telling her that she was talking but would be happy to listen in a minute. Any parent who actually cared would have at least been paying close enough attention to know when the child left the table. Any parent who actually cared would have at least noticed when her daughter was talking to a stranger with whom she most likely would have left if he had asked her to.

Come on parents! Don't you understand what a blessing you have with your little ones? Can't you see how special they are? If you aren't prepared to give them what they need to grow up, then don't have them! There are too many of us out there who would give our lives to experience the miracle that you have received. Embrace your miracles, don't push them aside like trash.

Can I do it? Yes I can!

2009-05-27T20:39:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about this weight loss thing. It seems like every time that I try to loose weight, I fail miserably. I start out with all the motivation in the world but I can't seem to hold on to it. I am gearing up to try again but I have no idea what is going to happen. I do have some tricks up my sleeve for this round and I am hoping that these will help me stick to it this time.

My first trick is that I am looking at weight loss as my current IF treatment. I may not be doing an IUI or IVF, but I am doing something. My body didn't respond at all to medications when I went to an RE a few years ago. My RE told me that my only chance to get pregnant was to loose weight. I think that I have completely lost touch with this reality. Something inside of me just keeps hoping that even though I have failed at loosing weight, I will still meraculously become pregnant one day. I now know that this just isn't going to happen. It is up to me to make it happen.

My second trick is that I am going to take a page out of the "pregnant lady" book. Have you ever noticed that almost all pregnant people take "belly shots" throughout their pregnancy? They start with that little bump and then grow into big tummies about ready to pop. I know that one of my SILs did this with hers and I think that the other one did to (did you?). Anyway, I am going to do this too, but for weight loss instead. I am going to start with a picture of my big belly and hope that as the weeks go on it will get smaller and smaller. With no further ado...here are my starting pics. (By the way it took some major guts to post these...I get tears in my eyes just looking at them)

Motivation Can Be Found in Some Very Unpleasant Places

2009-05-26T13:13:00.003-06:00

This may sound terrible to some of you...but, on occasion when I am out and I see someone that I think is extremely overweight I compare myself to them by asking the person I am with if I am that big too. I know that I am overweight and that I have a long way to go before I am at a healthy weight, but for some reason, it makes me feel better to hear my hubby or my mom say that I am not "that bad." Well, I guess you could say that turn about is fair play.

The hubby and I were out at a restaurant this weekend. We had finished our meal and were standing up to leave. Our table was pushed up really close to a wall and I couldn't get out the other way because of another table that had people sitting at it. I slid off of my chair and slowly squeezed myself through the gap between the table and the wall. As we were passing the other table that was close to ours the woman leaned over to her husband and said "I'm not really that big am I?"

It didn't know whether I wanted to throw up everything I had just eaten or just sit down in the middle of the floor and start bawling. Fortunately I did neither; but I did come out of the experience with some serious motivation for loosing weight. I hope to never forget that moment there in the restaurant. With that memory and with the knowledge that my weight is preventing me from having children, I am hoping to push myself toward the breaking point where I can finally commit to loosing the weight once and for all.

Standing Still

2009-05-22T19:27:00.003-06:00

I have been married just over seven years. The day I got married I was standing on an island in the middle of a rushing river. I saw my marriage as the boat that would get me off that island and take me to all of the places in my dreams. It would take me through the rapids of motherhood, the tranquil waters of safety and security, and out onto the hidden lake of accomplishment.

We boarded our boat and asked the river to take us toward our dreams. Only the rapids of motherhood quickly began to fog over until they could no longer be seen. Large boulders of debt began to block the way toward the tranquil waters of safety and security until there were too many to navigate around. The hidden lake of accomplishment lies on the other side of the tranquil waters and remains hidden behind ever growing self doubt and fear. As the ability to ever reach any of our dreams seems to grow farther and farther away we look up to find we are still beached on the same island we were on when we boarded our boat.

I have been married just over seven years. I am still sitting in the same place I was the day I got married; on an island in the middle of a rushing river. Waiting. Forever waiting, for my chance to dip my oars into the water and experience the true powers of life.

Our Chicken Doesn't Lay Eggs

2009-05-10T09:14:00.003-06:00

Yesterday we had an early Mother's Day get together with my in laws. Generally my hubby's family is pretty content with just us being there and they don't bring up the fact that we don't have kids. My BIL was joking around and mentioned that we needed to adopt a little girl (long story as to how it came up; no need to go over it here).

Later, during dinner, the subject surfaced again. My SILs husband kind of looked at us with that question in his eyes. I basically just came out and said "it is most likely that we are going to have to adopt if we are going to have children." He replied that he thought we were going to use a surrogate. (We have had three women offer to be a surrogate for us, including his wife, and I think that is where this idea came from.) I sat there for a minute and then leaned over to my hubby and asked him how I should explain the situation without his mother getting offended by the "table conversation" and also to prevent an awkward moment due to the children that were within ear shot. I ended up going with this: "It isn't the oven that is broken. We just don't have all the ingredients to bake a cake."

I thought that this was very creative if I do say so myself...but apparently my hubby felt that I had left something out so he added "Our chicken doesn't lay eggs."

Baby Dreams

2009-05-06T19:26:00.003-06:00

Lately I have been plagued by baby dreams almost every night. They are extremely vivid, causing my arms and my heart to ache every time that I wake up. I have had these dreams before but it is usually just for one or two nights and then they are gone for a while. There is one other major difference between my recent dreams and the ones that I have had in the past. In each of these new dreams, the baby is adopted.

In the first one my husband and I had been speaking to a few different birth mothers. Our case worker arranged for us to go and meet one of them in another country. It was just supposed to be a meeting, nothing more. Once we arrived the girl went in to labor and then just handed me the baby and asked me to take it. We didn't have anything for the baby; no clothes, no car seat. I just had this baby handed to me and I had no idea what to do. But at the same time, I was filled with such love and such intense emotions that even my writing about it for this post is causing me to tear up.

There have been a few other variations of the "baby dream" but this first one was the most powerful and has stuck with me the longest. What I don't understand is why the switch to adoption? The hubby and I haven't talked about adoption for quite a while. I don't know anyone who is in the process or even talking about adoption. There are plenty of people who are pregnant...shouldn't I be dreaming about that?

So much to tell...and yet so little time

2009-05-04T21:02:00.003-06:00

There has been a ton of stuff going on in my life lately. My life is finally starting to get into a rhythm again...although it is a much different rhythm than it was a month ago. I thought that I would take a minute to give you a quick glimpse of the highlights.

My hubby has joined the ranks of the unemployed...not by choice. This is the fourth time in the seven years that we have been married. Apparently his line of work is very closely tied to the economy. He is the first to have a job when it starts to go well and the first to loose his job when things go bad. He has been officially unemployed now for 3 weeks. There hasn't been a single nibble on his resume. We are currently looking nationwide and have still come up empty handed. By the way...does anyone need a piping designer?

The hubby's B-Day was a couple of weeks ago. I planned a nice long weekend trip to the Denver area to see the Mammoth play their last game of the regular season. The weather was sooooo nice leading up to that trip. We left on a Wednesday afternoon, drove most of the way and then stopped for the night in Ft. Collins, CO. It is a lovely little college town. We didn't get to see too much of it though because it rained all day on Thursday. We stayed with one of the hubby's aunts for the rest of the weekend. We planned on doing some sight seeing...only that rain from Thursday turned into a massive snowstorm on Friday. Events were being canceled and kids were being sent home from school. We braved the storm and rode the train into downtown to the Pepsi center. I figured that we had traveled all the way from Utah to see that game and snow or not, we were going to see a game. We made it back to the house we were staying at safely. The next morning...we were snowed in. We spent all of the day on Saturday inside, watching the snow fall...18 inches of the white stuff. On Sunday morning the sun shown down and melted all that snow away, perfect for our trip home. I don't think that they ever want us to go back to Denver...apparently we are bad luck.

On to the next little tidbit. On the Wednesday before last, I gave birth to a couple of bouncing baby kidney stones (one in each kidney no less) and I did the majority of it without pain medication. I will admit that I had apparently already given birth to the left one prior to the trip to the ER. It was the right one that caused the need for that field trip. The ER doctor looked extremely surprised when he found out that I hadn't had a drop of pain medication during the 4 and a half hours that it took for them to figure out what was wrong with me. Go figure.

I'm terribly sorry if I got any one's hopes up there for a second. There still isn't even a glimmer of baby news in my foreseeable future. But at least I now know that it is entirely possible that I may be one of those women who can handle child birth without pain meds. But then again, now that I have experienced the pain without...I figure, why do it more than once in a life time...next time, I want the drugs!

That about wraps up the highlights from May...next post...Baby Dreams

Loneliness is a very lonely place indeed

2009-03-10T19:50:00.004-06:00

**WARNING** This post is long and there is no humor **WARNING**

When I went in to the 9th grade, I made a new friend. I was hesitant at first because she was far from being popular with any crowd and I was already way too unpopular on my own, but it ended up working out. I will admit that through high school I was far from the perfect friend. We had a ton of fun but I can't honestly say that I never made fun of her when I was with other kids...trying to fit in. She never seemed to mind though. She was always there for me.

After graduation I realized what a true friend I had in her. I regretted the fact that I had taken her friendship for granted. She said that she understood and that everything was fine. But now, I won't say how many years later, I am starting to realize that our friendship was broken at that point.

When she went to college in Idaho and I stayed behind in Utah she never wrote and rarely called. When she did call, it was generally because she needed a shoulder to cry on. I listened to her talk about the new friends she was making and I tried to be happy for her. I have never been good at making friends so while she was in Idaho living it up, I was here alone. I didn't have anyone else. So, when she called and asked if I could drive up and help her move back home for the summer I dropped everything and went. While she was here we rarely saw each other because we were both working. Then her family moved to Oregon and she went with them.

While she was in Oregon, we exchanged one or two emails over a span of a year or two. She rarely called. I went up to visit her twice. She never once came to see me. She went back to Idaho and she called to cry about boys. She came down a couple of times and stayed with me but it was only because she had a couple of guys that she was dating down here. I was okay with it though. She was here right?

She then got engaged. She called me and was so excited. She started talking to me about planning the wedding and asking for my advise. She made reference to me possibly being in her wedding party. Then the calls stopped until I got one where she said that she was getting married in a week and was scared about the wedding night. She wanted someone who had already gone through it to talk to. A week before the wedding! I hadn't even received an invitation! But, I let her come over and we talked about all of her fears and I gave her the advise she was asking for. I didn't go to the wedding...it stung...but I still pressed on.

Then she got married. Her husband doesn't like my husband and I; he did everything he could to let us know that he didn't want us around. He refused to come over to our house with her. She stopped coming. Then I got the call that they had split and once again she stayed with me for a while. I listed to her cry. I tried to be there for her as best I could. After a week or so she moved in with her sister. She called every time that he did something stupid. I tried calling her a couple of times when we thought my mom had cancer, and when my hubby and I were having a rough patch but she was always too busy to talk.

Then she and her husband got back together. She called to let me know. Hubby and I were still in a pretty rough spot, but she was reorganizing her DVDs and couldn't concentrate on what I was trying to talk about...I didn't really need to talk to her about it anyway. I knew things would work out between hubby and I so it was okay....but the sting made it's presence felt and it never really faded this time.

She called me again once to tell me that her mother had told her that she didn't want to be her mom anymore. She was in hysterics. Come to find out that her mom was having a really rough time. Her dad was sick and he had lost his job. She wasn't worried about what her mom was going through...she was worried about herself and what she was going to do without her mom??? Seriously?!? If I was her mom and she was acting that selfishly I probably would have told her that I didn't want to be her mother anymore too! I basically told her as much but in a much nicer way...you know the friendly way. I smoothed it over and told her that she needed to help her mom through this time. I gave her an idea to send her mom a gift basket. I even offered to make it for her. She said that she would call me the next day so that we could get together and put it together...she never called back.

At this point I realized that I had spent all these years trying to make up for the mistakes I had made in our friendship clear back in high school. I thought that I had done enough repenting. I still wanted to be her friend more than ever, but I told myself that she was going to have to step up to the plate and be there for me if I was going to be there for her.

Since that point in time she did call once for no apparent reason but to ask how I was. I thought that we had reached a turning point. But then months passed by with nothing more than two text messages begging me to come to a Mary Kay party that she was hosting... I never returned them.

With that said and done, I have still held out hope that someday we would be best friends again. That we would find a way to communicate within our schedules and maybe do something together once a month or so. That tiny bit of string that I have been holding onto over all this time was cut last night. I found out from her sister that she is pregnant. She didn't call... didn't send an email...nothing. I guess she has moved on and now it's my turn.

Looking back I know that the only reason why I have held on this long is because I don't have anyone else to turn to. I have my loving hubby who means more than anything else in the world to me...but I don't have a single girl friend. No one to cry with or discuss girly things with. Now that I don't even have that last little string of hope to hold on to....it is a very lonely place to be.

"Mind the Big Rocks!"

2009-03-03T18:57:00.004-07:00

Have you ever seen Robin Hood: Men in Tights? There is a scene toward the beginning when Prince John has his first encounter with Robin Hood. Robin slices through one of the straps on Prince John's saddle and John finds himself still sitting on the saddle but it is now strapped to the horse's stomach. Robin then sends the horse off while calling "Mind the big rocks" and you see the horse ride off over the hill with Prince John's head hitting the ground with each stride.

This is how I rode my horse throughout the month of February. In the past, if I have ever "fallen off the horse" I generally sit there in the dirt for a year or so before finding the motivation to get up and try again. I easily loose sight of my motivation and my goals. This time I didn't loose sight of my goals at all, I just couldn't seem to get upright on my horse and I kept beating my head on the rocks with every step forward. Now that I have finally gotten my horse stopped I have found that all those painful steps forward were actually steps in a great big circle. I haven't really gone anywhere accept for possibly a little bit backward. I have absolutely nothing to show for the pain.

Oddly enough, I believe that it was my youngest niece that helped me regain my footing. Yesterday we were over at her house and she looked at me and said "Aunt Bee Bee, do you have any kids?" Normally this would have broken my heart because I had to tell her no, but it didn't. It just kind of shook me back to reality. I guess you could say that her innocent comment helped me fix my saddle and get back up on my horse. Tomorrow I will once again set off on my journey...and this time I will do my best to "mind the big rocks."

What in the world is happening to me?!?

2009-02-07T23:17:00.004-07:00

A few years ago when my nephew was being potty trained he would yell "what in the world is happening to me?" every time that he had a bowel movement on the potty. We all thought this was hilarious at the time. Once he outgrew this "phase" it was soon forgotten; but it came back to my mind this evening as I was contemplating this last week and I now sympathize with him.

Have you ever been with a group of people and you suddenly realize that you are mirroring another person's body language? You immediately uncross your arms and switch the way that your legs are crossed and secretly hope that no one noticed; only to find yourself mirroring them again minutes later. The mirroring is a subconscious act. Other subconscious acts involve phrases that we use all of the time, the way that we react to certain situations, nervous habits, etc. We generally don't notice that we do these things until someone points them out to us and this is where my nephew's plight comes in.

You have been doing something for years and you don't know how or why you do it; it just happens. Now you are aware of it and every time that you do it something clicks in your brain and you notice how odd or different it is. Sometimes you even catch yourself right before you do it but you can't stop yourself from doing it anyway. Eventually it starts to bug you because you just can't understand it and if you keep going without gaining an understanding you start to get frustrated...eventually you find yourself yelling "What in the world is happening to me?" (picture a little 3 year old who suddenly feels like his insides are comming out...yep he is going to want to know what in the world is happening to him)

I reached this level of frustration with myself this morning. The habit I have been fighting all week is that of eating small but calorie filled snacks throughout the day and not sticking to my diet. Each day I woke up this week and said that I was going to stick to the diet but each day I kept shoveling it in. I tried to fight it. I consciously knew that what I was doing was wrong and I really wanted to stick to the diet but I just couldn't make myself do it. I was so frustrated with myself because I didn't know why I couldn't get my brain to keep my hand from going to my mouth. I have finally figured it out.

It was emotional eating. I have been doing so well over the past month that this came as a really big shock. Heck, I made it all the way through a round of Provera and a full week of AF with very few temptations to break my diet...so what happened last week that put me over the edge? One of my coworkers is pregnant. She just got married 3 or 4 months ago. I didn't think that it was bothering me because I really truly am happy for her. She had some rough times in her past and gave up 2 babies for adoption. I know what it feels like to want a baby of your own that you can keep and I am glad that she will no longer have to face that emptiness in her arms.

But I guess subconsciously it has dredged up those old feelings of "when will it be my turn." I have been really trying to keep a positive attitude lately but I know that realistically the feelings won't just go away. At least now I can acknowledge them once again and work on separating them from my eating habits.

A memorial to January

2009-01-31T08:43:00.005-07:00

January; you brought me many gifts over the past 31 days. You brought me some very exciting hockey games. You brought me a little bit closer to my sister-in-law. You brought me more incite and knowledge. On the other hand you also brought with you a cycle of Provera which made me crabby and emotional. You brought with you the week of torture called AF. And for your final gift to me, you brought me my birthday today. Another birthday that I wish hadn't come just yet. Over all I would say that we had some good times and some bad times. As my gift to you I give you the 6 pounds that I lost during your time with me. May you take them far away so that I never have to see them again. I will always remember you as the month that I finally started to get it together and realize what my life is really about. While we did have our struggles, I will always remember you fondly.

Well it sure isn't fresh!

2009-01-25T10:15:00.005-07:00

The other day my husband and I were discussing my upcoming birthday. I will be turning 28 years old. I was kind of down for a number of reasons. I was still quite emotional from this latest round of Provera. In addition, I tend to look at each birthday as another failed attempt at the life that I have always wanted. I don't have any kids yet and all I seem to have to show for this 28 years of life is a whole lot of debt and a job that I don't like. I looked at my husband and said "look at me...I'm just an old fart." He replied with a very straight face "you are a bunch of stale air from the bum?" Not fully understanding what he had said I repeated back to him "a bunch of stale air?" and he said "well it sure isn't fresh!"

It is moments like these that I know I am truly blessed. No matter what the situation, my husband can always help me find the humor in it.

20 sticks of butter

2009-01-19T10:00:00.002-07:00

I have lost almost 5 pounds so far this month/year. Taking it one week at a time seems to be doing rather well so I will continue doing things that way and hopefully in the end that 5 pounds will begin to multiply. Sometimes thinking that it is only 5 pounds and knowing how much I really need to loose can get me down so I developed this imaging technique. When you buy a box of butter it generally comes in 1 pound boxes split into 4 sticks. So for each pound I loose I am technically loosing 4 sticks of butter right? So by loosing 5 pounds I have in essence lost 20 sticks of butter. I then picture myself with all of those sticks of butter taped to my body in various places. It really helps me realize how much of an accomplishment 5 pound really is. My goal...adding another 10 sticks to that image...one week at a time.

They have pills for that?!?

2009-01-17T09:27:00.003-07:00

I work in a small office with only 3 other employees, two of which are female. One of the girls is a little bit younger than me and the other is about the same age as my mom. When our boss (the only male) is out of the office we tend to banter about anything and everything including those personal female things. Most of the time it is just me and the younger girl that are talking but occasionally the older one will join in.

On Thursday I took my first dose of Provera for this months induced "cleansing" cycle. I don't know about anyone else that has taken Provera but I usually end up having major PMS with it so I have dubbed Provera the "B" pill. When I took this first dose I apologized up front to my two female coworkers and told them to please forgive me if I am extremely moody over the next week. The younger one just kind of laughed at me because she knew what I was talking about from previous conversations, the older one just kind of looked at me with this quizzical look on her face. I went on to explain to the older one that I had to take a cycle of pills that turn me into a real Bi*ch. She became very quiet and after a few seconds of this quiet contemplation asked "They have pills for that?"

A New Year...A New Woman?

2009-01-04T19:42:00.003-07:00

I have done a lot of soul searching and I have formulated one single resolution for this year. It is something very personal and I hold it in my heart like a fragile egg. I fear that if I were to say it out loud to anyone other than my husband, I would be tarnishing it. It is the purist wish I have ever made, and I intend on doing everything that I can to achieve it.

In order to obtain this goal, I am going to use my newly found method of taking one week at a time. I have identified each of the steps that I need to complete and then broken those steps down into manageable pieces that can each be handled in single week increments. This week my goals are as follows:

1. Log everything that I put into my mouth.

2. Exercise for 30 min. at least 3 days this week.

3. Take my medications every day

4. Complete all of my school assignments for this week.

5. Complete 7 pages of the book I am currently working on

6. Create and review our budget for this month.

It may sound weird, but this year has brought something new with it for me. It smells different...sounds different. I feel like 2009 holds something very precious within it's grasp, but I have to be ready and willing to accept what it brings...the good and the bad. I feel myself changing already....who am I going to be when 2009 ends? Only time will tell.

Friends

2008-12-30T21:07:00.003-07:00

I recently stumbled across a very popular networking website. I decided to sign up for fun and see if I could find any of my old friends that I have since lost touch with. I immediately started finding people and requesting that they authorize me as their "friend."As I look at the things that they have written on the site and take a peak at their posted pictures, I have found myself contemplating what makes a true friend.

When I was in high school I had many acquaintances and a few people that I considered to be friends. Then graduation came and went and along with it went many of those that I had counted among my friends. I only ended up keeping in touch with one...and that relationship has grown very distant as time goes on. I eventually came to think that these friends weren't really friends at all, but just more acquaintances that I knew a little bit better than the others.

Today I have decided that I sold them short by listing them among those who were not my closest friends. There is one friend in particular that has accepted my friendship on the above referenced website. While I have yet to actually converse with her, the memories are flooding back. I have always remembered high school as the worst years of my life; but today I am laughing and remembering all of the fun that we used to have. We may have lost touch when we graduated, but now I know that she made my life a bit easier during those rough years in my life...and that is what makes her one of my best friends, and she will remain one of my best friends for the rest of our lives whether we ever speak again or not.

Not a Blue Christmas, but a Very White One

2008-12-26T16:48:00.003-07:00

I made it through Christmas with only one or two pangs of the Blues. For the most part I think that I am doing fairly well. I have gotten a couple of ideas for my New Years Resolutions and if I can stick to them then maybe next Christmas will be brighter.

We have been getting quite a bit of snow lately and it has been so cold that it has been accumulating. Yesterday morning dawned with snow flocked trees and untouched snowy lawns. The perfect setting for sitting by the Christmas tree and opening presents. It was a perfect Christmas day until last night. We were all gathered at my SILs house watching a movie as we digested our dinner, when we started hearing an odd noise. It was rain being pounded against the window. The rain quickly turned to hail and then to snow. We had nearly white out conditions for a couple of hours. We did make it back home but I was sure glad that I wasn't the one driving.

Talk about dreaming of a white Christmas....it turned out to be more of a nightmare. But on the bright side, it sure was pretty again this morning...especially when I got to call in and say that I was snowed in and couldn't get to work. They had to use backhoes to clear the streets out by my house.

One week at a time...

2008-12-16T19:07:00.004-07:00

Of my last two classes, I failed one and I came as close to failing the other as you can without actually doing it. I then took a small break to sort out this mess that I have gotten myself into. I started my latest class last week and instead of starting the class like I usually do by telling myself that I am going to get an A and accept nothing else, I told myself that I am going to take this class one week at a time. I made a goal for myself to get all of my assignments done that week...and I did it! So far I am on track to meeting this weeks goal. All of the stress and anxiety that I have been feeling for the past year regarding school seems to finally be fading into something much more manageable. I think that I may have finally stumbled across my salvation and that maybe I have finally found the key to getting off of this emotional roller coaster that I have been on.

I already know that in order to give myself a chance at conceiving a child, I am first going to have to loose some major weight. I have been looking at the weight issue as the first stepping stone and I have succeeded in nothing. In a similar fashion to how I am now handling school, I am going to break down this stepping stone of mine into much smaller and easier to handle pieces. Instead of looking at loosing 150 pounds, I am going to first try to loose 5 pounds. After I loose that 5 pounds I will set another goal for myself.

This is all trial and error, but I think that I have finally come to terms with that fact that life itself is all trial and error. As we go through life we all make mistakes. We learn from those mistakes and then we make progress. I know that I have many more mistakes ahead of me, but I also know that I will experience many good and wonderful things along the way as well.

Here's to leaving my "down" on my way to an "up"....and let me stay up for a while...

Blue Christmas?

2008-12-07T19:09:00.004-07:00

It may seem like it but I really haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I have had many ups and down over the past month or so. Right now I seem to be in the middle of a down.

My hubby and I are celebrating our 8th Christmas together. While we weren't married for that first Christmas, it still marks another Christmas with the present I want most of all not "under the tree." I fill each Christmas by doing Sub-4-Santa and buying gifts for me nieces and nephews that are way too expensive and over the top....trying to make up for the emptiness that I feel knowing that I may never have my own children to spoil on Christmas morning.

I have been really trying not to do the "poor me" thing, but it becomes harder and harder as each Christmas passes.

The Mother-In-Law

2008-10-05T09:33:00.002-06:00

I happen to love my mother-in-law a ton. I know that most women can't say that, but I really do like her. That's not to say that she doesn't at times get on my nerves or break my heart. I don't think that she does it intentionally by any means, she's pretty much too nice for that. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.

Last night we went out for ice cream. It was my husband and I, my mother and father in law, and my sister in law with her husband and two kids. The two kids wanted to sit at a table with my husband and I and the other adults sat at another table close by. The ice cream came and everything was honky dory until my niece decided that all she wanted to do was play in her ice cream and not eat it. I even asked her if she was going to eat it or just play with it and she told me straight up that all she wanted to do was play with it. So after she had made a fairly significant mess, I started to take it away from her so that we could start cleaning it up. My mother-in-law immediately came over and told me to give it back to my niece because my niece "needed it." After about 5 seconds of having it back my mother-in-law got frustrated with my niece because she was playing with the ice cream and she took it away from her again. HELLO!!! I had just done the same thing! So now all she managed to do is teach my niece that I don't have any authority.

This is just one instance of many. When the kids were babies, if they started to cry and I tried to pick them up she would immediately take them away from me. If one of the kids gets hurt and I go to comfort them, she immediately pulls them away from me. I think that in her sub-conscious, if not in her clear conscious, she thinks that because I haven't given birth to any of my own children that I can't possibly contain an ounce of maternal instinct or know how. Forget the fact that my mom ran a day care center the entire time that I was growing up and I started helping her as soon as I was out of diapers myself. I have been witness to more first roles over, crawls, and steps that I can count. I have kissed a ton "owies" and wiped away more than my fair share of tears. I even used to help some of the older kids with their homework, and taught the younger ones their alphabet and how to read. But, obviously I have no idea how to help out with my nieces and nephews.

So, with that all said and done, I went to bed last night feeling pretty insufficient. I don't think that I will ever be able to take care of her son (my husband) exactly the way that she would prefer and I don't know if I will ever be able to give her a grandchild. Yes, she has plenty of grandchildren from her other kids but that doesn't seem to count. I know that the whole "taking care of her son" part is normal. It is great that she loves him so much that she cares whether I will look at his toes or not when he tells me that they hurt. So, I just have to remind myself that we both love the same man with all of our hearts...I guess that I just wish she would learn to love and accept me as well.